Generally, in our relationships we do the best we can. And yet, especially with our partner, there are moments in which we argue because we think differently or we feel that the other person does not understand us, does not accept us or does not love us as we are.
When this is repeated over and over again over time, we find ourselves repeating the same discussion in different situations, doing and saying the same things over, and over, and over again. This hurts us, makes us feel bad, distances us from the person we love, and we react in the same way to protect ourselves and protest the disconnection.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples We understand that this tendency of action that is repeated in each person in the couple creates a negative cycle in which each one can express themselves from two main positions: avoidance and pursuit.
Dynamics of avoidance and persecution in couple arguments
The repetition of the behaviors that we usually have as a couple, especially in times of crisis, have a reason for being: They are always associated with how we feel and what we think about both our partners and ourselves “I behave like this because it is my way of protecting myself from what I feel.” Our behavior activates a reaction on the part of the other person, who also wants to defend himself.
In this way, these behavior patterns become automatic and They are activated every time a conflict appears Unfortunately, this way of interacting in order to protect ourselves often results in greater disconnection from the other person.
A dysfunctional conflict management dynamic
In the TFE for couples, One of the repetitive negative cycles in a couple is avoid-pursue It occurs when one of the people in the couple wants to talk and reconnect (pursuer) while the other wants to leave and withdraw from the discussion (avoider).
In this article we will focus on the person who pursues, in a second part on the person who avoids, and in the next on the importance of the interaction of both.
Usually, the people who are called pursuers in TFE are individuals who feel alone, sad, hurt They are afraid of being rejected and of not being important to others.
These emotions that you feel inside are activated during the conflict or argument, and that is why they insist, demand, criticize, blame, demand and may seem hostile, because they get angry openly, fight Their partners may describe them as intense, nagging, aggressive, or relentless in their arguments and ways because they seek resources to “fix” the situation.
These actions are usually carried out in order to maintain the interaction because they feel that they can do something to recover and not lose the connection. They need to feel heard and understood by the partner and they need to fight and do something to save the situation (and the relationship); This is why they can be activated when their partner wants to withdraw.
They are often people who fear being abandoned by their partner because they feel unimportant to them According to John Bowlby, this way of behaving is desperate cries for attention, love and care; What they need is to feel important, loved and be a priority for their partner.
How do you intervene in therapy when faced with these problems?
During the TFE therapy process, we always work to decriminalize behaviors when it comes to understand the negative cycle and the position of each person in the couple within it.
The first goal is to help both partners see their behavior and the impact it has on the other person. It is assumed that the actions of each person are activated by the actions of the other, and in both cases they always have a vulnerable underlying emotion.
In this way, the objective with a person in the position of pursuing is that during the process they become aware of their emotions and fears and can share them with their partner in the safe space of the session, in a different, calmer way. , more vulnerable.
We are emotional beings, when we find the person we love and begin a shared life, a dance begins – as Sue Johnson would say – and “this dance, entering and leaving connection, is a normal process and part of all healthy relationships. ”. The TFE accompanies the couple in their dance, to the rhythm of the person they are chasing and also to the rhythm of the person they are avoiding: It is essential to listen to both, so we co-create a safe path back to each other.
