Attachment And Its Influence On Romantic Relationships
It has been proven that the type of attachment that we have developed in childhood with our family or caregivers influences how in adulthood we bond with our partners and the type of relationships we have (healthy, dependent, toxic, etc.) .
The type of relationships we have is not only influenced by the type of attachment, but depending on attachment theory this is an important pillar in how these types of links are established.
If we synthesize the categories proposed by this theory, we can say that there is one type of secure attachment and three types of insecure attachments; Let’s see its characteristics.
1. Secure attachment
People who develop a secure attachment are those who during their childhood have been able to explore the world with the company of their caregiver and have been given that help, care and security when they needed it. In this case, the caregiver feels comfortable with the closeness necessary for the child to develop and the latter generates the necessary learning in his or her head without fear or pain appearing.
In the future, These people will develop healthy relationships where the emotions that he and his partner feel are identified and discussed and where contact with the partner will be sought without fear or anxiety appearing.
2. Anxious attachment
These people developed in their childhood with caregivers who sometimes had the ability to be close, provide the company and security necessary for the child to explore the world and on other occasions were not the support they needed, causing exaggerated behaviors in the child to draw your attention. In adulthood these people will experience insecurities, They will believe that they do not deserve the love they receive and will fear being abandoned and/or rejected For all this, they will end up having relationships where they will generate dependent bonds, feel jealousy and dramas will be generated in seemingly innocuous situations.
In this case, the person in their childhood did not feel their needs for love and security were met, in addition to not receiving enough physical contact or affection. All of this may be the result of the adult not being able to bond in a secure way or because, due to work or family issues, he or she was not present to generate that bond.
In adulthood he will be distrustful, he will flee from the most intimate ties, you will bottle up your own emotions and see that need to bond as a weakness. In these cases, their relationships will be much more superficial and it will be difficult for them to establish the intimacy necessary to resolve the problems and difficulties that may arise in the couple, replacing it with flight and distance.
Sometimes this type of attachment is confused with secure attachment due to the way grief is handled when relationships end, but it must be taken into account that secure attachment is capable of contacting the emotions of grief (sadness, anger, etc.) while people with avoidant attachment suppress them.
4. Disorganized attachment
These children have had caregivers who have exercised some type of negligence, whether it be some type of abandonment, violence or insensitivity towards the minor. In this way, they have not been able to perform their function as support for the child, generating in some cases fear of the caregiver or rejection, and, in turn, the caregiver continued to need them to survive.
In adulthood, these people have the need to bond, but, at the same time, They constantly fear the harm that the person they are connecting with may cause them Therefore, when there is the slightest inconvenience they tend to reject the partner and/or quickly break off the relationship. They have difficulties regulating and identifying their own emotions and/or those of others, as well as their own and other people’s limits.
Concluding…
A curiosity to keep in mind is that we tend to “balance” ourselves by feeling attracted to very opposite attachments such as avoidant and anxious, generating toxic dynamics in relationships. Of course, as mentioned at the beginning of the article, not only the type of attachment I have in a relationship influences, but also fears, beliefs, stories, traumas, etc. that the person has lived.
If you feel like you’re having trouble bonding, or that you’re always repeating the same patterns, I recommend that you seek help from a professional that you identify your type of attachment and the experiences that have generated your pattern of fear and beliefs in order to work with them and generate healthier and more satisfactory bonds and relationships.
