Children Facing Death: How To Help Them Cope With A Loss
It is commonly believed that children do not grieve the death of a loved one in the same way that adults do, because they are not able to openly express their feelings.
Children They face death according to their age and stage of development, but the way in which they manage to deal with this event depends on the support and management by adults. The deaths that can affect a child the most are those of one of her parents, especially her mother.
A child under three years old does not have the cognitive capacity to understand what death is If her mother is absent due to death or illness, she will perceive it as abandonment and will reflect it with insecurity. If her mother dies, the longing for her mother to return will persist for years. At this age they usually show apathy, irritability, passivity, loss of sleep and weight.
From 4 to 6 years
From four to six years old, children’s way of thinking is concrete, so They conceive dead people as asleep and believe that they can “wake up” from death At this age they still cannot understand that there may be something after death, since it is beyond their cognitive capacity. At this age they will likely need constant reminders that the person has died and will not return.
At this age they usually manifest themselves with setbacks such as bedwetting, fear of separation and abandonment, loss of sleep and appetite, guilt and tantrums. Many times their behaviors are focused on being treated like smaller babies.
From 6 to 9 years
From six to nine years They already understand the concept of death , sometimes personify the dead as ghosts or angels, however, they perceive death as something foreign to them. When a child of this age expresses his grief aggressively, we are faced with a defense mechanism to prevent the pain from affecting him more. Other children usually show a lot of curiosity about death as a way of accepting what has happened, they may also begin to show new fears.
From this age onwards, if they are indifferent to the event, it may be because they are ashamed to express their feelings and not precisely because of repression.
From 9 years of age
After 9 years They already manage to understand death as inevitable and irreversible even for themselves However, grieving him is still complicated. They may present anhedonia, guilt, anger, shame, anxiety, mood swings, eating and sleeping disorders.
How to talk to children about death?
When there is a terminal diagnosis of someone close to the child, theor better is to say it openly and start explaining what death is When we anticipate events for children they become less stressful than they would be without anticipation. It is important to tell them the truth with very specific vocabulary, such as “he is going to die”, “he has died” and not say “he has left” because children can interpret that the person has gone to another place and has not said goodbye. them, which could lead to more anger, pain, and anxiety.
When telling him that someone has died, it is important to talk about the natural feelings about this event: “We are sad because he has died and we are going to miss him,” so the child will understand that what he feels is sadness and it is normal that he is feeling it. When breaking the news, it is best for adults not to hide their feelings but also not to show excessive emotions that could scare them.
Religious beliefs and grieving processes in children
At these times, regardless of religious beliefs, the way we talk about God is delicate because it could generate anger towards the “figure” who has decided to take away his mother or father. All the questions that arise from the child must be answered in the most concrete and simple way possible.
Advice: support, closeness and understanding
Children should also participate in the rituals that are carried out to say goodbye to the person who has died, since rituals help us close cycles and taking advantage of that moment of “farewell” can help the child better process their grief. We must not forget that Grief in children can last months or even years, it is necessary to be patient at all times
At these times, seeking support networks with friends and family can also help adults close to the grieving child. Each child is different and will experience their grief in their own way, but regardless of age, it is advisable to seek advice from a thanatologist or a child psychologist to guide both the child and the family for a good resolution.
