Choosing A Partner: 5 Important Aspects To Take Into Account
Why do we fail so much when choosing a partner? Why do we perpetuate relationships that make us unhappy?
There is the possibility of making love a conscious choice, a decision made not only from the emotion and impulsivity resulting from falling in love, but also from rationality and lucidity (all the lucidity that can be had in a brain flooded with oxytocin).
The problem is not that love is predestined to fail: it is not. But knowing how to choose a partner is not always easy.
The problem comes when we rush when choosing a partner, either because we do not want or know how to be alone and we throw ourselves into the arms of the first person who provides us with attention, or because we do not love ourselves, and we need someone else to make up for our lack of self-esteem. with their care and affection, or because we are blinded by certain characteristics of the other that prevent us from seeing the whole of their personality.
Looking for a protective figure
If we relate from lack, it is likely that we (unconsciously) look for a substitute for our father/mother in our partner a nurse, a psychologist or someone who fulfills all of these roles at the same time.
This will quickly cause the relationship to become unbalanced, our demands will grow and our needs will never be satisfied, the other person will become exhausted and the relationship will ultimately lead to unhappiness, hatred or a breakup.
Therefore, the main step that we always tend to forget is learning to be alone with ourselves.
Be complete people, address our shortcomings, establish clear life goals manage our emotions, tolerate frustration and fear of failure, take care of ourselves and love ourselves as the unique and unrepeatable people that we are… all these factors will allow our emotional life to be healthier and more beneficial for everyone.
Mini-guide on choosing a partner
Once we have carried out this task of introspection and personal work, we will be (relatively) prepared to start a loving relationship.
What filters can we use when choosing the person to start a relationship with?
1. Remember our failed relationships
Preventing the “ex” from presenting itself to us in another person’s body is necessary, since we have a tendency to always choose the same type of partners, and therefore to recreate pathological relationship patterns and always end up in conflict for the same reasons.
Identify what went wrong in your previous relationships and what characteristics the new partner (and you) must have so as not to end up just as badly.
2. Find common ground
Observe and identify the other person’s values, beliefs and life expectations and assess whether they objectively match yours.
If, for example, you do not want to have children and you enter into a relationship with a woman who is desiring to be a mother, sooner or later a great conflict will be generated that will either lead to the end of the relationship, or to one of the members renouncing their life plan, which that will generate anger, anger, frustration and dissatisfaction.
One of the most enriching experiences of being in a relationship is opening yourself up to the other person and be able to share emotions, concerns and feelings through words.
When there is no fluid conversation, boredom and dissatisfaction are likely to quickly occur.
4. Pay attention to the sense of humor
Life is too short to decide to spend it with someone who doesn’t make you laugh. It is therefore important that you and your partner share a certain sense of humor and are able to have fun together.
5. Same degree of commitment in the relationship
Whether it is a monogamous or polygamous relationship, The important thing is that both members agree on the degree of exclusivity through which they want to build their relationship.
Even following these guidelines, can the relationship “fail”?
Of course. Above all, we have to free ourselves from the idea of the couple as something eternal, of “forever”, since within the uncertainty that a relationship entails, anything can happen.
It is therefore important to continue building our life beyond our partner, making it an important part of our life, but not a whole, eliminating from our vocabulary phrases like “you are my life”, “I can’t live without you”, “ always yours” more typical of emotional and affective dependence than of love.
