Coaching And Couples: The Focus On Oneself, The Other And The Bond

The couple is a process and, as such, it needs to update its links to adapt to new situations and challenges. If individual processes monopolize each person’s attention, increasingly divergent paths are generated in which the original meaning is lost and the couple dissolves.

In this sense, Coaching is not only effective as an individual process, but also for the couple

Couples coaching: for greater well-being of the relationship

This week Lluis Casado, psychologist coach and professor of the Postgraduate Course in Coaching Psychology at the Mensalus Psychological and Psychiatric Assistance Institute, talks to us about the importance of matching the pace of individual growth with the growth of the couple.

From the vision of couples coaching, what concept do we start from?

Two people establish a relationship when they build a bond (the we) that responds to their current needs. Likewise, people change throughout life as a consequence of reasons specific to the life cycle, whether biological, social, psychological or even accidental. For all these reasons, the original link, if it does not evolve, becomes obsolete.

The couple is a process and, as such, needs to update their ties to adapt to the new situations that appear over the years.

So what happens to the couple who doesn’t update their bond?

If that happens, the original bond can become an obstacle to individual development and the development of the couple. Furthermore, if the pace of individual growth is not the same, this difference can give rise to an asynchronous couple in which it is difficult to update the bond (the expectations and needs of both parties are different).

Therefore, the harmonious growth of the couple requires rhythmic individual growth. Now, this evolution is not so simple. Let us not forget that we are talking about the growth processes of two autonomous people and the construction of new links of interdependence.

What elements come into play in the individual growth process?

People behave according to guidelines, habits, personal style, beliefs, values, relational ties, emotional experiences, identity and life script in transactional terminology. In stable situations our behaviors are adaptive and our relationships satisfactory.

When we find ourselves in a situation of idealization everything is going well and therefore we do not see the need to change. In the case of a couple we are in the phase of falling in love. But this situation of idyllic well-being is artificial in the medium term since people change internally in the same way that our environment also changes. Sometimes it is difficult for us to take a step and evolve, we cling to that well-being experienced in the first phase and disconnect from the current moment.

What does couples coaching work in this sense?

From coaching, our objective is for both members to reflect on their role within the couple’s relationship so that, subsequently, they find those common points that direct them towards new shared goals of change and evolution.

And what kind of work are we talking about?

We refer to the three-stage work. The first stage of the couples coaching process corresponds to awareness. Each member needs a space to become aware of where they are and how they feel about the other person.

Couples arrive with a reason for consultation related to the complaint, the difficulty in being heard, being respected, etc. The request refers to the other more than to oneself. Precisely, in this first stage of work it is essential to realize what the individual role is and its consequences.

Once the two are located, it is time to take responsibility. In the second stage of the coaching process there are three key questions:

What do you work on from these answers?

Among the aspects we analyze, we pay special attention to how each person receives someone else’s request. It is interesting to observe how the request reaches and “resonates” in the individual. The associated thoughts and feelings will offer a wide range of meanings that will favor the taking of mutual responsibility, information that is usually obscured by discussions and unconstructive conversations.

And what is the last stage?

The third stage is action. The coach brings the couple closer to change based on the following questions:

As we can see, when working on all these aspects it is important to keep the focus on oneself, the other and the bond. This is something that does not always happen in the couple’s real life. The coach is in charge of helping to keep all the focuses active, otherwise, the work done throughout the sessions will be in vain.

In short, how can we understand the growth of the couple?

The growth of the couple is the permanent search for the bond that, in the “here and now”, allows maximum personal development with the other. The bond is, at the same time, the shared objective and the means that facilitates greater individual development. In reality, highly developed couples use the growth of the couple as a catalyst for individual growth, since they make the most of the synergy of interdependence as opposed to the blockage that a dependency relationship represents.