Competitiveness In A Couple: What It Is, How To Identify And Manage It
Do you feel that your relationship is a constant fight to win? Do you feel jealous when your partner achieves success? Can’t you achieve the same objective and that’s why everyone does things their own way? Do you feel like there is a constant challenge between you? You are in the right place, keep reading to gain knowledge to observe your points to work on and tools for it.
Throughout our evolutionary history we learn to be competitive, from the family system, consolidating in school and becoming very visible in the workplace. But what happens when we feel the constant struggle for power in the couple? How does competitiveness affect our emotional relationship? Are we aware of the need to alternate roles? Do you cling to a dominant or submissive attitude?
Keep reading to identify competition in your partner, discover the factors and dynamics that reinforce it, learn about tools and learn how to manage them to build a healthier relationship.
Competition within a couple has very different dynamics than competition in the world we know. The basis of the couple is sharing, making joint decisions as a team, manage conflict resolution, communicate honestly, and most importantly enjoy common achievements and overcome difficult moments together. Many times and without realizing it, we project many shortcomings onto the other person, demanding to satisfy a specific need. We believe that our partner has the duty to make us happy and fulfill our desires.
This demand feels like great pressure towards the person who we believe should satisfy us. When we take for granted the fact that the other person has to make me happy, we focus all our thoughts and actions on the external; a person who makes me happy, a house that fulfills my desire for security, a pet that meets my need for affection, etc. We will never find happiness and full satisfaction with ourselves, and precisely this relational dynamic requiring external factors to satisfy internal needs, is a poorly oriented path towards plenitude.
When we understand that happiness begins and ends with oneself, in knowing and accepting ourselves just as we are, and understanding that the person we are today is constantly changing and therefore we must have constant self-love and self-observation to adapt to the different stages and conflicts of life. When one is sure of oneself, trusts in the course of life and looks for internal factors such as sensations and personal satisfaction, we begin to understand the partner as someone who decides to be by our side with total freedom and without conditions. Offering what you want at all times.
But, how do I know if my partner has a competitive dynamic? What happens in a couple with high competitiveness? Let’s look at some day-to-day signs that can happen in competitive couples.
1. Reason or absolute truth
Nobody has the absolute truth or reason; It all depends on our perception, state of mind, life-long learning and values, among others. When discussions become a battle for who wins, it is a clear sign of competitiveness, since in these moments we forget the objective of the discussion and move on to escalation where unimportant things are discussed. Many times wanting to be right implies personal shortcomings that make us feel vulnerable and fragile when we don’t have the last word.
2. Emotional intimacy
To share emotional intimacy and strengthen the couple, it is necessary to perceive our partner without threats; as a confidant and not as someone who at any moment can turn against you out of self-interest. This happens when there are basic values such as trust, security, respect and communication.
To create emotional intimacy you have to open yourself emotionally and honestly with your partner It is about having enough confidence and certainty that he will respect you to be able to tell him what no one or very few people know about you; your most intimate part.
3. Personal achievements and failures
When we feel unconditional love and compassion for the other person, we receive their achievements as a common achievement; Your partner achieving their goals makes them feel better and, consequently, they can relate more positively to you
On the other hand, your partner’s mistakes or failures are viewed with compassion; understanding the frustration that our partner feels and supporting with passion and understanding to turn failures into learning.
4. Choose responsibly
Responsibility for the decisions we make in our daily lives empowers the person, they He feels that he has the power to change the situations around him When we take responsibility for wanting to be by someone’s side, we are consistent with what arises from the relationship; joys and difficulties. In a couple, everything that happens originates from the people who make it up; Something does not happen if another does not want it or does not allow it, therefore there is no fault, but responsibility for both parties.
When we accept a person in their entirety or accept reality as it is and not as we would like it to be, gratitude begins Once I accept, everything I receive from the external world and from my partner becomes a gift for which all that remains is to say thank you. No one has an obligation to be or do something the way you would like, so if you feel that your partner acts in an annoying way, ask yourself why it bothers you so much, since it is surely a personal issue that affects you. Next, communicate with your partner so that they are aware that something specific bothers you, even if it is not their responsibility, but yours to discover why you dislike it.
Manage and work on competitiveness
Now that you know the signs and have observed if you have to work on any of the factors that make a couple a constant struggle, read on to find out how to work on the previous points.
1. Always wanting to be right has a background of insecurities and lack of recognition
Whenever you feel angry because they don’t agree with you, stop and ask yourself: “What does this feeling remind me of? At what point have I felt without a voice or vote that has hurt me enough to continue in this rigid position? How must my partner feel about my behavior?”
2. Build emotional intimacy
It is the most key point for a couple to be happy and have a long life. When we connect with the person and create emotional intimacy we are working on essential values in the couple that foster a positive bond with our partner; the Union. From a deep conversation, discuss each other’s desires and fears, about projects and dreams, and above all about what the couple we have built contributes to me, what our values are as a family, etc.
You may be interested: “9 habits to connect emotionally with someone”
3. Achievements and failures
Many times we feel jealous of our partner’s achievements, or we feel that their achievements make us feel small. On the other hand, their mistakes or frustrated goals make us angry and we feel that our partner has less value because of it. Right now remember that the couple is a team with a single objective; personal and couple well-being
Sometimes anger or joy arises because we project unfulfilled desires onto our partner; Remember that you are different people with spaces to share achievements and mistakes. The worst mistake couples make is wanting to achieve perfection; Your individuality as a couple makes you the couple you are today.
You feel that events in your relationship are slipping out of your hands when you are not aware of the decisions you make. Exchange as a couple requires constant decision making. The first and most important is the choice of the person with whom you want to share your life. That is why it is important to consciously choose your partner; That being by the person’s side is a decision that you make daily and responsibly.
The moment you relate to yourself from responsibility, you will stop demanding from your partner ; demand that he satisfy your desires, demand that he make you feel happy, demand that he do something for you, etc. Your partner is free to do what he wants and how he wants, just like you. If you need something specific from your partner, don’t hesitate to ask clearly.
5. Accept and thank
Acceptance is necessary to avoid conflict with present reality and our expectations. Reflect on your emotional relationship ; personality aspects of your partner, couple communication dynamics, roles in the home, fears and desires, future projects, etc. Now make a list of what you like about your partner and what bothers you or what you would like to change.
For what you like, go point by point and repeat “I appreciate (for example the perseverance) that my partner shows and does so much good for me. Thank you.” For what you are not so comfortable with or that bothers you, read point by point and repeat “I accept (for example) the irritability that my partner shows and it does so much harm to him. With love.” There will be aspects that bother you and you simply set the limit of not continuing to allow it. Ask yourself how I feel and how I can communicate it to my partner to find a solution or a way to manage it, and if it is necessary to go to a psychologist.
Conclusion
When we know our own vulnerabilities and those of the other person, understanding, acceptance and love arise, but never competition Remember that it always helps to be aware that we decide to continue by our partner’s side every day, that we are a team with the sole objective of understanding each other and sharing well-being.
In this way, everything that arises in the couple is a gift; whether it is an opportunity to strengthen the relationship or a moment for enjoyment. The success and management of the couple fills our hearts with joy.
