Controlling People: 8 Characteristics That Give Them Away
Much of human personality is defined by the way we relate to others. Controlling people, in particular, express one of the most problematic facets of their way of behaving through attitudes that limit the freedom of others.
In this article we will see What are the fundamental aspects that characterize controlling people? as well as different ways to recognize the different variants of this behavioral style.
Each person is unique, and of course, to fully understand the logic behind an individual’s way of acting, it is necessary to pay attention to it instead of starting from prejudices and generalities. However, a good starting point is to observe if his behavioral style corresponds to certain categories described from psychology.
In the case of people with a tendency to want to control others, paying attention to these signals is especially important, since The well-being of another person can be affected by the lack of resources to protect themselves from the first
1. They handle mental frames well
When we communicate, we not only utter words: we also make the conversation revolve around a mental framework in which what we say and what the other says to answer us makes sense.
For example, if we talk about “the children of Spain” we express a mental framework by which a country is a practically human entity, with interests and a way of being defined, while if we talk about “the Spaniards”, we only We refer to a group of inhabitants of a region.
Controlling people know that They need to hide their true motivations when it comes to treating those they want to subdue in a certain way, and that is why they use language to create a moral alibi. For example, in relationships it is very common for these people to talk about the emotional bond that unites them with their lover as if it were a relationship in which one protects the other.
2. They act as if they know the essence of the controlled person
Controlling people tend to base the justification of their behavior on a supposed ability to “see” the essence of people and decide what is best for them. Of course, this is not expressed literally, but it can be seen in what they say.
For example, they talk about the practically innate and immutable weaknesses of the other person to try to “compensate” for those limitations by controlling that aspect of their life, at the same time doing everything possible to make the limits of that supposed area of life very blurred.
3. They act with paternalism
Controlling people who try to hide the way in which they exercise their power over others often resort to a paternalistic tone.
They can do this by being conciliatory (for example, offering to make a decision for the other person). or more directly dominating (for example, they criticize the other’s “lack of personality” or criteria to try to get the person who has been criticized to submit to the decisions that are imposed on them from outside).
The more social contacts the dominated person has, the more likely they will be to get rid of that toxic relationship. For this reason, controlling people try to make their victim go without contacts, without friends or, in the most extreme cases, without frequent meetings with the family
This is very noticeable in romantic relationships, an area in which it is very likely that controlling people will try to exercise the control they want by taking advantage of the intimacy that this type of relational ties confers.
5. They do not seek to cooperate, they seek unconditional support
Normally, controlling people prepare the ground to manipulate others not at the moment when it is very important for them to have their unconditional support, but much earlier, in situations of less importance.
So, for example, at the slightest sign of sympathy for someone with whom the controlling person is even slightly at odds, it is easy to show indignation or frustration. The message is clear: It is the controlling person who defines the limits of empathy and sympathy (not to mention the friendship) that the other, the one who is subjected, can have.
In this way, when the unconditional support of the other is needed, it will be practically guaranteed, since not providing the required help would break with the history of unconditional support in unimportant situations, and cognitive dissonance would appear.
6. They believe they have the right to interfere in everything
For controlling people, the right to be alone can be questioned if they look for a suitable excuse to do it. It is not always because they want to be controlling the other person 24 hours a day; Sometimes, it is simply because they do not take their needs into account.
7. They talk about a “common good” to make decisions for the other
It is very common for controlling people to act as if it were totally normal to anticipate someone else’s decisions and make them themselves for the other person. The excuse can be “not wasting time”, “doing what is right for everyone”, etc.
8. They apply to other criteria of extreme perfectionism
Finally, it is common for controlling people to feel frustrated if others behave in a way that deviates from their ideal even when others have never shown themselves to agree with those standards of perfection.
This can lead to many arguments or, on the contrary, the idea that it is normal to submit to their criteria, since they behave as if they have the authority to establish the limit between what is right and what is wrong.
