Couples Therapy: Prelude To Divorce Or The Beginning Of A New Love?
Our task as therapists is usually that of the “fuse.” The last resort that is reached after having tried all the other possible ones From medicine, to the various treatments for discomfort proposed by the consumer society.
And, in the case of couples and their suffering, this is no different.
A couple usually asks us for psychological attention when their members no longer speak, have no contact, or have resorted to violent behavior with which they do not agree. The influence of friends or relatives often influences the decision to seek help.
And it is that being unwell can coincide with being accustomed to discomfort And then help is only sought when someone close to the couple expresses discomfort.
The couple arrives at the consultation for one of their members. The one who recognizes his desire to change something to continue the relationship.
But it also happens that whoever requests treatment does so to “change the other” So, couples therapy has to go through those conditions that usually mark its level of effectiveness.
The expected result, for some, is the peace of mind of having done “everything possible” to maintain their commitment to the couple, with their personal mandate over it. And then reach the separation without so much guilt
For others, it is the possibility of starting to talk about their own personal difficulties, which they can only put into words in the face of possible separation. But that separation, in some cases, has already taken place in fact. And in others, it is an instance that can be reached with greater or lesser damage for each of the members of the couple and their environment.
The truth is that “break up” is a very important term for most people. It is essential to refer to the situation of emancipation from the family of origin, which is a condition for accessing adult life.
Separating is a term that usually defines various states of emancipation Many times those who reach the “separation” are doing so, in addition to their current partner, from her mother, and from the form of connection that has been received from this mother and from her values, beliefs and habits.
A new beginning from which to strengthen the love bond
For all this, couples therapy is not “terminal therapy.” You don’t have to admit that bad press. It is a possibility to start talking about each person’s discomfort , inside and outside the couple. But not without inserting her into it.
One of the things one can think about is the reaction of seeking help for one’s partner. Many couples who in turn have individual psychological treatment seek to do couple treatment, taking for granted the entity of the couple as a subject different from its members. This entity can be experienced as something that they want to cure.
In cases like this, it is important to be able to accommodate this desire to do something for your partner.
There are situations that usually trigger destabilization in couples. When a child becomes independent and leaves home, it raises all the alarms in the foundations of the couple.
There, in what is often called the “empty nest”, Couples who support themselves by caring for their children experience their departure as the loss of their meaning as a couple Certain routines that required a lot of time, such as transporting children, caring for them, and educating them, are prescribed. They are no longer functional. And in its place there is free time. To be reassigned or transited.
Any change in the routines that make up the life cycle entails grief. The transition from one way of living life to another does not happen without some degree of inscription in grief.
Meetings appear between husband and wife where perhaps they see each other as two strangers, outside the role of father and mother of their children.
At that point it is played again a possible reunion with expectations that may be misaligned with the couple’s real possibilities or not Or just an external intervention can cause something that went out of control. In the film played by Meryl Streep in “What am I going to do with my husband?”, where Steve Carell plays a couples therapist, this aspect of the problem is well exposed.
Coldness and indifference usually go together in many marriages and are taken naturally.
In other cases, something makes noise in the mourning of lost youth, of children who are already grown, and the processing of this mourning is not carried out and violence or illness appears in one or two of the spouses.
The therapist is that third place where something can be put into words, a reactive and consistent distance and indifference over time. Cooldown effect a link can suffer when left unattended.
Couples therapy is a possible place where the resumption of a dialogue can be enforced which is on hold. Its consequences will vary case by case. And therein lies the creativity expected from this process.
