Dad And Mom Are Separated! And Now… What Is Going To Happen To Me?

In this article we want to offer a more realistic view of what a marital separation can generate in the eyes of the children and offer four guidelines with which you can face this new situation and help them understand it and have the most positive experience possible of the separation.

Separation is a reality with which we live, it is part of our society and in our hands is the possibility of generating satisfactory solutions to the problems that may arise for our children. It is vital to keep in mind the damage that can be caused if these guidelines are not followed.

Parental separation: a traumatic experience for children

When we ask ourselves what we want for our children, most parents respond “for them to be well and happy.” Given this imperative desire to seek and generate the happiness and well-being of children, we have to keep in mind that it depends on “the parents” that the children are well and happy after separation.

It is obvious that we do not know what is going to happen, but it is clear that adaptation to the new family situation will be better, less traumatic and easier for the sons and daughters of parents who, after separation, are capable of to share decisions about the children and cooperate for their well-being.

What aspects are most difficult for a child regarding separation?

The aspects that generate the most tension in a child when there is a separation are the following:

• That a parent shows sadness or discomfort due to the separation.

• That questions about the private life of the other parent are generated by the mother or father.

• Negative comments from other people in the environment towards the parents.

All these aspects They generate great pressure on the children and this tension can cause adaptation difficulties and short-term symptoms such as depression, anxiety, developmental regressions, anger, aggression, school difficulties… It is also not strange that the child may suffer a drop in self-esteem and self-confidence.

The reactions that boys and girls have after separation are different and diverse, and this tells us that it depends on how the separation process is carried out by the parents and the relationship established between them, which will determine and condition the adaptation. of the children.

Four general guidelines on the separation process to care for our children

First of all, it must be clarified that The general indicators in each case are variable and must be adjusted based on the age of the child and marital situation The guidelines that we propose are good for children and therefore it should be advisable to make an effort to carry them out, and in this way help improve the adaptation and process of the children in separation.

1. Communicate the decision to separate to the children

An agreement must be reached between the parents regarding how it is going to be communicated and with what words it is going to be said, as well as both of them must be present and agree on the decision that has been made, so that when transmitting this information to the children it is correct and consistent with what is going to be done. It must be made clear that each of the spouses will live in a different house, that it is not their fault, that sometimes older people get angry and cannot be together and it is better to live separately. It is necessary to assure them that they are not going to lose you, that you are their father and mother and that you are going to continue loving them, you are going to be with them and you will continue to care for them as always.

It must be made clear that they will be able to continue with the same activities they usually do, that both houses will be their home, that their toys can be in one house or the other without problems…

2. Make it clear that the children are not to blame

It must be made clear that separation is a decision that adults have made and that it has nothing to do with them and that they are not to blame, nor are they responsible for the decision for their parents to separate. It must be emphasized that they will continue to be your father and mother even though they do not live in the same house, and that this decision of theirs is so that everyone is happier and shows that the changes in their lives are going to be positive ( “we will stop fighting and arguing”, “we will be less sad”, “calmer”…).

You should ask them what they think about it, ask them if they have any doubts or concerns about this change and leave the door open to their emotional expression. Definitely, We must let them ask us when any doubt or fear arises This is essential to generate good communication and will help children adapt in a natural and least traumatic way possible.

3. Communicate how the visits will be carried out

In this case, the situations can be very diverse and different depending on the age of the child and the process followed in the separation, but The better communication and agreement between parents there is, the better experience they will be able to transmit to their children

It is important in this section to be clear about the aspects that generate tension in the children, in order to be clear about what I want for my child and how I contribute as a father or mother to the adaptation and reduction of the tension generated by the separation.

4. Minimize the impact that as adults we can generate on our children

In this section we refer to have control and acceptance that the situation of adults has changed but that our children still have a father and a mother and that we must avoid certain negative comments, work on our anger or frustration with a person who can guide and help us manage it and not project it on them, not generate the well-known “loyalty conflicts.” , because at the end of the day they love you both and don’t want to hurt you.

Learn more: “Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS): a form of child abuse”

Some conclusions and nuances

These are some of the aspects that we want to leave you with so that you can take into account in the event that you are immersed in this separation process and even if you have already carried it out, it is important that you keep these guidelines or points in mind.

Finally, it should be noted that The obligation of parents to achieve the well-being of their children is of vital importance If the boy or girl shows signs of symptoms that may be harming some facet of his or her life, we should put ourselves in the hands of a specialist in child and adolescent psychiatry and psychology to be able to carry out an appropriate evaluation and treatment. In addition, educational psychologists will meet with parents to be able to offer and facilitate guidelines and strategies that they can implement and thus minimize the impact on their children.