Did You Know That More Important Than Self-esteem Is Self-compassion?
The truth is that raising self-esteem is not as simple as increasing muscle mass. The self-esteem or self-value that you assign to yourself has a lot to do with your quality of life and your social relationships; It is imagining yourself as a treasure, who is special and therefore deserves respect.
But to feel like a treasure, an implicit message is that you must stand out and be special in something, compared to others. Also It involves setting goals to achieve that justify this self-value. That is, self-esteem depends on many external factors, and improving self-esteem commonly leads to constant comparison and competition with other people.
Why is being more compassionate with yourself so important?
We like the term self-esteem, because thinking about improving self-esteem is like thinking about increasing muscle mass and getting stronger. Most people feel that they have to become stronger in order to cope with the difficulties in their lives that having low self-esteem, being very weak, not being able to handle criticism, rejections… due to lack of personal strength.
In this sense, many exercises and suggestions to improve self-esteem are based on feeding yourself with positive and motivating messages (“you can do it, you are valuable, look at everything you achieved, you can love yourself more” etc.). the idea that it is simply about ingesting the indicated messages and thoughts (like food) to become stronger little by little. It sounds easy.
Why the idea of raising self-esteem doesn’t work
The problem is that, if your self-esteem is low, You find it difficult to believe the positive things that other people tell you. If you are convinced that you are bad, useless, problematic, etc. They are beliefs so deeply ingrained that they are not going to change simply because someone tells you otherwise.
In the same way, focusing on the aspects in which you excel to feel special or better in front of others only puts more pressure on you, since there will always be people better or more outstanding than you in any area of life. When you find yourself constantly being tested and compared to prove your worth over and over again, the project of working on self-esteem becomes a hamster wheel.
A different story about self-esteem
In reality, what you identify as low self-esteem is not an indicator of weakness, but rather it means that there is a very strong critic in your mind.
Imagine yourself in parts composed of different actors and internal voices, each one with a role. More or less like in movies or series, where the protagonist must make a difficult decision and suddenly we see him talking with his angel and his inner demon who appear next to him, giving him completely opposite instructions.
Your inner critic represents the voice in charge of controlling your behavior. It is this voice that calls out to you in the morning: “You should have gone to bed earlier last night.” And at night before going to sleep: “You should have accomplished more tasks during this day.” His intention is not evil, he wants to protect you, prepare you for the worst and make sure you are up to the task of daily life. The problem is that, if it is very strong, it weakens you in the long term, because of course, it is like being next to someone who does not trust your abilities at all.
The dynamics of the inner critic
If your critic or internal judge is very strong, it keeps you on constant alert, watching everything you do like a distrustful mother or father and will always find things that still need to be fixed, so you will never do enough to make them happy.
From the logic of the critic, self-esteem is in the achievements that represent a person. The more achievements, the more personal value. So, if you follow the narrative of the inner critic, your self-esteem will improve when you obtain results: Winning a competition, a promotion at work and everything that gives social recognition and admiration. That is to say, your self-esteem would only improve after a period of effort from the critic’s whip, when a moment of glory comes that will feed your security. Unfortunately, achievements are only moments and after a while the emotion that for a second could sustain a spark of self-esteem passes.
The effects of chronic criticism
The conviction that you need constant vigilance and criticism to stay motivated and perform better has not been confirmed. Rather the opposite happens: The greater the self-criticism, the lower your creative and motivational capacity in the long term and it can even lead you to strong states of depression.
It has been scientifically proven that constant self-criticism significantly increases stress levels, which can be measured based on levels of cortisol and adrenaline in the blood. It puts you in a constant survival mode, which in the short term has the function of putting you on alert for danger, but in the long term it irritates and wears you down. It’s as if you constantly feel like you’re being chased, only it’s you who’s chasing you and you’re spending energy being the chaser and the chased at the same time. Thus, performance under criticism, over time, makes you less efficient in reaching your goals.
Working on self-esteem as if it were something to nourish doesn’t make much sense then. It’s more important know the dynamics of self-criticism that you are practicing and record how you are speaking to yourself on a daily basis.
It is important to introduce new voices
Improving self-esteem has more to do with addressing this critic (where does it come from? Is your criterion really valid? Is it still relevant?), on the one hand, and on the other hand, introducing new, non-critical, but more friendly and compassionate voices that also They exist in you and will help you calm down and lower stress levels, to strengthen your creativity and self-confidence in the long term.
In a situation in which you are always very critical of yourself, ask yourself, for example, if the same thing had happened to a good friend of yours, what would you say to them? Would you talk to him the same way you are talking to yourself right now? We are often much harsher on ourselves than on other people and it is because of this mistaken belief that severe control protects us.
The role of self-compassion in our sense of self-worth
Compassion is the ability to feel with the other person and want to act so that their pain is relieved. It is directly linked to our capacity for empathy. A compassionate person is someone who recognizes and validates another’s pain and works to understand what they need in their situation. Be next to her, hug, listen and validate the other’s feelings.
Too much self-pity is often associated with the idea of relaxing too much and losing sight of one’s goals, but in fact the opposite has been proven. Feeling compassion from others not only benefits our mental health by lowering stress levels, but also benefits our physical health.
People who grow up and live in more compassionate contexts live longer and in better health. Which makes a lot of sense, given that the compassionate voice is almost the opposite of the critical voice. Experiencing compassion increases your oxytocin levels (happiness hormone) and strengthens personal confidence as you stop making comparisons and recognize yourself as just another human, with weaknesses similar to others.
Being self-compassionate is not victimization
Unfortunately, it is still rare for us to apply compassion toward ourselves. It is almost frowned upon, because it is confused with egocentrism and victimization, although it is very different. Self-pity sounds paradoxical because it is associated with becoming more docile and finally recognizing one’s own weakness. Many people fear this process because they feel that it involves a loss of control over their situation.
Pity is different from self-pity, because puts the other person in a victim position where they can do nothing but lament and wait. Victimizing yourself would be telling you: “I, poor thing, am not to blame and can’t do anything.”
Having self-compassion would be: “This situation is difficult, it really frustrates me and I have a hard time finding a solution.” (validate), “I really need more… help, understanding, patience, etc.” (think about solutions and alternatives without criticizing yourself for not having found them yet).
Self-compassion puts you in a moment of pause and reunion, from which you will feel the motivation to continue.
How to practice self-compassion
Kristin Neff (2013), a pioneer in research on the benefits of self-compassion, includes three processes in her practice.
1. Mindfulness
It is to recognize these difficult moments in which, Instead of criticizing yourself, you should accompany yourself as a friend. The most complicated thing about practicing self-compassion is to catch yourself in the moments when you are being most severe with yourself, to get out of the previous dynamics of self-criticism. Mindfulness involves simple statements like: “That’s hard, I’m going through a hard time, I feel sad.”
2. Humanity
Instead of looking for ways to stand out, recognize that you are human and that your weaknesses connect you with others, they do not isolate you. The challenges you go through are similar to those of others and you are not alone. Phrases that help you recognize your own humanity can be: “That’s part of life, it’s normal to have those challenges, other people feel the same way in these situations.”
3. Kindness
Talk to you and treat you with affection, imagine what a good friend would say to you in this situation, caress you. Telling yourself things like: “You are doing what you can, you will find a way.”
That is different from telling yourself motivational messages, because it requires a process of greater presence with yourself and finding the words that you really need to hear in a difficult or frustrating situation and therefore giving yourself the time and courage to listen to your own needs, because you deserve it.
Self-compassion requires recognition and acceptance of our own imperfection and vulnerability and it is also telling you that you don’t have to achieve everything and you don’t always have to do it perfect. But precisely this process is necessary, because it is the truth. We cannot do everything and we will not always achieve perfection. Only then do you free yourself from constant self-criticism and stop being yourself but an enemy by not forcing yourself to be more. It is saying to yourself: “You are and do enough.” It motivates you to continue without the need for constant criticism or threat.
