What is the common denominator that makes us fall in love and choose a particular person to be our partner?
This question seems very simple, but many people say that they really don’t know why they choose one person or another. They say that perhaps they are guided at first by certain characteristics – physical or not – that catch their attention or by some personality trait or they are simply guided by an intuition.
It is curious that many people, after breaking up with an unsatisfactory relationship, find themselves in a similar situation again and again over time. This situation is due to the fact that There is a common denominator in these relationships, they fall in love with a person very similar to their ex-partner and that leads to repeating the same pattern. Therefore, this generates very similar situations and conflicts in different relationships – but not so different from each other.
Scientific studies say that people tend to relate to their partners in a similar way to how they learned to relate to their parents during their childhood. Depending on that, a wide range of relational possibilities can be found. If the relationships with their parents were positive, healthy and satisfactory, they will tend to look for partners similar to their parents – in the way they relate and communicate with each other.
On the other hand, if the relationships with their parents were rather negative, conflictive and unhealthy, they tend to repeat those relational patterns in future couples. And why does that happen?
The insecurities that we carry with us since childhood
This is because parental relationships created certain insecurities some fears and emotional needs that left, in some way, that emotional mark that usually accompanies them throughout life. They can look for people who apparently seem different from those figures, but who unconsciously have something in common. That’s because they try to do better what the parents did wrong – or what could be improved.
They are people who, at the beginning of a new relationship, relate in a positive and healthy way. But, faced with some difficulty or problem as a couple – which always appear over time – they bring out those insecurities and fears. This makes them become absorbing, distrustful, distant etc., which is what they learned from the way they interacted with their parents.
At this point they feel disappointed in their partner, for being completely different from what they knew about that person at the beginning of that relationship. And it is not true that they are different people – the one at the beginning and the one at the end of the relationship – but that, in the beginning, they related in a healthier, more positive way and that changes when one of the two members or both Those fears are activated for some reason. They begin to relate from insecurity and fear, which were the patterns they learned and recorded in their childhood.
We talk about the tendency to follow the patterns that were learned in childhood, but no one says that these patterns cannot be modified. If you realize that these patterns lead you to be unhappy with the choice of your travel companions in life, you will have to do something to get out of that situation. With greater or lesser difficulty you can modify some things so that that relapse in the search for wrong partner patterns vary, modify and disappear.
How could we change these recurring and problematic patterns? To get out of this relapse in the search for patterns of complicated relationships we have to comply with the following points:
1. Identify our fears
Think about what makes us most afraid when we are in a relationship and think about why we may feel that way (parental relationships in childhood, some unresolved breakup, etc.).
2. Similarities between the relationships you have had and what problems you tend to experience with your partners
This way you will identify which things you have to work on individually.
3. Overcome fears
Don’t be afraid of things happening before they happen. But don’t let those fears lead you to create situations that make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy.
4. Have confidence in yourself and value yourself (know yourself)
We have to keep in mind that every person has a series of virtues and defects (to a greater or lesser extent). Being aware of this can make you value your attitudes and behaviors. These behaviors can be worked on and enhanced. You should not think that your happiness depends on the person you have by your side (who helps or empowers you) but you yourself should feel good and happy on your own.
Discover that there are interesting people who come out of “the patterns you usually focus on” and who can give you many things. Expand the type of person you usually notice, both physically and personally.
