Emotional Abandonment Is As Harmful As Physical Abandonment

lack of affection It can be as serious as being deprived of food or shelter and as hard as being physically abandoned. Let’s look at a brief example that shows this phenomenon.

The effects of emotional abandonment, in an example

Gema went to university to collect her third master’s degree. After putting her newly signed diploma in a huge envelope, her secretary stood up from her and shook her hand as she gave him a warm congratulations, looking into her eyes.

She left that dark building crying like a “cupcake”, because a thought appeared in her head like a revelation: “This is the first time someone has truly congratulated me on an achievement in my entire life.”.

So he looked for a bar to have something to help him digest everything he was feeling. Her first reaction was to search for information on her cell phone. For hours she did not take her eyes off that screen, all to reach a sad conclusion: she had suffered “emotional abandonment” in childhood.

The worst thing is that it seemed that this left indelible marks, it was something irreversible. That made her feel so bad that she couldn’t stop drinking until she almost lost consciousness.

But she was a born fighter. So the next day, with a tremendous headache, she decided seek therapy that, if possible, would help him repair his damage. After weighing different options, he decided to try psychoanalysis.

Aftermath of a complicated childhood

In the first session she told me that she felt very alone. She blamed herself for focusing too much on her studies and neglecting her friends.

I told him about the importance of what we experience in childhood. But Gema, like so many patients, He barely remembered anything from his childhood, everything was wrapped in a kind of gray nebula. I explained that her mind had blocked her memories to protect her.

“I was two “little eyes” that looked, but whom no one saw,” she said in a session full of sadness, remembering that abandoned girl she was.

When Gema grew up a little, her parents did not hesitate to use her for household chores and to tell them about their problems. Her mother called her “my cloth of tears” and her father told him about her sad childhood for hours, during which he did not even expect a response from her.

They went out to party every weekend. Many times they left her alone at home, in the care of her little brother. Sometimes they would arrive drunk and she would hear them fighting among themselves.

Gem She became a very quiet and submissive girl, unable to express their desires or opinions for fear of being rejected. She dedicated herself to the task of taking care of her parents and siblings. But she didn’t care, because in this way she felt that she was useful and at least that’s how they saw her.

Despite being a good student, Gema had a hard time paying attention in class. She was always in her “cloud”, confused, due to the confusion that reigned in her mind. That, and perhaps the horrible clothes that her mother put on her, caused her to be made fun of. She experienced “bullying” from some of her classmates, so she often wanted to disappear from the “map.”

He tried to make friends, but he didn’t finish integrating into any group. Then he decided to seek refuge in books, which allowed him to live other lives better than his own. But this confined her even more within her shell.

During his teenage years he felt he had to socialize, so he started drinking and trying drugs to socialize.

His addictions and obsession with books continued into his adult life, in which he was unable to forge a single stable relationship. Everything got worse over the years.

The recovery process in therapy

Thanks to therapy, Gema was able to realize that her parents were always more concerned about their own needs than about her. They had no genuine interest in her friends or interests. They never supported her or applauded her efforts. Studies were “her obligation” to her and it didn’t matter what she did, it was never enough. In this way it was impossible for her to constitute solid self-esteem.

Her parents’ relationship with her was cold and distant. And this was the only thing that Gema was later able to reproduce in her adult life. She was “disabled” on an emotional level. She found it impossible to establish deep and lasting relationships.

And if we are not “seen” as children by our parents, it is as if we did not exist. There is nothing worse than that, because we are being “ostracized.” They not only exclude us from the family environment, but from the entire society, in which it will then be difficult for us to integrate.

Thus the natural instinct of belonging is being attacked because we are social beings who need to connect with each other

Gema was releasing all her pain in therapy. Her wounds of abandonment and rejection were healing progressively, with a lot of suffering, yes, and with time. “If it doesn’t hurt it doesn’t heal,” she used to tell him frequently in our many sessions.

Little by little she began to value herself, to feel proud of herself and to have enough confidence to begin to establish more healthy connections with the right people. Finally a new life was possible for her.

In conclusion…

Society must become aware that the consequences of physical and psychological abuse in childhood are very serious. We must give a good emotional foundation to our children, who need the love of their parents, as much as the food or the air they breathe. If not, the effects on adult life are terrifying.

And in the case of having suffered emotional neglect, it is necessary to look for a therapy that helps release all that pain suffered in childhood, because as Jung said: “Until you make your unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it destiny.” .