Emotional Dependency: What Is It And How Should It Be Treated?
Human beings are dependent by nature. If we think about it carefully, from the moment we are born we depend on maternal care, food, contact, protection, the affection of others, etc. This condition of dependence, which is material and emotional, extends throughout life There is no one who is not dependent: we need the company of our partner, our parents, our friends, work, professionals, the water we drink, the air we breathe, the car that takes us, the notebook, our house, brothers, etc., etc.
However, as philosopher Gilles Lipovetsky described in his book “The Age of Vacuum,” we live in an individualistic era that values, sells and promotes the illusion of achieving absolute independence. Not depend on anyone, be yourself, imperturbable, well-rounded, disaffected by other people’s opinions, master of oneself, generator of one’s own things, owner of my place, etc.
This ideal of personal freedom, so current, by the way, is false and always impossible. Today’s society offers everything tailored to the individual personality, which makes understanding with others increasingly difficult. The Argentine writer Ernesto Sábato once said: “It is the other who always saves us. And if we have reached the age we are, it is because others have been saving our lives, incessantly.”
The issue of dependence/independence constitutes a difficult problem for all human beings The conflict is that we have conflicting desires: we want to be free, independent, and for no one to invade our personal space, but, at the same time, and with equal intensity, we want to be with others, to feel valued and recognized.
If we are too close we run the risk of getting burned, if we are too far away we can get very cold. An optimal distance is necessary, in the search for a balance that will never remain constant. The balance always tips towards one of the sides. There is no person who perfectly maintains this balance.
However, A dependent personality disorder appears when the person suffers from passive dependence to make decisions regarding their life Responsibilities are consulted and transferred to others, whether in major or minor matters. There is a great fear of showing disagreements for fear of being disapproved. The person behaves in a complacent and passive manner towards others, responding weakly. These personalities may experience a lack of intellectual or emotional vitality, feeling socially inadequate with strangers and excessive fear of abandonment and helplessness.
Given this, they can take on unpleasant tasks and constantly seek the protection of others. They do not feel confident in themselves and come to think that it is others who do things correctly. All of this problem is linked to low self-esteem and a devalued image of themselves.
How can I stop depending on another?
The underlying problem with this type of difficulties must be addressed psychotherapeutically. And it is convenient to make a distinction by giving an example that clarifies things. The problem is not being dependent, but overdependence The person who is excessively dependent from an emotional point of view feels that the other person is part of himself, that is, if, for example, a love relationship ends, he will feel that his life is passing away, that he will not be able to move on, something like that. If he were to lose an arm or a leg from his own body, he feels that he will be left hollow, without the strength to continue with his life.
On the other hand, the less emotionally dependent person, if they lose a relationship, will feel pain for the person who is leaving, but recognizing that ultimately, the other is an independent being, separated from their body and mind. In other words: losing a part of myself is not the same as losing someone who is external or alien to me, losing a leg is not the same as losing our bicycle. The dependent person is confused with the other, merges with the other, does not have his own personality and does not tolerate differences, which is why he needs to be constantly attached, receiving approval and advice.
The origin of this problem has many causes. We cannot explain it with just reason. It is related to the constitutionally inherited characteristics of each personality and to the characteristics of the significant figures in the emotional environment of each person
