Emotional Emptiness: When We Are Missing Something That We Cannot Explain
“I have everything and I don’t lack anything but I feel empty inside.” This is one of the phrases I hear most in consultations and I’m sure this thought has crossed your mind more than once.
What is the cause of this type of emotional emptiness?
Beyond the most basic material needs, there are many others that, at a certain point, can cause discomfort if they are not satisfied. We could compare this void to the shape of a deep black hole located in our stomach or chest. We could feel it the same as when we look into a well and only see darkness and are not able to see the bottom.
It is a void that becomes a very painful sensation and a great feeling of loneliness and you feel that there is something you need to feel complete, but you may not know what it is, and that something is a need for affection and approval.
On the other hand, one of the most harmful aspects of this situation is the difficulties it generates when identifying the cause of the discomfort. Not knowing where to direct our efforts to make the situation better can turn this experience into something that produces despair and restlessness.
Fight emotional emptiness
Many people combat this emptiness in different ways. thinking that this way they can be completed. Some begin to exercise excessively, others increase their alcohol consumption, some people find themselves putting in more hours than normal at work; Some gorge themselves on food and others begin to have a large number of sexual relations, in search of finding that person who can fill that emotional void that they feel and that another person has left.
This last behavior would make mention of the popular saying that we all know about “one nail pulls out another nail.”
What am I trying to achieve with these behaviors?
Fill the emptiness I feel. It is true that these resources that one takes help to control that sensation momentarily, as well as anxiety and nervousness, but what is the reality? That void continues to be within us and if we do not work on it in time it can complicate our daily lives.
We must assume that a good part of the emotional emptiness comes from poor care management. The fact of believing that nothing we do is significant comes from an excessive distance from our own life, as if what happens to us took place in a documentary.
What are we getting from this solution put in place?
What I do is anesthetize this feeling when I connect with it. Let’s imagine an inflatable mattress that has been punctured, what we do is fix it with a patch knowing that this quick fix will only last a while and that then, possibly, this patch will come off and finally we will have to buy another new mattress. That is, I try to put different patches on my black hole to plug it, but the result is that I reach the starting point again.
Psychological problems must be solved from their roots, attending to those dynamics that produce them. It is not enough to simply carry out initiatives based on reflection and introspection.
The causes
The causes of emotional emptiness are usually several, affecting our expectations and beliefs all at once. Maybe when you were little you didn’t get the affection you needed, or maybe you experienced a lot of overwhelming fights at home or didn’t feel like your efforts and results were validated. Or perhaps you experienced a loss or emotional bond that was important to you.
This can lead you, now as an adult, to have a negative self-concept and a need and overdependence on attention and approval by others. They can be predisposing factors for me to feel this incomplete, empty and alone. I need the other to form the puzzle, since without him I am missing the piece that completes me.
Dissatisfaction in relationships
In consultation I meet patients who are dissatisfied with their relationship or perhaps with the job that they have worked so hard to get, but they cling to it out of fear of loneliness, in the case of a relationship, or because of the fear of frustration that can be felt when realizing that the job you have always wanted does not meet your expectations. That is, I can have a partner with whom I feel comfortable and loves me, but perhaps the relationship does not satisfy me and I can feel alone and empty because of it.
That is why sometimes We are looking for what we are missing in my current relationship in another person. but without being able to separate ourselves from our partner. It is important that you take this emptiness as a warning sign that something is not right within you and that it does not make you feel full or allow you to achieve the emotional well-being you desire.
On the other hand, we must not forget that instrumentalizing personal and emotional relationships in this way not only harms us; He also does it with whoever accompanies us. That is why giving up this type of dynamic not only frees us from a lot of discomfort, it also benefits other people.
What’s happening? Many times we look away or turn a deaf ear to this emptiness because we don’t want to come across reality why we feel this way, causing great difficulty in maintaining our emotional well-being.
The problem is when we confuse desires with needs, causing that emotional discomfort to yourself. What do I mean? When you think that your relationship is so valuable that without it you will never be happy again. Or that if you decide to leave that job that does not meet the expectations you thought, you will never be able to achieve success.
Therefore, I propose an exercise: leave aside material solutions put on some glasses and a swimsuit and dive inside, to be able to identify what it is that you are not feeling well and that is causing you that feeling of emptiness. Because it is within us where the key is to achieve our happiness again.
The goal is to make this void smaller and that we can live with him without him harming us. And you will ask yourself, but can’t it disappear completely? The answer is no, since everything we experience leaves an internal mark on us, so we all have that small void.
It is important that you take control of this discomfort to be able to regulate and manage your emotions. You don’t have to go through this alone, perhaps you need help to take control and we can help you. Remember: it is a brave and responsible solution to achieve your emotional well-being.
