Empty Love: What It Is, Characteristics And How To Identify It In A Relationship
Love relationships can be of many types. There are them with passion, intimacy and commitment, lived fully and very satisfying. Others, however, become more empty, lacking passion but maintained by the mere fact that it is difficult to break them after so much time.
Empty love is the shell of what was once a relationship full of passion and deep knowledge of two people who loved each other very much. Now it is simply a relationship maintained because it is difficult to leave the comfort zone, which, although unpleasant, is preferable to any change.
This type of love is one of those proposed the famous American psychologist Robert J. Sternberg in his triangular theory, this being empty love that we are going to delve into below.
Love is something that can be very beautiful, even magical. Although each person lives it in their own way, each person having a different concept of love, there is no doubt that it is better to have love in our lives than not to have it.
There are people who understand that in a relationship, shared time should be prioritized and others who value freedom. There are also those for whom sex is fundamental in a love relationship, while for others it takes a rather secondary role.
It is no mystery that the spark of love can go out The magic, passion, intimacy, pleasure and excitement that seeing our partner causes us can fade, for any reason. On many occasions this ends in relationship problems, infidelities or directly in the breakup of the relationship. However, in others it happens that the relationship continues, they remain a couple, sometimes preserved more to avoid the bad news of breaking up than because there is the illusion that one day the flame of love will return. Only the shell of love remains, an empty love.
Empty love is not uncommon This is a situation that many people who have been together for years face. The passage of time, routine and misunderstandings in the relationship have meant that its members no longer love each other as much as before. The flame of passion has gone out and intimacy has been lost.
The bond has been eroding, little by little making those who were hopeless lovers now more like companions. The members of the couple feel little for each other, although it does not mean that there is no respect.
Sternberg’s triangular theory of love
The idea of empty love comes from the triangular theory of love, proposed by Robert J. Sternberg. This psychologist made important contributions to the understanding of interpersonal and emotional relationships, developing a theory about love that continues to have an impact today. Sternberg explained in his model that he proposed love as a pyramid with three vertices, in which each of them is an essential element to make up love:
1. Passion
Passion refers to physical attraction, excitement, and the need to be close to the other person It includes the entire area of sexuality, but it also includes romantic desire and the need to seek physical and emotional union with another.
This passion is very present at the beginning of relationships, and it is common for it to decrease as time goes by.
2. Privacy
Intimacy is the connection, complicity and trust that exists between the members of the couple In it we find feelings of affection and mutual closeness, aspects that make up a solid friendship, at a deeper level than that which would be had with a friend.
Intimacy makes the two lovers get to know each other, nurturing trust with each other. This intimacy usually occurs when the relationship is a little more advanced, the passion is stabilized and people already have a deeper knowledge of each other.
3. Commitment
The third element of Sternberg’s model is commitment, which is directly related to the decision to continue in the long-term relationship. It is about the will to maintain the link despite the problems that may arise throughout the relationship, valuing the shared history between the members of the couple and with the desire to achieve their common life project.
Now that we have seen the three elements of Sternberg’s model, we can understand that it proposes the existence of various types of love depending on whether they present one or another certain combination of them.
Depending on these three elements proposed by Sternberg, several combinations can arise that give rise to up to seven types of love, which we see below in a very schematic way
In the case of the seventh, which is empty love, There is the will to continue the relationship but there is no complicity or sexual or romantic desire In other words, there is commitment, but there is no passion or intimacy.
This type of love is typical of relationships of convenience or interests, whose members did not know each other before the union and have barely had time to awaken passion and establish a certain intimacy. It is also common for it to arise in couples with a long life history and who have not known how to manage the passage of time very well nor have they gotten to know each other better despite having been together for so long.
In the case of couples who previously had passion and intimacy, instead of stabilizing the first and acquiring more of the second, what happens is that sexual desire and trust end up being lost. Only commitment has remained, evidenced in the mere fact that he does not want to end the relationship because It is preferable to live in a hollow but stable relationship
On many occasions, they continue with the relationship because, if they are married with children, the divorce papers and the fight for custody of the children is something they are not willing to go through.
You may be interested: “Sternberg’s triangular theory of love”
Recovering consummate love
Many couples find themselves going through a phase in which there is empty love, just the opposite of what Sternberg referred to when in the relationship there is not only commitment, but also passion and intimacy: consummated love.
Commitment is a very important part of every relationship, essential for the couple to last because, without it, the relationship may not survive the passage of time. Passion and intimacy, without commitment, can be found in relationships as intense as summer loves, very romantic and also very brief love affairs.
Fortunately for those who find themselves immersed in a relationship with empty love, there is a solution to this problem It is possible to work on several areas of the couple so that the empty love becomes a consummated one, recovering the lost passion and intimacy. To do this, first of all, it is necessary to address those areas that usually lead to empty love, which are.
Abandonment of physical appearance that makes the partner less attractive
Excess obligations, routines and commitments that take time away from the relationship
Little self-disclosure: not confiding concerns, dreams, desires to your partner…
Monotonous and repetitive couple life that takes away the passion
Stress and anxiety leading to irritability and toxic dynamics
Taking the relationship for granted and not making an effort to surprise your partner
Neglecting details and daily displays of affection
These are the main problems that may have led a relationship to become one where what defines it is empty love As you can see from these areas that we have just seen, most have a relatively easy solution, requiring a little effort, time and motivation to change them. Surprising the couple with a romantic date on their wedding anniversary, for their birthday, or simply because it’s time is a good first step. And it is never too late to take such a step.
