Many times it is normal for us to feel overwhelmed when trying to mediate between family members who have had an argument
And much more so when we try to help our family if they are going through a bad time and everyone comes to us to put us in charge of that situation, forcing us to give them a master response that solves the situation (and that they also like and with the that they feel that they obtain the maximum benefit from it).
I want you to stop and think about How until now you have helped your brother, your mother, or the relative in question who has demanded (not asked, mind you) that you solve his bondage so that his life can be better, or even worse, when two relatives have put you in the middle of the hurricane so that you can help them fix a problem that between them two has passed.
Look closely, at that moment you are putting on the badge of county sheriff, and you are taking on maximum responsibility for the problem that occurs. To do this, first of all I want you to pay attention to several aspects.
1. One thing is the duty to help a family member and another is misunderstood help.
It seems very good to me that if your brother is looking for a car you can give him some advice about stores to go to (this would be your duty to help), but you would be giving misunderstood help if you told him what brand and model to buy. The key here would be to give the tool for the other to achieve happiness ; Do not try to give her what you believe is her happiness, since you would be getting ahead of her emotions and imposing yours, and when this happens we fall into arguments.
2. Time tunnel
I ask you to be cautious with the sensations you feel and to stop and think about what happens to you when faced with those toxic emotions when they are occurring. Stop them right there so as not to go through bad processes and enter that tunnel that begins with a simple discomfort and ends up leading you to martyr yourself for, supposedly, being a bad family member. STOP, don’t go there.
3. The tyranny of the shoulds
Wanna that you change the “should” to “I would like” For example, replace “my sister should have called me” with “I wish my sister had called me.” That will help you rationalize everything better.
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4. You have your rights
You have the right to your free time you have the right to disconnect from WhatsApp, you have the right, in short, to your personal space.
The importance of setting limits
It is also important that you set limits so as not to exceed them First of all, you have to know that from so many times that you have had bad contact with them, you already think that all the times they call you are going to be due to negative things, so you are going to be with a loaded gun. I propose these key points to you.
1. I don’t have to return a call at the exact moment they called me
For example, It is recommended that you adopt this mentality: “if I’m driving and they call me, I’ll finish driving and call them” (do not confuse this with special situations such as a family member’s operation or other health issues, please).
2. Not always when they contact you is to express something bad
You have to understand that on many occasions a simple call can mean a question that may arise for the other person at the moment.
3. You deserve your free time
No more going out for a walk with friends and thinking about “what are they doing” or “I’m having a good time, and they’re going to be bad.” You have to understand these thoughts as automatic, and They are little trips that your brain gives you Nothing is going to happen because one day you want to disconnect. You deserve it!
with this I mean that If you have helped a family member and you see that they continue with the same behavior, ask yourself if it is really you who should help them ; Perhaps it will be better to propose the help of another specialist or to adopt another position.
5. Calling once a day is enough
You are not obliged to always be aware. If they have a problem they know who to turn to, they have your number, and you will be happy to help them If fortunately that person is not experiencing any problems at home, do not try to find them by calling insistently.
Concluding
Obviously you have to know that there are problems in the family that need more concern than others; I don’t want you to confuse my words and think that I am telling you not to pay attention to sick family members or those with serious problems; These key ideas are simply to address those cases of emotional dependence that we sometimes create based on being aware of family members who unfortunately are a little toxic.
do I help you?
In my professional career, apart from helping patients with depression problems or problems arising from their relationship with their partner, I also dedicate myself to mediating problems that may arise in the family environment or to helping you control those negative feelings generated by dealing with they. Do not hesitate to contact me
Work adapted to current times, so our appointments can be made via video call.
