Fear Of Commitment: 10 Methods To Overcome Love Phobia
Do you start many relationships but end them hastily? Do you think you have never met the perfect person? Maybe you suffer from a fear of commitment, find out how to address it.
He fear of compromise It means the impossibility of maintaining relationships over time or deepening them, even if deep down you want to do so. People who are afraid of committing may feel very comfortable with their relationship and want to maintain it, but an irrational fear leads them to break up and move from one partner to another without stopping. They observe that the people around them stabilize and they always find themselves immersed in a temporary relationship due to their fear of having a partner.
The phobia of romantic commitment leads people who have it to feel deep emotional discomfort that can turn into stress and anxiety. This increases the closer they feel to their partner and the greater the degree of commitment, becoming gamophobia or fear of marriage The consequences of this discomfort is the appearance of negative beliefs regarding the relationship and the inability to appreciate the positive side; Feeling trapped and wanting to run away immediately is the next step. Generally, after experiencing these effects, there is a tendency to break up. Confirm that you suffer from this fear of compromise analyzing its origin and the causes that cause it are the first phases to find a remedy.
When the fear of intimacy arises, doubts begin to grow and look for “flaws” in the couple. In a way, the lack of strategies and knowledge about oneself causes one to seek justification for one’s own insecurity and fears. As one is not prepared to assume and address the shortcomings that one has, one looks for failures in the other that will alleviate the discomfort generated and thus verify that the cause of the confusion is that the other person is not the right one. In the end, they will seek to break the relationship to regain stability and escape from lack of control. For this reason, we speak of fear of relationships or more specifically, the fear of having a partner.
This process of searching for a partner and refusing to commit will be repeated continuously with different partners until the person assumes that they have to address their limitations. The cycle will be broken when the person is honest with themselves, faces their true needs and takes the risk of commitment. He fear of commitment or lack of love It can cause a series of problems beyond the person who suffers from it because in many cases others are harmed with this type of behavior.
Why am I afraid of commitment?
The causes of not wanting to commit in a stable relationship, they range from how the relationship with parents and caregivers was experienced in childhood to bad experiences in previous relationships. The fear of failure or vulnerability, the demand for individuality or not wanting to get emotionally involved are some of the other reasons for this fear.
Attachment theory: He fear of compromise Many times it comes from the relationship that was established as children between the main caregivers and the children. This leads them to not know how to love in adult life, to be more insecure and to have lower capacities for emotional attachment and to normalize your feelings and emotions. From this fact, lower Emotional Intelligence and poor management of difficulties develop.
Trauma from past relationships: Another possibility is that in the past you have had relationships in which you suffered a lot and you promise yourself that the same thing will not happen to you again since you will not be so emotionally involved so as not to allow yourself to be hurt. So much so that trauma is one of the most common reasons why a person has fear of a relationship
Little emotional maturity: There are some experts who claim that this fear of compromise It is increasingly common given that adolescence is a stage that currently begins earlier and ends later. Many times there is a conflict between relationships with friends or individuality and love.
Peter Pan Syndrome: In many cases, there is a belief that having a partner will make you lose a part of yourself and that can be scary. And there appears the fear of commitment since people who suffer from it tend to be independent people with very clear things, often perfectionists and demanding of themselves and others but lacking emotional maturity and with a great Peter Pan syndrome.
There are many women and men afraid of commitment. Because of this, sometimes people do not seek professional help because they believe that their fear of love or fear of a relationship is something completely natural. The reality is that the love phobia It can have many repercussions on our lives, therefore, it is essential to treat the origin of this terror.
Symptoms of this fear
The symptoms of fear of commitment They can be many and very varied. In fact, each person has been able to receive different inputs throughout his life that have made him develop it both in relationships and in other aspects of his life. Many people flee from what they believe binds them and go from one experience to another without even thinking about it. We highlight the most common forms of fear of commitment in the case of romantic relationships.
They only enjoy falling in love: Many of the people who have fear of compromise They suffer it because they enjoy the stage of falling in love and when it ends, the relationship bores them or they lose interest in it. They are people who are in love with falling in love and seduction but are not able to enjoy the love and stability that comes after.
They are too independent: Other times it appears fear of losing freedom or the feeling of autonomy and independence and even our essence. Many times people feel tied just by having a partner, even though the relationship allows individuality, and they are afraid that the relationship will change them as a person.
They cannot leave the comfort zone: There are people with commitment phobia who fear leaving their comfort zone. Entering into unfamiliar territory makes them feel insecure and they prefer to return to what they already know to avoid vulnerability. In general, these people are sometimes also not very permeable to changes. That is why people who do not go out of their usual habits usually have the so-called love phobia
Fear of emotional dependence: At other times the fear of commitment comes from the fear of emotional dependence or to need someone to be well. Thinking that this could happen makes them lose some of their self-esteem, it is as if by loving another person they become weaker or incomplete beings.
Fear to fail: On the other hand, the fear of commitment It can be an anticipation of oneself. The fear of failure can lead a person to anticipate: If I break up before falling in love, I make sure that it will not be a failure because I will not have bet all my cards and it will also be something that I have decided and not someone else. This way they avoid the uncertainty of what will happen.
Lack of communication: There are people who develop fear of committing because they cannot stand the conflicts derived from a relationship, they do not know how to deal with the problems and these generate such stress and anxiety that they prefer to be alone rather than commit to anyone.
Regarding this last point, a study published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology In 2015, he highlighted that people with high problem avoidance are just as happy being single as they are in a relationship, since when they break up their relationships they feel freed from those pressures that distress them.
The first step, as in all problems, is to accept it: realize that you are running away from stable relationships, not because you have not been lucky but because you avoid commitment. This first phase is the most important since it will give rise to the motivation for change. After that, it is necessary to follow some other steps that will lead you to improve your conception of relationships and how you operate in them.
Discover the pattern: Find out what pattern you follow in your relationships before developing the fear of having a partner. Examine yourself, see what happens and At what point does the fear of commitment appear? or you start doing things that go against the relationship moving forward. That is where you have to ask yourself the following questions and reflections: what do I want? Does what I am doing allow me to achieve it? What am I afraid will happen? And above all: what can I do differently? Go beyond the generic “I’m afraid to commit” and specify the problem as much as possible, from what commitment means to you, what you expect from it, the details that imply that you are worried or how you would like to live it so that it is not so overwhelming. Putting your answers in writing will help you see all of these issues more clearly.
Don’t be afraid of error: Many times the fear of error leads you to not even try. Start thinking that if you don’t try you are already making a mistake because you are not experimenting. Dare to be wrong, if you don’t try it you won’t know what to do or how to solve it. In everyday life we operate based on trial and error to learn since theory alone is not enough. Experience the situations even the ones that scare us the most, is necessary to gain resources to face possible problems and function better in future relationships, whether romantic, friendship or family.
Question your beliefs: Sometimes that fear of compromise is completely disproportionate or based on a previous judgment without real evidence. Just because you have been hurt in the past does not mean that all people are the same, perhaps that person you are meeting is the opportunity to have a very good relationship and you are wasting it because you are judging them without knowing. Sometimes fears take us down paths that go straight to the precipice.
Be more open: Open your mind and enjoy what is coming. That does not mean that you do not analyze yourself and that you do not analyze how the relationship evolves to know if it is what you want or not, but do not let worries invade you and indecision or fear block you, the best option is to let yourself go. . Leave your comfort zone behind to face your fear of commitment. This will not only prevent you from stable relationship but you will also gain many experiences and vitality for your life.
Trust others: Avoid individualism and learn to trust the other people around you and, above all, your partner. Not everything in this life can be done by and for you. Sometimes we need other people and that does not make us lose our essence, you will continue to be you even if you are accompanied by someone by your side. Having a relationship is not equivalent to stopping being yourself, you simply accept someone in your life and adapt, but always to the extent that you choose. Make your beliefs and attitudes more flexible and enjoy the company. By learning to trust others you will go from fear to love much more easily.
Leave perfectionism behind: If you see that you end up breaking up a relationship over insignificant details, it is important that you consider if you are being too demanding or if you only pay attention to the negative elements and not the positive ones. Maybe that person fulfills you in many ways but you have to accept that that person may have defects, in the same way that you also have them. If after thinking about them and making a list of all of them you discover that they are not too important defects for you, then go ahead and commit to continuing to grow together.
Express your emotions and fears: Instead of cutting corners, express to your friends and/or what is happening to you and listen to their different views and advice on the subject. They may not help you make a decision, but putting it into words will help you be more aware of what is happening to you. Furthermore, to face the commitment phobia It is also vital to talk to your partner about your fears. Openly raise your fear of commitment and the difficulty of taking another step in the relationship. It may help you resolve it, find agreements that relax your worries and create a climate of trust that enriches both of you. If all of this does not happen, at least you will give the person the opportunity to better know and understand your certain behaviors in the situation.
Ask for professional help: If you can’t solve it yourself, ask for professional help. If you want to have a partner but you can’t because you don’t allow it and you can’t trust or overcome your barriers, the psychological help Is the best option. If you want to face the fear of commitment with your partner because you believe that you can reach agreements between the two of you, the couple therapy can help you face this situation with communication, mediation and new resources that create a relationship that is more in line with what you both want and that avoids dissatisfaction. If, on the other hand, you want to face your deepest fears alone, the cognitive behavioral therapy It will guide you to analyze your thoughts to improve your emotions and behaviors. This type of therapy tries to modify the thoughts that cause suffering so that the patient interprets what is happening to them in a different way and can also act in a different way.
Learn coping strategies: It is essential to learn to cope with fear of marriage or commitment using new coping strategies, since avoidance does not solve the problem. Through small tactics, you will be able to stop being afraid of a stable relationship since you will know the reasons why these types of thoughts come to you and you will be able to stop them by rationalizing these emotions.
Develop self-confidence: Self-confidence must be a path that begins with a positive recognition of the abilities and difficulties that one possesses. Valuing yourself more will strengthen security in the actions and decisions you make. To overcome the fear of compromise It is very necessary to start from both good self-esteem and a solid base of self-confidence.
He fear It is an emotion that appears when a situation of threat and danger is perceived. So it is an adaptive emotion that helps us survive. However, when it arises in the face of pleasurable experiences that bring happiness, we are faced with an irrational fear that can cause a lot of dissatisfaction and frustration if we do not try to face and combat it. So, if this is your case and you feel that you need help, do not hesitate to contact a professional.
