The psychology of personal relationships is one of the most confusing facets of our behavior For example, it is the case that people who learn to fully enjoy each other’s company suddenly become distant.
Not because one of their personalities changed overnight, or because of something someone said or did; simply, because of something called fear of commitment.
This fear about the future is one of the types of fear that is not produced by a type of animal or by a situation that endangers physical integrity, but rather has to do with the anguish produced by the anticipation of an experience. Unwanted.
The fear of commitment is the more or less irrational fear of a situation that has not occurred and that has to do withn limit one’s own freedom as a sacrifice to make to form a bond with another person
Many times we link the fear of commitment to the world of relationships, but it can really appear in any situation in which the possibility of being tied up in a formal or informal relationship that demands too much of us appears.
The fundamental belief on which this state of mind is based is relatively simple: being able to choose between several options, even if this implies instability, is preferable to making a pact or commitment that limits our freedom of movement.
However, The fear of commitment can be understood by addressing the different pillars on which it is based. They are the following
1. A marked individualism
The way of thinking of people prone to fear of commitment is basically individualistic, in the most neutral possible sense of the word. They do not have to be selfish or self-centered; They simply value individual needs first, and not so much collective needs. That is why they will hardly show enthusiasm and own initiative for a joint project that is just beginning ; In any case they will stare with curiosity.
The same thing happens with relationships; The fear of commitment means that the possibility of having a romantic relationship is interpreted, among other things, as a way of diluting one’s identity and sacrificing time and effort. The couple is not thought of as a unit, but as the sum of two parts.
2. Pessimism when evaluating the future
People who show a fear of constant and systematic commitment tend to believe that each of the future options that stretch before their eyes is destined to be a bad experience in which the costs and sacrifices that must be made will not be compensated by the advantages. The problem is not so much that a specific commitment is accepted, but rather that it is rejected in advance to embrace any commitment that limits one’s own freedom in the future
3. Dichotomous thinking
People with a fear of commitment see decisions that have to do with reciprocity and agreements as a matter of all or nothing: either it fits into a framework of relationships that the other person imposes on us, or it is not accepted There is hardly any thought about the possibility of negotiating where each person’s responsibilities and obligations begin and where they end, and it does not even cross one’s mind that this commitment can be adapted to one’s own needs.
That is why, sometimes, running away when a hint of commitment appears in the future causes confusion and discomfort, if not damage to one’s own self-esteem. Many times it is understood that it has not been this fictitious idea of ​​what commitment entails that has produced fear in the other, but oneself, the person’s own characteristics.
What to do when faced with this type of fear?
In the world of business and formal relationships, the fear of commitment can be reasonably founded if it occurs punctually ; After all, it may be a sign that the deal offered was simply good. What is worrying is that the fear of commitment extends to all facets of life, including love and emotional life, and in a systematic and constant way for a long time.
In these cases, couples therapy can be a highly advisable solution, since through mediation it is possible to reach very interesting agreements and, at the same time, modify the person’s belief schemes so that they do not have so many prejudices about what they want. It means assuming that commitment.
Other interesting options are Cognitive Behavioral Therapies, aimed at helping the person modify their own way of thinking in favor of a more adaptive one. This usually means, among other things, adopting a less individualistic mentality, one that is capable of valuing those experiences that can only be lived intensely if they are understood as the product of two people who establish a relationship whose product is more than the sum of their components.
