Fear Of Loneliness, Rejection And Abandonment: Causes And Stable Solutions
Human beings are social and emotional, so building intimate bonds is part of our nature. For this reason, the fear of being alone, as well as rejection, is one of the most common emotional difficulties we feel. In this digital world with so many possibilities to connect, this fear, instead of decreasing, has increased even more. What is the cause of the fear of being alone? How can we solve it?
The fear of being alone is linked to various emotional states: fear, insecurity, as well as anxiety and discouragement. Over time, feeling this fear of loneliness, rejection or abandonment can lead us to discouragement or demotivation, as if we were not clear about our identity. In turn, feeling this affective or emotional dependence on others (whether a partner or not) with the purpose of avoiding this feeling of loneliness also affects our self-esteem.
However, these sensations do not have to last forever. In this article we are going to delve into what these types of fears consist of, since the fear of being alone, of rejection or abandonment have common causes.. Let’s see what are the three causes that lead us to this problem (which we can trace back many years). Finally, we will see how it is resolved in a stable way in a process of change or therapy.
Although we believe that fears of loneliness, abandonment or rejection are different, they are actually quite similar. In all three cases it is the fear of feeling isolated, of not being able to establish deep relationships. Behind this is a feeling of anguish in the relationship with oneself..
There are three very common consequences. The first is to feel an affective or emotional dependence on your partner. This leads us to a constant search for the partner with the need to validate the relationship. This type of relationship wears out and generates greater fear and insecurity (since we react to it).
Another consequence is adapting too much to others. Out of fear of rejection, we seek to adapt to others, thus losing part of our identity and own decisions. Finally, a common consequence is the need to always have a partner, since we consider this experience to be the source of our well-being. This leads us to not build realistic relationships, but rather based on that need to escape.
These types of fears are undoubtedly a psychological and emotional difficulty that over time causes us greater discomfort. What are your causes?
The 3 causes of fear of loneliness, rejection and abandonment
It is common for us to think that the causes of this type of fear are linked to childhood. Development with unstable bonds, lack of attention or other types of more serious problems can cause this focus in adult life. However, focusing on what happened in the past is usually not a stable solution. The solution is to focus on what happens now and how you manage it.
There are three fundamental causes that are repeated in this type of fear. Before continuing, I leave you a video where I personally explain the content of this article. You can continue reading below.
Dependent self-esteem
Dependent self-esteem refers to when your well-being does not depend mainly on you (your decisions, routines, goals) but on factors that you cannot control (such as the behavior of others, what you interpret about others, etc.). This leads us to seek approval, be on alert, and feel more vulnerable..
Overprotection in childhood or the absence of affection in early stages can be causes, although it can also happen due to other experiences in our adult life.
Management of emotions (anxiety, demotivation and discouragement)
The fear of rejection, loneliness or abandonment is more a problem of emotion management than of self-esteem (since self-esteem depends on these emotions). If we have learned to manage these emotions in a dysfunctional way, more anxiety arises and, over time, demotivation and discouragement.
Relationship Focus
If our way of seeing relationships is as that only opportunity to feel good, we will see them in a more vulnerable, anxious and dependent way.
Stable solutions to the fear of loneliness, rejection or abandonment
The causes of the fear of being alone, abandonment or rejection then have a basis in the present. Our childhood or past experiences may have been a start to learning to feel this way, but the key is how we have maintained that learning through our own behaviors. The good news is that these feelings can be overcome through a process of change and therapy..
We are going to review the most important factors to achieve this.
Discover how we now manage what we feel
To solve this problem in a stable way, occasional sessions (where we feel little accompanied) or magical remedies are not useful. The key is to do deep and practical therapeutic work with yourself. The first step would be to discover how you now understand and manage the emotions that are behind those sensations.
Fear, insecurity, as well as discouragement, guilt or anxiety are common moods.. When we discover how you manage it through your behaviors, communication, interpretations, ideas, etc., we can solve it in a stable way. Each case is unique, and for this reason general remedies (or self-help books do not work).
In a process of change and therapy we always work from individuality. What happens to you is unique and we solve it through your own personal change and learning.
Reduce the intensity of anxiety
Anxiety is an unpleasant state of mind linked to dysfunctional breathing. (hence we feel the unpleasant sensation in the chest or pit of the stomach). We must first reduce this sensation through complete breathing, working with anticipation, technological addiction (if it exists), etc.
Once we know where the problem is, we begin to solve it by managing those emotions differently. It is not about stopping feeling afraid, but about making it fair and necessary, and that instead of so much fear and insecurity there is more acceptance, security and trust.
Build functional self-esteem
It is also important to learn to build self-esteem that works for you in a stable way. This is not about “raising” self-esteem (something fragile over time), but in discovering how you relate to yourself and how to make your well-being depend mainly on you.
Design an action plan
To change what happens to you, not only desires or discovery are useful, but also different actions that lead you to the change you need. For this reason we need an action plan that works for you (always personal and very intimate) where we work on all parts of your personality: your belief system, your self-esteem, your emotions, your communication, way of relating, etc.
Company and constant support
Finally, in this type of problem it is important to have constant company instead of just occasional sessions. This way we can face your difficulties on the same day. This way you feel more company and support and we can go deeper into what is happening to you.
In a process of change and therapy (you can find how to get started in my Psychology and Mind profile) you have constant company, every day and with no consultation limit, in addition to weekly tools and sessions. The goal is for you to be able to overcome this difficulty 100% and in a stable way.
