Fear Of Rejection And Abandonment: What It Really Means And How To Manage It
One of the most frequent fears we feel today is abandonment and rejection, two similar sensations that feed off each other.. Feeling rejection, a sensation similar to frustration, leads us towards a feeling of abandonment where we immerse ourselves further in feelings of loneliness, discouragement and emptiness.
These fears often occur frequently in couple experiences, but they also occur in family, social or friendly contexts. It also occurs when We feel the need to bond with someone and that experience seems to escape us or is denied.
What is the origin of the problem? Is the problem really in what happens, or in how we understand and manage it?
Understanding the fear of abandonment and rejection
One of the most common problems when it comes to wanting and needing to experience a process of personal change is usually relationships, whether as a couple, social or at work. In psychological consultation it is common to work with this type of difficulties.
Although People don’t usually consider the problem at first. (they think more about insecurity, discouragement or relationship problems in general) as the process progresses we discover that these two fears are there, conditioning the relationships.
That is, it is not that these two fears are a consequence of what happens to us, but rather that the fact that they are present conditions what happens.
Sometimes this seems strange to us but it is what really happens. Do we cry because we are sad, or are we sad because we cry? Although we usually think it is the former, we actually work the other way around. It is our actions, thoughts, interpretations and previous emotions that determine what happens to us. and they lead us, again and again, to that unpleasant feeling of rejection and abandonment.
My name is Rubén Camacho, psychologist and Human Empowerment coach. For 11 years he has been accompanying people in their processes of personal change, and this difficulty is one of the most frequent. In this article we have several objectives: first, to know what the origin of these sensations really is (that is, how you understand and manage what has happened to you and is happening so that you continue to feel that way); secondly, discover what they lead you to; and, finally, learn to manage it to achieve the change that you deserve and need (not with magical and general keys but from your own personal change, since this is what really works, is internalized and serves you forever). Let’s go there!
It may seem obvious, but… What does fear of rejection and abandonment mean?
The fear of rejection is not only the fear that others will reject us, but the fear that your well-being, your self-concept, and your own self-esteem will be damaged due to the behaviors of others. That is to say: your well-being depends on what you cannot control. In this case, it depends on what we interpret as a rejection. You may feel and think that rejection actually occurs, but here it is positive that we also consider what exactly rejection is.
Human beings naturally reject. We are beings with a limited capacity to process information. We are constantly accepting and rejecting. Sometimes, we may refuse to even be with our loved ones or face a certain conversation or activity.
However, we are able to understand this in a relationship based on trust. When a relationship is based on insecurity, either because it is not built or because there is fragility, it is common to feel that the other rejects us precisely because we are observing that rejection, waiting to interpret any behavior of the other to understand it as a rejection.
Try to imagine that you are very afraid of dogs. What do you do when you see a dog on the street? You immediately cross the sidewalk. So is the dog dangerous? When you cross the sidewalk you feel safer but you validate the idea that the dog was a danger, since getting away from it makes you feel more at peace.
In the same way, the fact that we are afraid of rejection causes us to interpret what happens as a future possibility of danger. In turn, this conditions our behaviors, which can generate conflicts in relationships.
In relation to the fear of abandonment, it is usually a consequence of the fear of rejection. If rejection is experienced through frustration or anxiety, abandonment leads us to a feeling of emptiness, helplessness or discouragement. Abandonment is a void because we feel that we do not connect or bond with the people we need. In turn, this sensation is based on the way in which we have learned to build our relationships or attachment bonds: whether from trust or from insecurity.
In both cases the conflict is the same: that your well-being depends on external factors, which you cannot control. This is what makes your self-esteem not work, since depending on something external makes us feel anxiety and a constant feeling of loss. When our well-being depends too much on external factors, it is usually due to attitudes such as demands, comparisons, expectations, sensations that come from fear and insecurity.
The meaning of fear of rejection and abandonment is the consequence of believing that we can live without ties, which distresses us. Human beings need bonds, to live relationships and experiences with others. However, these fears do not inform us about a real danger (a human being who lives with well-being and confidence does not have difficulties experiencing quality bonds, although there are also conflicts) but they condition us excessively for not having learned to understand and manage them. .
The consequences of fear of abandonment and rejection
In the same way that the fear of the dog leads us to cross the sidewalk, the fear of abandonment and rejection leads us precisely not to live our relationships from trust, but to live them from alertness, distrust, insecurity and anxiety. .
We try to control relationships or, on the contrary, we do not allow ourselves the experience of connecting emotionally. (for fear of possible rejection from the other).
Living too long according to these emotions demotivates us and makes us feel that there is a neglected part of us. At the same time, it is often the case that we either pour our energies into another aspect of our life (work, projects) or, on the contrary, we focus too much on relationships and live them too intensely.
Insecurity, fear and anxiety, over time, cause us intrusive thoughts, fatigue, sleeping or eating problems, muscle stress, and a constant feeling of exhaustion and stress. However, as we talked, the problem is not in those emotions… but in how you understand and manage them.
The solution is in your own personal change
Trying to solve the fear of abandonment and rejection with magic keys is like trying to make a cooking recipe through an Instagram video. Every cooker, pan and ingredient is different. In your case, it is about understanding first of all how you approach your relationships, where you build them from, and above all how you have learned to generate attachment bonds.
It is true that we cannot go to the past and change all this, but it is true that what you feel now is a result of what you usually do frequently.
Working comprehensively on you, from your emotions, actions, interpretations and relationship styleit is possible to go deeper into what you believe about yourself and the relationship and build a style of self-esteem where your well-being depends mainly on you.
When we achieve this, it does not mean that conflicts disappear, but rather that they do not weigh us down as much, we know how to understand situations with more perspective and we can feel more well-being and fulfillment. Since your own change, your links also change.
However, it is important to work with a complete personal change, taking care of both your belief system and style of self-esteem, communication and relationships, and above all actions (nothing changes if we do not do something different). The key aspect to improving this problem is learning to understand and manage your emotions, not only the fear of rejection and abandonment, but all the related emotions (fear, insecurity, anguish, discouragement, frustration, guilt, etc.).
Human beings are emotional beings and each emotion has its reason for being.. The problems arise when we have not learned to manage them in a functional way.
Do you want to have psychological support and coaching?
If you want to solve this problem and experience a process of profound but also practical change, that leads you to achieve the changes you need and above all that last over time, you can visit Human Empowerment to schedule an exploratory session with me.
In that session, which we can have via Whatsapp and where you only need to be in a comfortable and private place for yourself, we can get to know each other, delve deeper into your situation, discover the origin of the problem, and above all see how I can accompany you to achieve the change you want. you deserve.
I send you lots of encouragement and remember that from your own change, everything else will change.
