Fear Of Saying What You Think: Causes, Effects, And How To Manage It
What we say and what we think are never the same. Although we are free to think whatever we want, we are not free enough to say it since social norms and our own way of understanding what is okay to say and what is not so good acts as a filter, applying self-censorship.
It is true that saying absolutely everything we think can be dangerous, both for us and for the person we are talking to, since there are things said that can be sharper than the sharpest of knives.
However, it is true that our concept of what we should not say is too demanding, preventing us from showing ourselves to others as we really are, that is, the fear of saying what you think a fear that we are going to delve into and see what can be done next.
What we say and what we think are not the same. Our mind is a place where freedom of opinion prevails, a kind of mental screen on which we project all kinds of thoughts, opinions, feelings, emotions and beliefs about the things that happen to us in our daily lives or related to some significant field of thought. our existence. Our mind is free to think whatever it wants, even if they are harmful and toxic thoughts in relation to other people.
However, Not everything that is projected in that cinema of our mind goes outside What we say and what we think can be compared to an iceberg: the tip, above sea level, is what we say, while the entire psychological process behind it, all our cogitations, is the part that is submerged. And thank goodness it’s submerged because, sometimes, there are things that are better to hide.
We all keep quiet about many things we think. We have grown up in a sociocultural environment in which the consensus is established that not everything can be said, mostly because it can be annoying or even offensive to other people, even if we mean what we have said sincerely and innocently. For this reason we censor ourselves on more than one occasion, prioritizing preserving our social relationships rather than letting off steam by saying everything we think.
However, This self-censorship can be so strong, so intense that it really causes us a lot of discomfort This discomfort is caused by the fear of speaking your mind, fear of trusting others’ thoughts and worldviews that you believe could be misinterpreted, seen as unhelpful information to others, or you are even afraid that others will be offended. or they consider you a less valid person.
There can be many causes behind the fear of saying what you think, including lack of self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. However, the lack of assertiveness is probably the most influential factor in the appearance of this peculiar fear, having a very strong relationship. The more assertive you are, in principle, the less afraid you are of expressing yourself freely
We cannot talk about this ability without mentioning the pioneering work of the American psychologist Andrew Salter, who is credited with having described what assertiveness is in the 1940s and 1960s. Salter understood it as the ability to express opinions and personal desires, that is, making known what one feels and thinks, but it also implies defending our rights in a respectful, honest and sincere way.
According to what he observed in his research, Salter concluded that practically everyone could be assertive, what really happens is that we do not manifest this capacity in all situations This implies that, in addition to having a certain natural ability to be assertive, those people who have rather little can put it into practice, even if they are a very shy and introverted person. There is always the possibility of perfecting our communication and social skills.
Why are we afraid to say what we think? Common causes
There are several explanations that we can find behind the fear of saying what we think. Among the most common we can highlight the following:
1. Fear of rejection
Many times we keep things quiet for fear of social rejection. This type of fear is fueled by different thoughts and unfounded beliefs such as the fear that, if we say something, others will not like it and will stop interacting with us, they will feel offended or because they will take us for people with strange ideas.
It has been found that this fear of rejection could have a physiological explanation A study from the University of Michigan discovered that social rejection causes the human body to create the same chemicals as when suffering a physical blow. That is, being rejected by others hurts us as much as if they had attacked us.
The problem with this fear of rejection is that It can become so intense that we keep many things to ourselves, so many that our internal “I” and the “I” that we expose to others will be very different We will have opinions, perceptions, feelings and emotions that are genuinely ours, but in order to please others we will expose totally different, artificial ones, which although we will believe that they bring us closer to others, will cause us deep unhappiness.
It usually happens that we give a rather low value to many of the things we think about They may be things without much meaning, ideas and opinions that are projected in our minds and that we believe do not contribute anything interesting to the outside world, and that is why we do not say them. It may also be because we believe that nothing that comes from us can be important, this being a sign of lack of self-esteem and little self-confidence.
3. Thinking that we are going to make a fool of ourselves
Another reason for the fear of saying what you think has to do with the fear of making a fool of yourself. Actually, this perception has an adaptive function, since making sure that we do not say something and screw up can mean avoiding a lot of psychological discomfort, in addition to the potential possibility of saying or doing something that others do not like and that means losing us. social support.
However, This fear of making a fool of ourselves can become so intense that it prevents us from doing practically anything We don’t want to go through the pain of suffering, but we think that we can suffer for practically anything we say and do, and it is at that point that the fear of making a fool of ourselves takes on a clearly pathological and dysfunctional tone. It prevents us from being genuine, from showing ourselves who we are, and it also restricts our freedom and the living of enriching experiences.
How to overcome this fear?
Although it is a very common fear, one that we have all experienced and that can be experienced in such an intense way that it even gives the impression that it is insurmountable, the truth is that it can be overcome. As we have mentioned, assertiveness is a skill that has a lot to do with this particular fear and that, the more worked and developed it is, the freer we will feel to say everything we think.
One of the best ways to learn to manage and overcome the fear of saying what you think is by going to psychotherapy, that place where we will learn communication skills and develop more functional know-how every time we find ourselves in a social situation. However, we also mention some strategies that we can introduce into our daily lives to reduce this fear of saying what we think:
1. Practice with controlled situations
If the fear of saying what you think can be worked on, what better way than to do it first with situations in which you feel safe? We can tell our problem to those people with whom we have the most confidence telling them that we have chosen them to practice our assertiveness.
Because they are people we trust and we are certain that they are not going to judge us for what we are going to say, this is a very good strategy to acquire better communication skills breaking that transparent but very solid glass that is the fear of rejection and making a fool of yourself.
2. Write down what you think
It usually happens that we are in our house alone and we start saying out loud everything we think At that moment, it seems that all the ideas, opinions, thoughts in general that are stored deep in our minds come to us. Returning to the metaphor of the iceberg, it is as if being alone this piece of ice was exposed in its entirety above sea level.
However, when we have to face a real social situation, with another person of flesh and blood, even if we want to say everything we want to say, it doesn’t come to mind Ideas begin to lose connection, they become intertwined, they appear chaotically and it frustrates us a lot.
To avoid this situation that clearly does not work in our favor, it is advisable that in those moments of fluid soliloquies we write down on paper everything that comes to us, make an outline.
It certainly sounds like we were in high school again, making notes on the syllabus, except that the syllabus is the content of our own mind. By writing down what we think we will create a very useful cheat sheet that will help us maintain serenity and coherence the next time we want to be sincere.
You may be interested: “How to make an emotions diary, step by step and with examples”
3. Work on self-esteem
One of the aspects that may be behind the fear of saying what you think is, clearly, a lack of self-esteem This problem will not only manifest itself when talking to other people, but will affect all the aspects that make up our lives, which is why it is urgent to improve it.
Self-esteem does not arise from nothing, but is built with facts, with positive aspects that shape our way of being. Nobody is perfect, we all have our weaknesses but also strengths such as being a gifted athlete, a good student, a great worker… Strengths that we can discover by taking time to reflect and making a SWOT matrix.
By being aware of all the good things that make up our being, we can increase our self-esteem, make that fear of making a fool of ourselves more realistic and not permeate all the social situations that we imagine could go wrong and, furthermore, we will gain confidence in ourselves. All of this will increase our assertiveness, making us feel safer and freer to say what we did not dare to let others know.
