Forgiveness: Should I Or Should I Not Forgive The Person Who Hurt Me?
Forgiveness is one of the most important phenomena in our relationships with others. We have all wondered if that person who has hurt us, intentionally or not, deserves our sorry.
It affects us, above all, when the failure to forgive comes from people close to us, such as family, friends or partners, relationships in which the existence or not of forgiveness can significantly harm our quality of life (and that of others). Now, Does forgiving someone mean reconciling with them?
It is true that forgiveness favors reconciliation, but this is not strictly necessary. In fact, we can be in a relationship where there is no forgiveness and we have simply “forgotten” a painful fact or forgive someone with whom we no longer have a relationship. no contact. The act of forgiving itself is more of a process and occurs as time passes.
Well, scientists agree that forgiving implies that the offended person recognizes that what has been done to them is not right and although they know that the situation may not be justified and the person who has caused them harm does not deserve to be forgiven, make the decision to do it.
Gordon and Baucon (1998-2003) point out that Forgiveness does not mean having positive feelings of compassion, empathy or love towards those who have hurt us.since it can be “a selfish act” that is done towards oneself, in order to reduce the negative emotions it causes.
Furthermore, the decision to forgive does not exempt us from asking for justice and demanding what we do not believe is fair, as long as we do not act only in a vindictive manner (Casullo, 2008).
“Holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot ember with the intention of throwing it at another; you are the one that burns.”
-Buddha
Forgiveness is experienced at an individual level, there is a change in the behavior, thinking and emotions of the person who suffers it, but at the same time it can be considered interpersonal since it occurs in a specific situation and with specific roles: offender-offended.
The processes associated with forgiveness
In the last 20 years there has been a growing interest in the study of forgiveness in Psychology in order to address two processes:
Types of forgiveness
From the perspective of someone who has felt hurt in close and more everyday relationships, we can find three types of forgiveness:
These three elements jointly influence our ability to forgive and the way in which we decide to forgive.
Positions regarding forgiveness
There are three positions regarding forgiveness, which predispose us in one way or another when trying to answer the question of how to forgive. These are the following:
The top and the most widespread. Perceive forgiveness as essential for healing emotional wounds and highlight how beneficial it is for physical and mental health. It is very useful for treating feelings of anxiety and anger as well as a very effective clinical tool for people with post-traumatic stress. Values of compassion and humility are attributed to him.
The second position It has a different vision of forgiveness compared to the first. Consider that in some cases not forgiving is also beneficial, since not doing so can be harmful to the person who forgives and can put groups at risk that are in vulnerable situations, such as abuse or mistreatment. The values they hold are equity, justice and empowerment.
The third position It is at an intermediate level of the previous two. It places emphasis on the context in which forgiveness is given and therefore each situation should be evaluated.
The decision to forgive or not is up to the person who has felt offended, and can be introduced on a therapeutic level as long as the patient decides freely. Therefore, from this vision, forgiveness can be both positive and negative, depending on the context where the events occur.
Factors that influence forgiveness
In order to delve a little deeper into the world of forgiveness, the main characteristics or variables that will affect the final decision are described:
Exoneration: is an internal process in which the injured person analyzes and understands in more depth the situation that causes harm. (Hargrave & Sells, 1997).
Forgive yourself
Forgiveness can be focused on relationships with other people, but it can also be given towards oneself, that is, towards one’s self-image and self-concept. Knowing how to successfully manage self-forgiveness means being more or less successful in not being invaded by the discomfort that guilt can cause.
Ho’oponopono: a philosophy of life based on forgiveness
If you believe that you need to forgive yourself and others in order to be happy, The Hawaiian philosophy called Ho’oponopono. You can discover it by visiting this article:
