Have you ever been told these phrases in response to a complaint?: “you are crazy”, “that never happened”, “you are very sensitive”, etc.
Yes that’s how it is, They may be using gaslighting to confuse you In this article you will find a summary of what this phenomenon is and how it can serve to keep harmful relationships going.
What is Gaslighting?
“Gaslighting” is a pattern of emotional abuse in which the victim is manipulated into doubting his or her own perception, judgment, or memory This makes the person feel anxious, confused, or even depressed.
This term, which really has no translation into Spanish, comes from the classic Hollywood movie called “Gaslight”, in which a man manipulates his wife into believing she is crazy so he can steal her hidden fortune. He hides objects (paintings, jewelry) making his wife believe that she was responsible, even though she does not remember. He also dims the gaslight (there was no electricity) and makes her believe that the fire is still glowing at the same intensity as before.
Of course, this makes the protagonist feel like she is going crazy, doesn’t want to leave the house, feels anxious, and cries continuously. Her husband warns her that he will leave her relationship, and threatens to send her to a doctor for medication or seclude her. Of course, the abuser knows very well what he is doing and almost got the job done if it weren’t for an investigator who deciphers the situation and unmasks the thief.
The characteristics of this type of deception
Although this film presents us with an extreme case, This manipulation technique is used consciously or unconsciously in relationships
Let’s look at some scenarios. For example, you can say:
“When you said that you hurt me” and the abuser says “I never said that, you’re imagining it” and there he plants the seed of doubt.
It could also be done this way:
“When you did that I felt very bad,” to which the abuser responds “you are very sensitive, it was just a joke.” He tries to persuade us to believe that it was a matter of his own misperception.
Likewise, you may fight and defend yourself but still get the same words: “You’re exaggerating,” “you’re making a storm in a teacup,” or “you’re delusional,” etc. hence Instead of continuing to confront or walk away, you allow doubt to arise within you in an attempt to promote the relationship and seek the approval of your partner or family member.
This type of manipulation is very subtle but dangerous, since it leads to continuing toxic relationships, believing that there is really something wrong with us, being insecure and depending on the opinions of others. It can also distance us from our loved ones for fear that they will confront us about your relationship.
Possible effects
These are the main psychological effects of gaslighting in the medium and long term, and they lead the victim to assume that they lack the judgment to make decisions for themselves.
1. Doubts about the ability to remember well
Gaslighting makes the victim doubt the functioning of their memory since the manipulative person convinces her that she remembers things that did not happen and that she does not remember things that have not taken place either but leave the person who is trying to manipulate the other in a better place.
2. Doubts about one’s own reasoning
This leads the victim to not trust their ability to reason and make decisions, so seeks help from the judgment of others, and especially in the manipulative person, who makes him see his supposed mistakes. Therefore, the victim of this type of psychological manipulation assumes that not only does she not know how to correctly interpret what she sees or hears, but she is also not capable of drawing correct conclusions from premises.
In extreme cases, the victim assumes he has a psychological disorder that would explain their inappropriate emotional reactions, or their ways of thinking that are far from reality. This systematically makes the gaslighting victim distrust themselves and trust the other person more, even as a reaction of fear of being alone under the influence of psychopathology.
4. Lowered level of self-esteem
All of the above translates into a low level of self-esteem in general. That is, the person stops focusing on the specific supposed defects that the person manipulating them has criticized, and assumes that, in general, “it is of no use” The discomfort you feel when thinking about your “I” makes you tend towards pessimism when anticipating the extent to which you will be able to achieve anything you set your mind to, since in many cases, emotions go ahead of reason.
This, in practice, leads to the gaslighting victim adopting a submissive role in the relationship and letting the other person make all the decisions for them. This is one of the main incentives for whoever is psychologically manipulating her to continue doing so; Such asymmetry of power between the two leads to a vicious circle that is difficult to break.
How to notice gaslighting
These are 10 signs to know if we are being “Gaslighted” (information collected from psychologist Robin Stern, author of the book The gaslighting effect).
- You constantly question your ideas or actions.
- You wonder if you are too sensitive many times a day.
- You are always apologizing: to your parents, to your partner, to your boss.
- You wonder why you are not happy, if there are apparently so many good things happening in your life.
- You constantly offer excuses to your family or friends for your partner’s behavior.
- You see yourself withholding or hiding information so you don’t have to explain or make excuses to partners or friends.
- You start lying to avoid having your reality changed.
- You have a hard time making decisions, even simple ones.
- You feel like you can’t do anything right.
- You constantly wonder if you are being a good enough daughter/friend/employee/boyfriend.
What can you do?
No matter how subtle this type of manipulation is, we are not defenseless against it. There are ways to deal with this type of attack, unless there is already a strong precedent of abuse and we cannot face the situation while maintaining a minimum of serenity.
For act in cases of Gaslighting, you can follow these guidelines:
1. Trust your intuition
If you feel that something is not right, pay attention to it and examine which parts don’t fit When analyzing our own experiences, our experience counts more than that of the rest.
Furthermore, communication is not a game in which you have to make an effort to understand everything others say. In a couple, if a message has not been understood, the responsibility is often shared (as long as we have paid attention to it).
2. Don’t seek approval
Resist the temptation to convince others to obtain approval Instead, you can say, “We disagree,” or “I thought about what you told me, but it doesn’t feel true to me,” or “I hear what you’re saying, but my reality is very different from yours.” You are perfectly free to end a conversation.
This is only recommended in cases of Gaslighting, since in any other context, such as in an argument in which the other person’s arguments are solid, it can become an excuse not to admit that you are not right and, ultimately, in a tool of cognitive dissonance.
3. Remember your sovereignty over your own thoughts
Remember that emotions are neither good nor bad, and no one can tell you if what you feel is true or not. If you say “that made me feel criticized” or “I felt sad because of what you did” you are not subjecting it to debate. At the end of the day, if you feel like you’re being humiliated or psychologically harmed, only you feel that; what you experience is not up for discussion.
Don’t apologize for feeling What you should avoid is attacking, manipulating or acting in a harmful way.
4. Be aware of your values
What values do you want to be remembered for? Create a list of personal values. For example, “spend quality time with my loved ones”, “keep promises”, “be generous/compassionate”, “tell the truth”, “travel”, “keep an open mind”, “maintain spirituality”. This will help you stay focused and also know what you value in others
In a way, values act as the backbone of our behavior. No matter what happens, what others say or do or not should force us to go against them. The moment someone pressures us to violate these basic principles, we will know that they are trying to manipulate us.
5. Maintain your personal boundaries
If someone crosses them, let them know and pose a consequence For example, if they yell at you or verbally abuse you, you can say “I don’t feel comfortable with what you said, it seems disrespectful to me and I won’t let it go.” Keep firm.
If it happens again, let them know again and depending on the relationship, look for a sincere dialogue where both agree not to do it again or walk away.
If the person does not take responsibility for their faults and continues to “gaslight” you, ask yourself if you want to continue the relationship or the frequency of visits in the case of family or friends. Working on one’s own assertiveness is essential to assert one’s interests with dignity.
Another useful strategy to combat gaslighting is to ensure that we continue to have an active and diverse social life, i.e. that we interact frequently and meaningfully with people important to us In this way, we have several opinions about what happens in our lives and each point of view counteracts the others, something that helps detect manipulation attempts based on beliefs and ideas that are very different from the way of thinking and perceiving. the things of the majority.