in his book The art of LovingErich Fromm reflects on the difficulties we encounter in relationships, among other reasons because we do not consider loving as an action (an art, according to him) that requires prior learning).
We get entangled in tortuous and toxic relationships that end up causing us more pain than well-being because no one ever taught us how to behave within the couple. How to manage the whirlwind of emotions that our body generates when we fall in love how to give space to the other person when what we want most is to be by their side 24 hours a day, how to manage the fear of breakup or deception… in short, how to love healthily, and not madly as It teaches us what we should do in society.
We only need to pick up a couple of random songs to realize that the messages we receive regarding love are tremendously harmful, and they advocate dependent, symbiotic and unhealthy love. If we take, for example, The Police song “Every Step You Take” and read it instead of singing it, we are likely to be diagnosed with obsessive affective disorder or branded as stalkers:
Taking into account that Hollywood movies, books or television series also encourage this pathological love, It is normal that we find ourselves involved in unhealthy behaviors of attachment and dependency that take away all the meaning of being in a relationship. We must aspire to free love, for our psychological health and that of our partner, and because the only way to be happy is to let go of fear.
Relationships move in the realm of uncertainty, and not accepting or not wanting to see this reality inevitably leads us to fear, suffering and frustration, as we try to control the uncontrollable. If we want to enjoy our loved one healthily, we have to be willing to lose them, no matter how much this thought hurts us.
emotional dependence
Emotional dependence is not “excess love” but excess fear It is an addiction in which the individual feels literally unable to live without the other (which is also well seen in our society, we have all heard phrases like “you are everything to me”, “I don’t know what I would do without you”, “without you I am nothing…”) and has all the components of any other substance addiction: urgency to “consume” our drug linked to love, withdrawal syndrome when we are without it, irritability, compulsivity, a feeling of incomprehension around us , stop doing the things we previously enjoyed to be alone with our “drug.”
According to Walter Riso, the central scheme of all attachment is emotional immaturity, understood as a “naive and intolerant perspective towards certain situations in life, generally uncomfortable or aversive.” The most important manifestations of emotional immaturity related to emotional attachment would be low thresholds of suffering, low tolerance for frustration and the illusion of permanence, that is, inability and imagining the end of the relationship. The emotionally immature person (who may be mature in other areas of his life) requires the care of his loved one just as a child does from his mother. Without her protection figure she feels lost, scared and unprotected
The first step is to be aware of loving as a verb and not as a noun, as an action and not as a feeling or thought. Love is a behavior that we carry out when we carry out actions that impact the well-being of others, when we are happy for their achievements, when we respect their motivations, when we give them space to grow.
Since we tend to be more focused on being loved than on loving, we live pending our partner’s demonstrations of love or the lack thereof. This is totally unproductive, since we cannot get into each other’s skin and behave in a way that meets our expectations. It is advisable to abandon receptive orientation and start having proactive behaviors.
Instead of complaining because our partner is not affectionate, we should be the ones to initiate the approach, instead of complaining because he is not detail-oriented, we should have some details with him. Ultimately, the best way to start receiving is to start giving
To begin to heal our relationship, we must get rid of the old patterns of pseudo-love that many of us have incorporated and that prevent us from enjoying relationships to their fullest. Go from emotional dependence to emotional autonomy.
Achieving emotional autonomy
What is sought with emotional autonomy is not indifference or coldness, but a healthy way of relating in an independent, non-possessive and non-addictive way
Autonomy promotes anti-attachment schemes and produces healthier ways of relating, in addition to greater individual well-being. Autonomous people gain more self-confidence by seeing that they do not need anyone to resolve their issues, which increases their feeling of self-efficacy and therefore their self-esteem. They become more emotionally mature and handle loneliness better, losing their fear of it.
It is worth learning to enjoy the time we spend alone as much as the time we spend with our partner, and not remain in a mummified state every time we separate from her until we see her again. Maintain the life that exists beyond the couple: one’s own space, one’s friends, one’s hobbies, one’s moments of solitude. In a relationship it is much healthier to miss than to “miss more.”
You don’t have to be weak to be loved. If the partner loves us in a healthy way, they will be willing to help us develop an independent personality, which does not mean that we love them less, but that we love them better. People who have found their calling and their own way of living life become immune to emotional dependence. The most positive thing is to focus on cultivating and caring for other areas of our lives. The key is always in balance
