Having Compassion For Yourself: How To Achieve It?
Traditionally, the term “self-compassion” has been accompanied by a certain nuance of condescension or even vulnerability, which positioned it as an undesirable attitude in the process of facing any adversity or setback.
However, in recent years a new school of thought has emerged that has rescued the fact of having compassion for oneself as a fortunate and desirable attribute, stripping it of its negative connotation.
Self-compassion is currently understood as a concept linked to emotional intelligence ; through which a privileged position is assumed over the value judgments that each of us constructs regarding how he thinks, feels and acts.
In this article we will discuss in detail the concept of self-compassion, and the benefits (in general) that can arise from its practice in everyday life.
Self-compassion is a complex concept that has aroused interest in the field of Psychology for decades, when Jon Kabat-Zinn adapted Mindfulness to relieve patients experiencing chronic pain. Shortly afterwards, self-compassion was integrated into this existential philosophy and became a matter subject to scientific study, especially since the first years of the current century.
High self-compassion can be described, in simple terms, as the decision to have compassion for oneself. In this sense, the literature on this topic has extracted three key factors: kindness, fallibility and mindfulness. Next we proceed to address them in detail.
1. Kindness
The society in which we live tends to value positively the fact of being kind to others. This includes a series of social norms of courtesy or politeness, with which we act in a prosocial way during interaction with others, encouraging us to lend our help to those who may be experiencing times of need. This attitude is rewarded in the form of recognition or admiration, and is considered an appropriate example of what should be done (for children and adults).
However, the same is not true when kindness must be directed toward ourselves. When we make a mistake we tend to act in a self-punitive and cruel way, giving ourselves bitter words that encourage an internal discourse that drags us into intense and difficult emotional experiences. It is important to remember that everything we can feel is preceded by a thought, which is why the germ of both emotion and behavior resides in it.
This way of treating ourselves is deployed, on many occasions, completely independently of the particularities of the triggering situation. Even in the event that misfortune is due to bad luck or the role of third parties, we continue to besiege ourselves with destructive terms for which we usually lack evidence. Phrases like “I am useless”, or “I am worthless”, give a good account of this.
Most people who fall into this pernicious habit recognize that they would never say those words to a friend if they were faced with an equivalent situation, and that in that case they would try to be more understanding and help them reinterpret the facts. so that it would be less cruel. This would be the most socially accepted attitude, but it can very rarely be observed when such words are directed at one’s own adversity.
Kindness consists of projecting the same affection and understanding that we dedicate to others towards ourselves, so that we can treat each other as if we were the best of our friends. This requires a reformulation of the dynamics of thought, to change harmful words into other different terms, which can have deep ties with positive affects that allow us to live better and more satisfied.
2. Fallibility
Fallibility is the ability to recognize oneself as a being that can make mistakes, susceptible to failure and/or making incorrect decisions, or that in general is simply imperfect. It’s about accepting that, sometimes, the expectations you have set for life may not be met (for different reasons). This would prevent the emergence of “shoulds”, very rigid thoughts about how things should be.
We live gripped by multiple stimuli that remind us how imperfect we are, but that force us to rebel against it. When we look through a magazine, or when we watch television, we witness perfect bodies and lives full of success. This wild exhibition, planned for purely commercial purposes, can be translated as comparative judgments in which we usually have everything to lose.
At its worst, this circumstance can lead us to consider that our problems are truly unique, and that no one else makes the mistakes that we unfortunately make. Even social networks, in which their users tend to capture the best things that happen to them (ignoring the unpleasant moments that are also part of living), contribute to the formation of this negative image about our own imperfection.
The truth, however, is that imperfection is an element common to all people. From the most popular singer to the most awarded actor, we all go through gray moments that can last for long periods of time. That is why the fact of being imperfect is a quality inherent to humanity, and that gives a peculiar value to each person’s individuality.
3. Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the third element of self-compassion, being a literal translation of Mindfulness, which refers to a meditative practice whose roots go deep into ancient monastic traditions of Buddhism. It constitutes a series of habits that are based on the contemplative life, but that add an active component to the experience of being deliberately present in the moment in which one lives.
Mindfulness implies a concrete way of facing events that suppresses judgment about them, as this often distances us from how they really are. It entails a new perspective, that of an apprentice, in which for a moment the automatisms of the mind are abandoned to delve deeper into what surrounds us, fully perceiving what things are by stripping ourselves of any attempt to label or classify them.
Likewise, mindfulness has the goal or purpose of focusing attention on what is in the present, ignoring influences from the past and expectations of the future. It implies assuming a witness mind that observes internal processes, diluting the association that links us to thought and that makes us identify with it. This is: a philosophy of life in which we abandon the tendency to believe that we are “the thought”, to adopt the role of a being “that thinks” but it is much more than that.
This concept is aimed at questioning the validity of self-punitive thoughts, observing them with a certain distance so as not to let ourselves be carried away by the emotional current in which they usually trap us. This disposition, along with the patient practice of kindness and the integration of imperfection as an inherent reality of all human beings, constitutes the key to a compassionate way of interacting with ourselves.
Beneficial effects of having self-compassion
There is great interest in the scientific literature to determine, describe, measure and quantify the benefits associated with self-compassion in terms of quality of life and reduction of discomfort. For this reason, recent years have witnessed a growing number of studies aimed at exploring these phenomena, which have extended to many domains of human knowledge: Psychology, Medicine, Education, etc.
There are programs aimed at stimulating self-compassion, which have been subjected to analysis to determine their effects. In this sense, some recent meta-analyses indicate that those who decide to embark on this therapeutic process improve their ability to discriminate the pain that emerges as a result of their negative thoughts, recognizing the way in which the absence of compassion affects their emotional life.
This recognition mobilizes a series of changes in the perception we have not only of the human being in general, but also of the individual in particular, in relation to imperfection. This type of practice involves conceiving a kinder vision of ourselves, which facilitates the processing of emotional experience and reduces the risk of suffering affective problems of clinical significance. This effect has been reproduced in people vulnerable to psychopathology.
Self-compassion also has a positive effect on health-related quality of life, a concept that includes the general well-being of the individual in relation to the way in which they perceive the functioning of their body and mind, both integrated in a social space. and culture that is its own.
Definitely, A compassionate attitude allows us to be more fair with who we are, with our imperfections and with our limitations. It also provides us with a more accurate vision of our emotional reality, allowing us to be aware of it without its intensity overwhelming us, and it allows us to use kinder language when we address ourselves. All of this results in an increase in self-esteem and a reduction in the risk of suffering psychological disorders.
Coming to adopt self-compassion as your own requires overcoming initial resistance, along with a conscious and deliberate practice of the three principles presented here.
