When couples make the decision to separate or divorce, they face a grieving process that in most cases generates emotional pain and brings with it physical and emotional discomfort.
There are divorces that are carried out with much more calm, understanding and ease than others; That depends on the type of relationship that was maintained, the years of coexistence, as well as the emotional and social resources.
What happens to children when a marriage breaks up?
Nevertheless, The purpose of this article is to focus on the figure of children On many occasions, parents, due to their own pain, avoid paying attention to the suffering of their children, and we must remember that they are defenseless and vulnerable to the decisions of adults and, above all, the last thing they want is to distance themselves from their parents. .
All children suffer when their parents divorce, some to a greater extent than others This depends on age, personality, relationship with parents, couple dynamics, and circumstances of the divorce. Typical reactions are usually: sadness, anger, worry, anxiety, sometimes they can express it verbally, on other occasions they express it through changes in their behavior.
Coping with a separation successfully
This article aims to help parents of children between five and ten years old who have a healthy relationship with their parents, but must face their parents’ divorce. In such a way that they can grow and develop as receptive, stable and flexible adults, without divorce having been an insurmountable obstacle in the construction of their personality and their social and emotional skills.
Children, between five and ten years of age, They tend to understand the concept of “divorce” more easily They assume that they will not be able to see their mother or father as often, that they will change house, sometimes school, neighborhood, and that certain types of activities will be different from now on. However, the pain that a child experiences due to the absence of their parent when the relationship has been stable and healthy is always present; No matter how much we try to explain them with many reasons, they miss and want to have the coexistence of a united home.
1. Avoid making your children feel guilty about the separation
It is important to mention that many children feel guilty about the separation of their parents , even if it is explained to them that they have no responsibility in the decision. They tend to blame themselves for a long time and even change their behavior believing that this way they can avoid separation or get their parents back together.
The most important point and from which the subsequent ones are derived is to understand, accept and act knowing that the separation focuses on the parents’ relationship; They are the ones who have decided not to continue their lives together But at no time do children, starting from a healthy relationship, have to distance themselves from their parents. For them, both parents remain essential figures in their lives and, therefore, the changes should not affect the child’s perception of their parent after the divorce.
2. Avoid speaking badly about the other parent
Unfortunately, it is very difficult for parents to make this differentiation and, consciously or unconsciously, due to the same pain or stress of separation, they hurt the child’s perception of their parent. In extreme cases, this can lead to Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).
Some stories that children mention in consultation usually refer to their parents’ speeches, which easily demonstrate the pain towards the spouse due to the separation. However, this should not affect the child. The child is vulnerable and can absorb the negative feelings of the “disappointed mom or dad.” That is why adults must focus their pain very well and not place their children in the middle of the “crossfire.” what separations sometimes become.
Next, we continue with other tips that can help adults handle divorce from a more assertive perspective and ensuring that the experience is as bearable as possible for the minors involved.
3. Love and trust when communicating the news of the divorce
Parents should focus their efforts on providing their love and trust , promoting an environment of tranquility and respect. They should allow fluid communication and let the child express her thoughts and feelings, including what she does not like.
It is important to provide our unconditional support and, above all, be sincere.. We must answer all the questions that the child expresses regarding the new changes but it is not necessary to go into details regarding marital conflicts.
As parents, we must appear confident with the decision, looking for support networks: family, friends, co-workers who are trustworthy and close to face the situation. Children can never be the “clothes of tears” for their parents
4. How to communicate the separation
It is vital that both parents are present when giving the news to their children. The role as parents is maintained and this is a very distressing moment for the child, therefore, the presence of both will offer you more security
We must explain in a concrete, simple and sincere way the decision we have made. A clear message must be transmitted that is appropriate for the age of the minor. According to your child’s personality, we must reflect on what is the fundamental idea that must be made clear.
Let’s always pay attention to body language, both ours and that of the little one , since at that moment the children are listening carefully to what we transmit to them and not only with words. Therefore, let’s make sure to use looks, gestures and hugs that play in favor of the conversation.
5. Attend and report on all matters that are necessary
We must provide the necessary information so that the child understands the changes that will occur from now on. It is very common for parents to be extremely stressed, as they must resolve a series of economic, family and legal situations derived from the divorce itself, and They tend to downplay aspects that are vital for children
These important issues for children can be the following: if they will stop seeing their friends, if they will change schools, if they will be able to play with the neighbors, if they will be able to keep their pet, in short, the child’s concerns must also be addressed, since they mostly depend on the decisions of their parents. Therefore, Before sharing the decision, you should try to have a response to this type of needs of the little ones
6. Space, time and tenderness for the child to assimilate the news
Let’s offer space for the child to process information Children process information in different ways, depending on different variables. The most important thing is to remember that they require time to assimilate (the estimated time can be two to six months in the case of parental divorce).
It is not a good idea for the child to understand the typical phrase: “this is the best decision”, because At that moment the little boy feels that his parents thought only of themselves as adults , because he does not want to be left without his father or mother, that is why it is necessary that we inform him that he has every right to be upset, disappointed, sad or worried. We can even let you know that we are sorry to put you through this, and that we are fully supportive at this time.
Like any grieving process, the child needs to place the blame on someone, either themselves or the parents. It is part of the assimilation process. That is why it is important to listen to him when he wants to talk about the topic, as a way to vent, and pay attention to his changes in mood and behavior: diet, sleep, topics of conversation, fatigue, socialization, affectivity, tastes, among others.
Sometimes children, consciously or unconsciously, They seek to try to please their parents or provide spaces that avoid separation We must be attentive to this type of behavior and, if necessary, point out that it is not a good idea. Likewise, we must be careful that they do not want to place themselves in the “position of the strong one”, because sometimes they believe that one of their parents needs them and it is their duty to help them, as mentioned at the beginning, no child should assume that role.
7. After separation: communication, space and affection
Let’s try to maintain the same routine and rearrange those spaces that evoke the person’s absence such as space on the table, the armchair in the television room or personal objects, so that they can be used in another way.
We must incorporate new activities that everyone likes: walks, visiting relatives, inviting friends home; that benefit both the child and us as parents. We must let the child know that we are happy to know that he feels happy, because many times young children feel guilty for feeling happy.
Spaces must be created to feel close to your father or mother. Let’s always offer them your support and let them know our desire to allow them to enjoy their mom or dad even if they see them less now Let him call you on the phone, write you messages, draw you a drawing, visit you at work, etc. Likewise, we agree to let the other person participate in the child’s school activities. The well-being of the child must be prioritized over possible quarrels between parents.
8. Coping with the absence of one of the parents
The reasons why adults divorce and the feelings that this entails, in most cases, are not valid enough for children to understand the absence of one of the parents. That is to say, For them, that person is extremely important and loved in their lives, regardless of the mistakes they make in their role as a couple
Consequently, we must try to keep the details and details of the separation as far as possible from the child, as well as the negative feelings that one of the spouses, or both, maintain against the other: anger, anger, disappointment, resentments, etc. Of course, we must avoid involving children in behaviors such as insults, recrimination, revenge, reproaches and victimization.
9. Seek our psychological support and not make the child responsible for it
Separation and divorce processes may require support from family, friends and even professionals , but remember that your child should not take on that task. As adults, we must seek our own help if we consider it necessary, it is undoubtedly a moment that can be painful, and for this reason we must ensure the quality of the child’s life, accommodating him and helping him face the new reality.
