How Does Sexual Desire Influence the Emotional Bond of a Couple?

Sexual desire is a very relevant factor when it comes to understanding the emotional bond that exists between two people involved in a relationship. However, sometimes, the lack of communication between both and even the lack of knowledge about sexuality makes that they experience that type of desire in a dysfunctional way, or even that they consider that they have a problem in intimate relationships even though, in reality, that problem only exists in their imagination.

For all these reasons, in this article I will talk about the link between sexual desire and the emotional bond that holds a relationship together

Table of Contents

Sexual attraction and sexual desire

Let’s start by distinguishing between sexual desire and sexual attraction

Sexual desire is, in general, the desire to have sex, and It does not have to be directed towards a specific person that makes us feel that way.

Sexual attraction, on the other hand, It is always directed towards a person and/or group of people although this does not mean that it is only a reaction to its appearance: it is conditioned by many aspects, some of them quite subtle, such as someone’s personality, their interests, etc.

On the other hand, it is true that sexual desire and sexual attraction, although they are not the same, can overlap. For example, If we expose ourselves very frequently to people we are sexually attracted to, we are more likely to feel sexual desire in other ways as well: We may feel it at very high levels at first, but as time passes it may happen that the degree of familiarity with those people makes it lower. What we must be clear about is that although both sexual attraction and sexual desire have psychosocial and biological causes, we do not have control over sexual attraction, but we do have some control over sexual desire.

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The ups and downs in sexual desire: a normal process

As with many other aspects of sexuality, the way we experience sexual desire is subject to a set of hormonal release patterns that, as we grow and mature, evolve with us Thus, we can analyze the way in which we feel sexual desire both on a “micro” (minutes or even seconds) and macro (weeks, months and years) time scale. On both scales, it is completely natural that we appreciate ups and downs in the level of sexual desire that we experience.

On the other hand, it is important to know that in most cases, from the stage of youth, sexual desire decreases, and this is neither a health problem nor something bad.

Ultimately, although today sex is not synonymous with reproduction, evolutionarily its existence is due to the emergence of a reproductive strategy that is the most common among vertebrate animals; And since we live much longer than our period of greatest fertility, it is a natural process that as we age the predisposition to feel sexual desire also declines. However, in the vast majority of cases it never disappears completely, and as we have seen, We always have a certain margin of maneuver to make the experience of sexual desire “come to us.” at one point.

In addition, it is also known that the desire to have sex with a person usually decreases as we gain familiarity with them. This is partly because when we deepen a relationship with someone, we find in that person more facets of their personality and way of being that have nothing to do with sex, and that is why their presence stops attracting us. attention mainly for what attracts us. However, familiarity alone does not make the desire to have sex with a person disappear completely.

How does sexual desire influence a relationship?

These are some of the most common ways in which experiencing sexual desire in one way or another inaffects the emotional bond of couple relationships:

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What happens if sexual desire in a relationship declines?

So… What to do if sexual desire declines as time passes in a relationship? In situations of this type, Keep these guidelines and key ideas in mind

1. Ask yourself if that is really a problem

The decrease in the predisposition to feel sexual desire does not have to be a problematic factor either for oneself or for the relationship: There is nothing that forces us to experience sexuality with the same intensity and the same number of sexual relations than in previous years, although unfortunately society gives a lot of importance to the sexual drive and success linked to youth for cultural reasons. It could only be considered a problem if this has generated an asymmetry in the couple’s relationship, which occurs when one of the people has more interest in experiencing sex than the other.

So, something as simple as asking yourself this initial question will empower you and help you not feel bad about something that is really just a product of social pressure. Furthermore, being two people, it will be easier for you not to feel alone in the face of this bombardment of images, opinions and audiovisual products in which it is assumed that everyone wants to have sex in every situation.

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2. Learn to connect with others by avoiding taboo topics

In the field of sexuality and intimate relationships, It is very important to know how to listen and be heard among other things because in such private matters it is very easy to get carried away by appearances and/or fall into hasty presuppositions.

And this way of connecting intellectually and emotionally with someone can only happen if sexuality is not treated as something taboo. Especially in a relationship, it is very important to maintain an open and prejudgmental attitude, given that for many people this is the only place where they can talk about certain fears, certain tastes, past painful sexual-affective experiences, etc. That or it means that you have to say yes to everything, but you do have to maintain an attitude of active listening and help the other person express themselves without giving in to their fears and/or insecurities.

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3. Learn alternative ways of living sexuality

It is very likely that when the decrease in sexual desire is seen as a problem, the entire person is participating in maintaining that discomfort. a series of expectations and myths around sexuality that lead to living sex in a very limited way. This is due to a heteronormative vision of what a sexual relationship is supposed to be, in which, incidentally, the focus is placed on those things that young people can do, leaving aside the experiences of older people, the homosexual and bisexual people, etc.

Therefore, you will be happy to know that once you begin to break this narrow frame of reference, it is relatively easy for you to discover new ways to awaken sexual desire, because you will surely find ways of experiencing sex that fit with our preferences, with your physical abilities, etc.

4. For everything else, go to professionals

Both from couples therapy and from sexology We can offer you very valuable tools to develop sexuality in a way that makes you feel comfortable; At the same time, we will help you establish a space for honest and direct communication that allows each party to express itself and all problems and concerns to be heard. And in the event that the decrease in sexual desire is due to a dysfunction, it will be possible to intervene: in most cases, the origin of these problems is psychological and can be overcome in a few weeks.