The fear of loneliness is a relatively common type of discomfort among people who go to psychotherapy, as well as among many others who do not consider that this problem can be treated with professional help.
It is a phenomenon in which emotions and ideas about what may happen in the future combine to form a vicious circle of fears and feelings of helplessness.
In this article we will see a summary about how the fear of loneliness arises, and what we can do to overcome it.
The first thing to be clear about is that, whenever in Psychology we talk about the causes of a certain emotional or behavioral problem, we are necessarily simplifying a very complex reality.
Of course, simplifying, in an abstract sense, is not always bad; Ultimately, practically all branches of science must simplify what they study, for example, by decomposing it into variables. The key is knowing how to detect the most relevant aspects that explain a large part of what we are trying to understand.
What are the most relevant elements when it comes to understanding how the fear of loneliness arises? Let’s see it.
1. Anxiety
First of all, it is worth highlighting the importance of anxiety as a phenomenon involved in the fear of being alone. Anxiety is a psychological and at the same time physiological state that leads us to go into “alarm mode”, that is, to react quickly to any sign of danger or risk of losing something.
Unlike simple fear, in anxiety our mind works actively leading us to imagine bad things that could happen. That is to say: Those who are anxious have their attention focused on the future, from a pessimistic bias.to try to react as soon as possible at the first sign that one of these problems begins to appear.
Thus, faced with the fear of loneliness, anxiety leads us to foresee all kinds of disastrous scenarios for our future: total lack of friends, absence of those who could protect us, etc.
2. Isolation or antisocial habits
At the same time that we feel this fear of being alone, with the passage of time we also see that this state of anxiety does not serve to solve the problem. Therefore, faced with the fear of loneliness, although it may seem paradoxical, many people adopt habits that generate a “self-fulfilling prophecy” effect: the expectations that something will happen make it more likely to occur.
This can happen in several different ways. On the one hand, some people believe they are predestined not to have relevant emotional or loving relationships, and that feeling of helplessness leads them to adopt a very solitary lifestyle, in which they try to find forms of gratification in a life characterized by isolation. social.
On the other hand, some people adopt a mentality in which others become instruments for a purpose: not to be left alone. In the long run, if there is no therapeutic support, this usually causes problems, so the relationships they may establish are not usually healthy or stable.
3. Biological predispositions
In practically any psychological phenomenon there are influences of biology. However, these do not determine anything, but rather interact with psychological and contextual elements. For example, people whose genes predispose them to suffer more anxiety are more likely to be afraid of loneliness, but this does not mean that they are condemned to always suffer from it.
Distinguishing the fear of loneliness from phobias
In most cases, the fear of loneliness does not constitute a mental alteration that can be considered a disorder. However, it is important to differentiate between two phenomena that fit into the term “fear of loneliness”, and that despite this are very different. On the one hand, there is the fear of being alone, which is diffuse in nature and manifests itself in very varied ways even in the same person, and on the other, the phobia of loneliness, which is a type of anxiety disorder.
The phobia of loneliness, or eremophobia, causes those who develop it to suffer crises in which their anxiety level rises rapidly, to the point of having difficulty controlling their own actions. Its symptoms are those of most types of phobias: tremors, sweating, dizziness or even nausea, etc. That is, it is expressed above all in specific situations for several minutes in a row.
On the other hand, the diffuse and non-phobic fear of loneliness does not have this component of sudden elevation of anxiety to a very extreme point. Of course, there is something that both types of psychological problems share: catastrophic thoughts about what will happen in the future because of the loneliness that is feared.
To do?
These are some tips to deal with the fear of loneliness that is not phobic.
1. Don’t focus on people, but on contexts
It would be a mistake to set the goal of gaining friendships with specific people to avoid the fear of loneliness; This would only lead to that instrumentalist mentality that causes problems. It is much more advisable to set goals to expose ourselves to contexts in which we are capable of developing a rich social life, in which it is easier to connect with others.
2. Take into account the balance between what is controllable and what is not controllable
By definition, we cannot fully control what happens in our social life, since many people participate in it. However, in all cases we have a certain margin of decision. Always keep in mind that even in the most adverse circumstances we can do things to improve our quality of life.
3. Keep going
Don’t give in to paralyzing helplessness; Establish a social life routine. You don’t have to consider being a very charismatic person or someone who always knows what to say and what to do in front of others; having good friendships and healthy social relationships doesn’t mean having to do all that.
4. Look further
It is not essential to feel understood and loved by those who are usually in our social environment. You can search further: for example, in groups of people with similar interests to yours.
5. Help others
Helping others is especially beneficial in cases of fear of loneliness, because it is one of the most important forms of socialization that exists, and it helps to strengthen ties.
6. Take care of yourself
Don’t close yourself in: remember that your relationship with your own body is as important or more important than your interaction with others. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t have the desire or energy to socialize.
7. If you need it, go to psychotherapy
Psychologists are trained to offer support for forms of discomfort such as fear of loneliness. If you think you need it, count on us.
