When we think about what it means to set out to be happy, it usually happens that we imagine an individual process, a path that each person must follow, making their own decisions and based on their own terms of what they want and what brings meaning to their lives. This has a grain of truth; It is clear that happiness goes hand in hand with the possibility of being autonomous and making important decisions about what we want to do in the short, medium and long term. However, in practice, this is not as individual an experience as it seems; The way we relate to the rest of society has a great influence on it.
We can see a clear example of this in the large number of people who believe they cannot be happy if they cannot stay in a relationship. This type of phenomenon not only damages the mental health of many people without a partner, but also encourages harmful relationships based on emotional dependence between those who do have a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife.
So let’s see the main keys to being happy without having a partner and really take advantage of being single without considering it simply “a stage.”
Achieving happiness without being in a relationship
Let’s look at a series of guidelines and advice to overcome these dynamics of self-sabotage and erosion of self-esteem, to be happy without having a partner.
1. Get rid of the myth of the better half
The idea that we need our “other half” It is one of those beliefs that, despite having deep roots in our culture and being very normalized, if we stop to think about it, they are totally irrational and even border on superstition, in addition to being very harmful for that reason. Assuming that there is someone “waiting for us” will make us consider being single a lost time, a limbo that we must leave behind as soon as possible and in which it is not worth focusing on anything other than finding that better half.
It is assumed that the type of love that unites us with someone in the context of a courtship or marriage, the bond based on a life project in common with someone special, is an experience that is impossible to separate from what we feel for that person. specific; We do not fall in love with abstract concepts or things we have not experienced, but with flesh and blood human beings with their own particularities that attract us intensely.
Taking that into account, and assuming that what motivates us to start and maintain a relationship is love for someone… How do you explain that many people feel a strong discomfort due to not having a partner? The answer is simple: what is behind this type of dissatisfaction is not a latent love, but something else. A combination of individual psychological elements and collective social dynamics that gives rise to personal insecurities, fears, obsessive thoughts, and in general, a situation of emotional vulnerability that must be faced and managed.
2. Detect and identify the different forms of social pressure that affect you
To a large extent, the supposed need to have a partner to be happy is based on expectations that, coming from outside, we assume are born in ourselves. For example, gender roles lead many women to believe that if they have reached a certain age they have not married and/or have not formed a family with children, they are worthless, since they have failed in their main traditional function: reproduction. and support for men in the domestic sphere.
On the other hand, the idea of what it means to be a successful person usually includes the fact of having a big house and a family to live in it, and the figure of the lonely person who is forced to share their loneliness with their pets is the representation of what it means to fail in the first leg. But these representations of the good we should aspire to and the bad we should avoid are completely arbitrary, they only continue to exist because they are not questioned enough.
Friendship should not be seen as a substitute for a relationship, or as a “shortened” version of what it means to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. It is a genuine connection between two or more people perfectly capable of providing several of the most stimulating and exciting experiences in life, but to take advantage of it, we must put aside limiting conceptions of what it means to have a friend.
Once we become aware of the irrational and unfair nature of these inertias based on tradition and “what is expected” of people to keep society functioning in the same way, we will realize that what we thought we needed is just a mirage, that what we assumed we lack is already in us.
4. Focus on the present… and make plans for the future
Although it may seem contradictory, it is perfectly possible. What it is about is not to be on the lookout for signs that you may stop being single in a short time; Accept that your reality is that of a single person and appreciate the opportunities that this way of life offers you, instead of comparing yourself with an idealized future (or with a version of yourself that does not exist and is very happy for the simple fact of be in a loving relationship). If you don’t, you will use that tendency to fantasize as an excuse not to get involved in what you really want to do and could do from the here and now.
Thus, starting from the reality that you know and that is not based on fictions, Establish personal and/or professional projects that are meaningful to you that connect with your values and interests, instead of obsessing about whether that will bring you closer or further away from the possibility of meeting someone to start a relationship with.
On the other hand, even if we do not have a partner, it is important to know that in the future that person may arrive and it is good to be open to that being the case and have an excellent predisposition to receive someone special who will join you; However, that should not lead you to adopt an attitude of constant waiting, keeping all your plans “frozen” in case your lifestyle or priorities change with the arrival of someone special.
Do you want to have psychological assistance to improve your relationships and your self-esteem?
If you want to reconcile yourself with being single and stop feeling the need to have a partner no matter what the cost, contact me.
My name is Lorena Irribarra, I am a psychologist, and I propose a training program in the management of emotions and expectations of what it means to be happy to avoid emotional dependence; all this through dynamics to reinforce self-leadership and self-esteem, Mindfulness, and if you need it, psychological therapy to intervene in your problems in greater depth.
