As a therapist, I meet every day with people who come to my consultation space seeking to heal a bond, overwhelmed by contradiction, lack of clarity, wear and tear of attachment… Tired physically, mentally and especially spiritually, wanting to let go of a bond and holding on. to an illusion that has been created with the mind, which clouds us and almost always prevents us from acting from love.
Love, to begin with, does not condition, it does not limit us, it does not ask us to renounce Human beings generally have a wrong perception of the verb to love. Since we were little we have seen and experienced that to feel loved, even by our parents, we must adapt to their expectations, we must act in one way or another to be “deserving” of the clan and to be part of it, and this is how we begin to configure a wrong perception of love.
Love is truly connected to freedom, that’s why When we establish bonds as a couple we begin to limit ourselves and the other based on a flow of expectations, fears and limiting beliefs. The question I want to start with is: are you ready for the true act of loving? If the question is “no”, then it is time to review your thoughts and order yourself in the name of love.
These are some important bases, since The relationship with oneself is essentially the key to having expansive relationships It sounds pretty obvious, but it seems like the mind often tricks us; We cannot give what we do not have and if there is no clarity in each person’s life purpose, if there is no clear sovereignty over my own Limits, if we are not consistent with our deepest intentions. So the question is: what do I have to give to others? What you give is exactly what you receive.
The role of attraction
If you have doubts about these questions, it is very possible that your relationships present difficulties, especially when physical attraction is no longer enough to sustain the bond Attraction is part of the evolutionary processes, necessary for the conservation of the species in its most primary state.
We have all experienced that release of dopamine when we feel in love and attracted to a person, that physical sensation alters our entire perception and generates on a mental level a distortion of reality ; an illusion, an alteration due to high levels of dopamine (a completely chemical and biological effect, a natural reaction of the body).
But then… What happens when after a few months or at most a couple of years, that alteration no longer appears? That it is natural that it does not do so, because in fact it is not sustainable in the body, that is when we are or are not prepared to assume healthy relationships, crossed by respect, limits, recognition, admiration and of course agreements.
Let’s go to the beginning of everything: What does it mean to be a couple? Being a couple means form an intimate and committed relationship between two people It varies from a little or no formal relationship (where there is no obvious commitment) to a formal relationship.
Being a couple consists of choosing someone so that, according to their life cycles, they build projects and plans related to their evolution, all of the above crossed by the concept of family that each culture attributes.
What do I choose when I choose a partner?
Generally Attraction appears as a prelude to that sensation that awakens desire in the sexual configuration a biological effect.
Following this, affinity appears, and it has to do with the points in common, the encounters that become more noticeable if the couples belong to a similar culture, thus the gap becomes narrower and possibly goes to have more meeting points than disagreements
Additionally, we must keep in mind that couples with healthy bonds attribute a great sense of admiration; this, together with respect, is key to the growth of the bond.
Some of the characteristics of healthy bonded couples include:
1. Open and sincere communication
Far from the noise of judgment, healthy couples communicate openly, honesty is a fundamental foundation. Those who do not honor their truth enter a very charged cycle where their own identity is deconfigured Taking care of myself and taking care of others is the prelude to the truth.
2. Mutual respect
Respect is one of the non-negotiable rules and agreements, in both ways it must be honored.
Expansive couples are a team, therefore, the loads are distributed in a harmonious way, both row to the same side and manage different situations in a coordinated way.
4. Understanding is the language of love
Listening and understanding allows couples to have more open channels understanding that the other is a universe that does not have the same needs as me, this deconstruction of the Ego is key to the harmony of the couple.
5. Mutual support
If I do not find emotional and affective support in my partner, the nature of love, which is understanding, respect and admiration, is quickly distorted.
6. Trust
It is a construction in parallel to the paths and encounters of the relationship. A relationship leads me to invest energy, the latter becomes tranquility; Trust will determine the flow of that energy, without it it is difficult to build, since fear distracts and contracts while love and trust expand.
To end…
In therapeutic practice I have seen couples flourish and write stories sustained by love, respect, and admiration. This is why I have developed a program especially for couples called: couples in Light.
In this program I summarize the bases of conciliation, the encounter of sexuality, agreements and home projects.
