How To Control Anger In Your Relationship

One of the factors that probably does the most damage to a marriage or relationship is not knowing how to control anger. The ability to properly manage your own anger, and in your relationship, can make the difference if you want to substantially improve things.

It is in our hands to develop our own anger control mechanisms, but can we do anything to influence our partner’s anger?

The answer is yes. We have mechanisms to help our partner “downshift” and place them in a more receptive state. For this the key ingredient is respect. One way to see this is to observe your own experience: You are likely to feel less anger toward someone you deeply respect than toward anyone else who is not as relevant to your life.

To start this process of how to control anger and therefore, be part of the solution to your relationship problems; The first step is to be aware of the aggressiveness and anger that exists within you. Not everyone expresses their anger in the same way, and of course there are those who let this energy escape in the form of insults, screams, even physical attacks, while there are those who turn on themselves, complaining bitterly about how unfair the situation is. life, or in the worst case, plotting “petty revenge” to feed their desire for psychological compensation.

It is important, then, to practice self-observation of anger. One help may be to create an “internal anger scale”, where we assign points to what we feel. Thus, we can assign a 1 on the scale to slight annoyance over something our partner did or said, up to a “level 10” to express our fury over a specific situation.

When we reach a point of “maximum fury” it is necessary feel how We are overwhelmed by the situation and respond automatically. Our brain has a part called the limbic system, which triggers primitive behaviors and is activated precisely when we get very angry. When this happens, the part of the brain responsible for planning and weighing risks and benefits is almost completely canceled.

Another point to advance your awareness of the anger in you is to clearly identify why you feel anger. What is the specific situation that triggers this emotion in you? What part of you suffers real and permanent damage to who you are, to the life in you? This deep reflection, based on these two questions, can have the effect of separating the event that triggered the conflict between you and yourself. Even, as happens in many cases, this may become the gateway to contemplation. However, fully identifying the cause of your anger at a deeper level has the effect of helping you control anger and the often irrational behavior that it involves remaining in that state.

Finally, it is necessary to channel that anger appropriately. It is believed that one way to release that energy is by hitting something, a piece of furniture or whatever. It’s not the best way. Many times it only worsens the aggression generated by anger. However, you can transmute that energy. A great way to do this is to go for a walk or jog, focus on a home project, etc. Ideally something that involves physical activity. Great things and actions have been created by transforming that energy.

Is it possible to do something to reduce anger in my partner?

It is perfectly possible, and for that, you need to be in balance. If you are calm, the flow of negative energy that generates anger is cut off. This happens because your partner does not perceive you as a threat at that moment.

But there is still part of that energy to transform. Part of the process requires an empathetic attitude. When you show genuine interest in your partner, you activate that longing that we all have to feel valued and recognized as a “legitimate other.” This key factor creates new bonds of trust to handle relationship problems differently.

What kind of energy do you want to give to others? How do you want the inevitable influence we exert on others to be perceived? Everything ultimately translates into respect and trust. If you become that figure who can be trusted and respected unconditionally, you will have conquered one of the keys to maintaining a healthy and meaningful relationship for both of you. Through anger, you may feel a sense of power and triumph, but this will only be momentary, and will not bring you closer to the heart of the person you love.