How To Cope With Overly Absorbent Parents As An Adult
With each life stage, come new roles, new habits and new ways of interacting with the environment and with others. It is a process of adaptation and personal improvement that we face whether we like it or not, for the simple fact of growing.
But fathers and mothers do not always adapt to the pace of development of their sons and daughters, something that is not surprising if we take into account that the first contact with their little ones occurs when the latter are totally dependent and in a relatively short time go from need help for everything to be adults.
One of the problems that may appear When parents fail to accept that their little ones have grown up, there is a tendency to be very “absorbent” and overprotective of their adult sons and daughters In this article we will see some tips on what to do in these cases.
Problems that arise when parents are overprotective of adults
These are the main signs of discomfort that appear in cases in which fathers and mothers behave in an overprotective and absorbing manner with their sons and daughters who are already adults or are beginning to enter this phase of life.
1. Lack of privacy
Privacy is a need that strongly bursts into our lives already at puberty, and that, logically, continues more in force than ever during adulthood For this reason, the simple physical presence of parents can generate discomfort in certain contexts, something facilitated by cases in which they spend many hours a day near them (something common in adults who are forced to continue living with their parents due to their economic inability to emancipate themselves, which is common in Spain, unfortunately).
There should not be many problems if the material living conditions are decent and parents know how to respect their son or daughter’s private space, but this is not always the case.
2. Feelings of shame
Shame is another psychological factor to take into account: people who see that their fathers and mothers try to be in each and every aspect of their life They may see this as a phenomenon of erosion of their dignity (or even, sometimes, as an attack on it), because there is an incongruity between the role of the adult and the treatment received. Therefore, they may try to avoid interactions with their parents when they are in the company of their friends or partner, something that is a source of stress in certain situations.
These feelings of shame They can even have the long-term effect of self-esteem problems something that happens when the son or daughter comes to believe that they actually need their parents’ help even though due to their age they should already be independent.
3. Conflicts when making decisions
Along the same lines as the above, many fathers and mothers assume that they should be advising and guiding the decision-making of their sons or daughters indefinitely. This gives rise to paradoxical situations: adults trying to lecture other adults on topics in which they objectively know less than the person they are talking to
Of course, in most cases they do not do it with malice, but at the same time they feel frustration when they perceive that their “little boy” or “little girl” does not obey reasons, because they have fully assumed that their duty is to advise at all times. and that the simple fact of having lived longer gives authority on almost any subject.
Advice for parents who are too invasive and absorbing in adulthood
If you are an adult who is upset by your parents’ absorbing, overprotective, or even seemingly intrusive attitude, follow these guidelines.
The fact that your father or mother has already gotten used to treating you this way for years is no excuse for not talking about it if it makes you feel bad On the contrary, it reveals that you have to “open that melon” as soon as possible, because if not, it will continue to entrench itself in your relationship. Showing disagreement or discomfort with the way they treat you is not bad, since if you approach the subject from a way of speaking that makes it clear that you are looking for agreements and not simply accusing or making them feel bad, it is implicit that you believe the another person capable of modifying their behavior.
Therefore, opt for assertiveness: don’t leave anything important out, but express it without resulting in an attack. The important thing is not that what you say does not bother you (this is not something you can totally control) but that the possible annoyance it may cause is not interpreted as an attack or intentional disrespect.
2. Get used to detecting the threshold of anger
All the moments in which you feel that the way your parents behave towards you are likely to be discussed with respect and seeking solutions, as we have already seen. However, It is important to learn to listen to yourself in relation to your own emotions And, in moments when we notice that we are very angry, it is best to stop arguing and let some time pass before continuing to talk about the aspect on which you must reach an agreement. Of course, be careful not to turn these “breaks” to calm down into excuses not to bring up the topic again.
3. If you see that they feel very bad, express gratitude
It may be that the fact that you ask them for space is seen as an undervaluation of the work they have done raising you Make it clear that that is not the issue, and that you appreciate the sacrifices they have made, to a greater or lesser extent, so that you can become the adult that you are.
4. Agree on some basic rules so that they respect your spaces
The establishment of these standards It will allow you to establish objective criteria to know if there is progress in your relationship, and to what extent. For example: “when I work from home, do not come into my studio during working hours.” The more specific these rules are in terms of spatio-temporal references of what not to do, the better, but don’t fill them with unnecessary details or exceptions or everything will be too complicated. Of course, try not to have more than three or four at a time or it will be impossible to adapt to all those changes in such a short time and you will end up getting frustrated and throwing in the towel.
5. If you continue to have problems, go to family therapy
Sometimes, the only effective measure is to address the issue through the form of psychological intervention designed to overcome this type of relational problems: family therapy. It is based on weekly sessions in which not only is a channel of honest communication mediated by professionals opened, but exercises are also proposed to apply new ways of managing emotions, expressing oneself to others and making it easier for them to do so as well. They express themselves in the correct way, from a constructive mentality and in which arguing is not equivalent to fighting.
Are you looking for professional psychological support?
If you are considering going to a psychologist to overcome some aspect of your life that you notice is giving you problems, whether it has to do with your management of emotions or your personal habits and relationships, Get in touch with me
I am a psychologist specialized in the cognitive-behavioral intervention model, as well as Director of the CECOPS Psychological Consulting Center, and I serve young adults, couples and families. You can count on my professional support both in face-to-face sessions (in my office in Madrid) and through online sessions by video call. On this page you will find my contact information.
