How To Create Realistic Commitments In Relationships
Commitment is a concept that refers to an aspect that can be very complicated to carry out. Commitment means making an effort, persevering and fight to do, maintain, take care of or achieve what was agreed upon, whether with oneself or with others.
Many people are scared, and avoid committing. There are those who only commit when they are really going to do it. Others commit themselves over and over again to different things and people, knowing that they will never follow through, and others, faced with adversity, will back down.
We can commit to many things, but probably one of the aspects with which this concept is most often associated is with that of emotional and couple relationships That is why in this article we are going to talk about how to establish healthy commitments in relationships.
Commit to something or someone, have and keep one’s word and loyalty in the face of an obligation. In the context of a couple, we understand commitment as the will and permanence in the situation and in the relationship, to maintain the relationship solidly until the end despite the difficulties that may arise.
Commitment implies the assumption of responsibility in the maintenance, care and future of the relationship, the development of a common project of which both members want to be part. Now, for it to be such it has to be seen as something positive and desirable, not as an imposition or something cumbersome. The existence of mutual interest is necessary and the duration of the relationship is necessary. It also requires a similar assessment of what is expected from the relationship and an acceptance of what both members of the couple want.
It is necessary to keep in mind that communication is a key element for there to be commitment with the couple: each person is a world and It is necessary that both members communicate their expectations in this regard The idea of fidelity is one of these aspects, as well as the desire to have or not have children, the distribution of roles and tasks or priorities.
Commitment is therefore a key element when it comes to having a relationship. The lack of it on the part of one or both members of the couple can lead to the relationship failing generating great suffering for both members (especially the part that is involved) or even not being formed as such beyond an affair.
Sternberg’s love triangle
The idea of commitment is something that has been considered within romantic relationships for centuries, and has been included in various theories regarding romantic attraction and the formation of couples. One of the best known theories today is the one proposed by Sternberg
For this author, there are very different types of love, which depend on the interaction between three key components: passion, intimacy and commitment.
Passion refers to the most instinctive and emotional quality, desire and need, the energetic, romantic and sexual part of the relationship. Intimacy would refer to the most sentimental and bonding part, the desire to protect and love the other person and to open and receive from each other. Finally, commitment would refer to what we mentioned moments before: the willingness to bet, maintain and remain in the relationship regardless of the difficulties.
A love without commitment could be a mere infatuation (if it is based solely on passion) or affection (if the basis is intimacy). It is possible to find romantic love in a situation with a relative lack of commitment, with passion and intimacy. If there is intimacy and commitment we would find ourselves facing a sociable love (perhaps closer to friendship), without passion and with little desire.
If there is hardly any intimacy but there is passion and commitment, we would find ourselves with a fatuous love. Finally, if there is only commitment but there is no longer any passion and intimacy, we would be faced with an empty love (a commitment, in this case, rather experienced as an imposition). The ideal of love would be consummate love, in which the three previous components would be balanced. However, it is the most complicated to achieve.
But Just because at a specific moment there is a specific type of love does not mean that it cannot change over time. Passion, intimacy and commitment can come and go, trained and developed.
How to create healthy and realistic commitments in relationships
Creating and maintaining commitment in a relationship can be more difficult than it seems. In order to try to generate and maintain it, it is advisable to take into account the importance of the following aspects.
1. Communication
As we have said before, one of the keys to there being a commitment is the fact that both express what they expect from their relationship, what they are willing to do and how far they are willing to commit. It is not about setting fixed limits, but about make it clear what can be expected from each other and if there is a willingness to get involved and maintain the relationship. Likewise, communication allows relevant problems and issues to be negotiated and not become entrenched and make it difficult to be in harmony with the couple.
2. Honesty
Along with the previous point, another of the essential elements to have and maintain a bond of commitment is honesty. We must be able to express ourselves authentically and without pretense, so that we can indicate what we want, what we are looking for and what fulfills us.
Something essential to generate a bond in which there is commitment is the fact of having a common project, elements that unite you. Just spending time together doesn’t have to generate commitment, but spend time discovering each other and the things we like about our partner strengthen the relationship and the determination to preserve it.
4. Beware of unrealistic expectations
A possible problem that can hinder the existence of a stable commitment is having unrealistic expectations about the other person or the relationship. We must keep in mind that in relationships there are also potholes and difficult moments, and that does not mean that the commitment has to be broken. Likewise, thinking that the other person has excessively high expectations of ourselves or demands too much of us can also end up weakening commitment.
The solution is, as in all cases, to communicate efficiently and fluidly. It is also possible to work on the beliefs and expectations in question.
Have your own space
Although it is necessary to be together and communicate, it is also not healthy to generate a suffocating and overwhelming bond in which everything has to be done together. It is necessary that each one have their space and time for themselves. The opposite can weaken the commitment due to excess pressure.
Work on your fears
One of the aspects that makes it difficult to maintain a commitment is being afraid of what it entails. Dealing with this fear may require overcoming traumatic personal situations (for example, previous breakups or infidelities that make it difficult to trust another person). It is also possible that there may be a lack of commitment due to fear of losing freedom, a fear that also needs to be talked about and dealt with.
