In relationships we live some of the most intense experiences of our lives. We live the experience of encounter and intimacy, but we also feel vulnerable, exposed, and our greatest fears and insecurities emerge.
when you live the experience of the break in the couple (a certain time where a distance is taken, even without any type of contact) is usually interpreted as a kind of breakup or preamble to a breakup. Breaks in the relationship usually bring anxiety, insecurity and guilt to the people who experience it (especially if you have not made the decision). Why do we feel so bad? How can we face this time and experience?
This problem is more common than we think in a psychological consultation when experiencing a process of change. On many occasions, the people I have accompanied experienced this pause with intrusive thoughts, sleeping problems, and an increasingly intense state of anxiety. However, tips or advice are of no use.
The important thing is not what happens, but how you understand, manage and cope with what happens This is the objective of this article: to go deeper within yourself to improve the situation thanks to your own personal change.
Breaks as a couple as an opportunity to meet yourself
Why is what happens in relationships so complicated?
Human beings are social and emotional beings As a couple we live a unique and crucial experience: although our well-being must depend mainly on ourselves (when it depends too much on external factors, self-esteem is highly conditioned) as a couple we cannot avoid that a large part of our well-being depends on how that flow flows. relationship.
At the beginning of a relationship, a dissolution occurs in the other, where we experience an encounter. Later, a battle of egos arises. Insecurities, fears, guilt, demands, and the need for control emerge, and breaks arise between the couple as a last strategy to continue the relationship.
These pauses are experienced with greater anxiety and all the symptoms that an anxious state implies: intrusive thoughts, searching on social networks, need for contact, difficulty sleeping, eating, etc.
In short: the relationship, instead of an encounter where we experience well-being and share an important part of our life, becomes an experience that distresses us. However, The problem is not in the relationship but in your way of understanding and managing what you feel and how you deal with it
We tend to think that going to a psychologist is a drastic decision motivated by urgency. When it happens this way (when there is already intense anxiety that makes your daily life difficult) the processes of change are difficult, but equally beautiful and transformative.
However, the best decision is to live this process preventively. Before the intensity grows, and in situations where you feel that your well-being and security is too fragile, Living a process of change will be transformative not only to solve what happens to you now, but also for your future (in relation to any situation you face: work, sentimental, personal, etc.).
By accompanying people with difficulties in their relationship breaks in processes of change, it is discovered that the main problem is not in the couple, but in the way in which we focus on that distance and in how we understand and manage what we feel.
Psychological elements involved
Let’s now see what are the main factors that influence how you approach those breaks and how to solve these situations (thanks to your own personal change).
If you want to go deeper into this difficulty in a video, I will tell you about it personally here (hit play and if you want, subscribe to receive more content).
1. Your concept of a couple
A couple’s break can be the time to rethink your concept of what a couple or relationship is to find the root of your anxiety or insecurity
If your relationship or partner is a place where you deposit part of your well-being, need for acceptance or appreciation, it will always be an external factor that you cannot control and that will generate even more insecurity. A relationship is first and foremost an experience where we share an intimate bond, but where your well-being still depends primarily on you.
If you have difficulty managing anxiety (which is felt mainly in the chest or pit of the stomach due to respiratory mechanics) You will feel every situation within the couple with more intensity and anguish
3. Fear and insecurity
In a relationship we pour part of our well-being and fear and insecurity emerge as protection mechanisms. If you have not known how to understand and manage those emotions It is likely that you try to control excessively, overprotect, or, on the contrary, isolate yourself emotionally of the relationship or partner (due to fear of loss).
4. Guilt
Guilt is a common emotion during couple breaks and is also motivated by anxiety. We think that we are responsible for the suffering of others or their disappointment and that intrusive thought It paralyzes you even more.
5. Frustration
Frustration is a low-intensity anger that arises when what has happened is not what we want. Is an unpleasant emotion that appears through a control mechanism which in turn, is another tool of fear and insecurity.
The consequences
The greatest personal difficulties that you face as a couple multiply during breaks or breakups. Intrusive thoughts, doubts, indecision, anxiety, problems eating, sleeping, resting or thinking clearly arise.
But the solution is not in the couple, in a return or in a drastic and also unreal change, but in your own personal change process What happens in relationships is nothing more than what was already happening in you, only intensified and exposed.
How to deal with periods of crisis (in the relationship or in a period of pause)
The real problem with periods of anxiety is not what we feel, but how we manage it. Feeling insecurity, fear or discouragement is sometimes natural and has a positive function. Facing periods of crisis in a positive way also starts with learning where you learn to understand and manage what you feel, value your belief system and modify it, and above all change your approach to yourself and how you conceive a relationship. This period of crisis can be an opportunity to live a process that leads you to achieve the following changes.
1. Acceptance
Acceptance implies that you are at peace with yourself because you understand that what happens, whether it is a pleasant experience or not, follows a process and is appropriate. The acceptation It leads you to establish limits, know what depends on you and what does not, give the best you have and at the same time not lose your personal self-care
2. Discover your way of bonding emotionally with the other (whether you do it dependently or not)
Relationships are not general experiences but very particular ones. Try to isolate yourself from the relationship model that you have learned (especially through the culture of over-information from superficial content on social networks) and try to get to know yourself to discover the meaning that relationships have for you
3. Learn to understand and manage anxiety
Anxiety is not a difficulty that appears only in periods of crisis, but rather it intensifies in those moments. Learning to understand and manage your anxiety and emotions helps you not only in this process but in the future. In your life experience you will always find difficulties to learn from. Learn to know yourself and manage what happens It will give you greater awareness about yourself and your decisions
4. Focus on your own learning
This is a time to focus on yourself, discover yourself, know yourself, free yourself from what blocks you and be able to give your best while being aware of your limits.
In conclusion…
The pause can be a time to focus on your own self-knowledge, knowing what you feel, how it conditions you and how you can learn to manage it to understand situations with more perspective, from calm and acceptance.
When you live these periods alone, it is common for our thoughts to condition and distress us even more. That is why company is so important: to look at the situation with perspective and experience unique learning that makes you feel better not only now but in the future, which also improves your ability to bond with others. So I make you a special invitation: in Human Empowerment you can find an option to schedule a first exploratory session with me via Whatsapp. In that session we get to know each other, we delve into your situation, we find the problem, we discover a definitive and stable solution and we see how I can accompany you in that process so that you achieve it 100%.
