One of the biggest reasons for consultation among people who go to couples therapy is infidelity This phenomenon occurs relatively frequently in society, and couples increasingly come to the Psicode Institute with this reason for consultation.
Discover an infidelity can have devastating effects on couples: trust problems, jealousy, frequent arguments, reproaches, threats of separation, loss of communication, etc. Different relationship dynamics are created that destabilize the members of the couple, the couple itself and even the family environment.
When a couple in this situation asks us for help, the crisis that arises can even generate doubts about breaking up the relationship. On other occasions, Although they are sure they want to stay together, they are unable to get closer emotionally And this is where the work of the professional comes in.
The psychologist is an expert person, emotionally distanced from the problem, whose objective is to help rebuild trust in the relationship and the feeling of union and complicity that was broken by infidelity.
The couples therapist has an objective vision of the problem, he does not make moral judgments or look for blame. He analyzes the situation and uses scientifically supported techniques to help the couple.
Why are we unfaithful?
The causes of infidelity are very diverse. In recent research by IPSOS, the reasons given by respondents included: experience something different by having an adventure get revenge for a previous infidelity of their partner, convince themselves that they really want to be with their partner or light the spark in their own relationship.
But the main reason they stated was “To gain confidence in themselves.” This is the most important reason why people are unfaithful, more frequent than boredom with the routine of a stable relationship.
In our current society, seduction and pleasing others are highly valued. Infidelity covers the need for admiration that many people have It helps them to have more self-confidence and improve their self-esteem.
The game of seduction catches and hooks the person. At first the person begins the “fooling around” game, without thinking that anything serious is going to arise. But little by little he becomes hooked on that dose of reinforcement that the other provides him. He feels very good knowing that he likes and seduces and he doesn’t want to stop feeling it, for that reason he continues with the game, which is becoming more and more addictive.
This reinforcement of self-esteem is not only generated by the reciprocity of others, but is largely created by oneself. Seducing involves exhibiting the most beautiful part of oneself and this is where we fall into the trap: you get hooked on the sensation of feeling like a “seducer”, you bring out the best in yourself to captivate the other person and then “wham! ” the crush arises, you love yourself. It is a feeling that you had forgotten with your regular partner, because you no longer have to conquer her.
Latent love problems
On other occasions, we find infidelity as a means to an end. That is to say, it is through it, the way that the person has of express discomfort in your relationship
There are couples who have problems and don’t talk about it, because it seems that “if you don’t talk about them it’s as if they don’t exist.” They grow apart as time goes by and do nothing to solve it, they just let themselves go. The fact that one of the two people is unfaithful is usually the starting point to start talking about problems and solving them. It would be something like “hitting rock bottom” and then resurfacing.
These people go to couples therapy and their first reason for consulting is to overcome infidelity, but this is just the starting point. When this is achieved and there is reconciliation, It is time to start working on all those aspects that were failing in the couple and that they are the ones that have led one of them to be unfaithful.
“Will I be able to forgive infidelity?”
This is one of the questions that people who have been betrayed ask the most when they go to therapy on the first day. They say things like: “I would like to forgive, but I don’t know if I will be able to because I always promised myself that I would never forgive something like that.”
It is normal to have doubts about whether they will be able to forgive and that everything will go back to the way it was before. Infidelity destabilizes the relationship, generates conflicts, causes trust in the other to be lost and breaks the feeling of union and intimacy. Fortunately, all of this can be recovered with the help of a professional.
The person who has been deceived feels humiliated, betrayed and helpless in the situation. She usually feels a lot of anger, rage and feelings of revenge towards the other and she believes that these feelings will never change, which is why she feels that she will not be able to forgive.
All people are capable of forgiving. Some people forgive easily and others find it more difficult. The ease of forgiveness It is also related to what “the unfaithful” does to be forgiven, to the severity of the infidelity and to how the infidelity was discovered (whether it was something confessed or not). In the clinic we always encounter obstacles that prevent reunion.
One of the key elements of couples therapy is to digest the resentment of the person who has felt betrayed, because while this emotion is at play it is difficult to move forward.
The sessions are not easy. It’s not about telling ourselves positive things or remembering that we love each other and thinking that this will solve it. It is a much deeper work, of emotional unblocking, adjustment of beliefs, installation of new interpretations to re-create the connection, so that resentment gives way to forgiveness and trust is installed again. Each session is different, in some sessions you work with both members of the couple at the same time and in others separately.
The ultimate goal is to walk together again and that the couple “reinvents” themselves after this crisis, so that at the end of the therapy, both feel that they have not only overcome the infidelity, but that they have healed past wounds and have grown as people and as a couple.
At the Psicode Institute, after 12 years of work helping couples, we encourage you to experience the benefits of couples therapy before deciding to break up your relationship. 90% of the couples who come to us manage to save their relationship and are happy to continue together. If you are in a situation like this, you will find the contact information for the Psicode Institute at this link.
