How To Get Out Of A Toxic Relationship Without Leaving It For Another Day
There are many romantic movies with all kinds of stories: the good girl who falls in love with the bad guy and he ends up being a better person; two people who hate each other but have a lot of sexual tension and end up falling madly in love…
In most of them, at the end of the film, the couple is still together despite all the problems that have arisen and the damage they may have caused to each other. This can create the illusion that our relationship problems will eventually be resolved and that love is above all. Mistake.
We can end up in a spiral of pain if we cling to these “romantic” ideas in a relationship where things have not been going well for a long time. Thus we can end up in a toxic relationship that is difficult for us to get out of, waiting for everything to be resolved.
And if so, why is it so difficult for us to leave the relationship? And how do we get out of a toxic relationship without leaving it for another day? Keep reading this article and we will answer your questions.
A healthy relationship should provide tranquility and well-being. At the same time, it makes you feel excited about being with your partner and achieving your joint or individual goals. In addition, it allows you to feel safe in the relationship, and free to do and say what you want with or without him/her (within limits in which you do not harm anyone, of course).
And above all, keep in mind that problems will arise. You are two people who spend a lot of time together, who have different opinions and are different. The difference is that, In a healthy relationship, you will resolve these conflicts together Sometimes one will give in and other times the other, but always maintaining a balance in the relationship and not implying continuous suffering for either party.
What is a toxic relationship like then? Well, quite the opposite. In it you will feel discomfort, fear of doing or saying certain things, instability in the relationship itself and you will not be able to be yourself. In addition, there will be the perception that more is given than what is received, or that your partner is superior to you. If it’s as bad as I make it out to be, why don’t you just end the relationship?
Why is it so difficult to get out of a toxic relationship?
The basis is what is known in psychology as intermittent reinforcement: when something gives you very pleasant emotions, but only from time to time and unpredictably. This makes you wait for the next time he will give you what you want, even if you are having a hard time while waiting.
Have you ever heard or said: “When we are good, we are very good, but when we are bad…”? Well, it’s that idea. This produces the same emotions as in games of chance, and as with them, can generate addictions and emotional dependencies We continue throwing coins into the relationship, waiting for the prize to come our way.
Intermittent reinforcement causes a lot of confusion, because you don’t know what your partner is like or how he or she treats you in general. You begin to doubt if you are exaggerating it, that it is not a big deal and it is only your thing, because of how you take it. You also begin to doubt if he really loves you or if you love him.
Plus, it creates hope for you: you hold on to the good times (even if there aren’t any anymore), waiting for them to appear, and you hope that your partner will change and become the person you fell in love with again. It can also make you believe that you are capable of changing your partner. In how many movies have we seen that the bad guy ends up being a piece of bread? In this case you would be suffering from what is known as Savior Syndrome.
What if I already have things clear but it’s still difficult for me to leave? Because?
Most likely it is because of fear. Fear of loneliness, fear of the economic consequences of starting to live alone (if you live together), and of course, if there is abuse, fear of what may happen to you.
It may also be due to feelings of guilt and responsibility for the state in which you leave your partner. You may think that if you break up with him/her, it will come out very badly and you don’t want to do that to anyone. Or you may believe that the relationship is going wrong because of you.
And another very influential factor is cultural ideas, such as “in a marriage, you have to put up with everything” ; “he is the love of my life and I will not be able to be with another person”; “getting divorced or being single is for failures”; “I have to endure for my children, I don’t want them to grow up in a broken home.” The ideas of our society sometimes do a lot of harm.
How do I get out of the toxic relationship?
The problem is that all the problems that have arisen will not be resolved just like that in romantic movies. If you have reached the point of having a toxic relationship, it may even be difficult to heal the relationship because of all the damage that has already been done and the best solution is to break the relationship. And how can you do it?
1. Recognize the problem
The first thing is to realize the toxicity of your relationship. Analyze what both you and your partner do. Does what you do help you feel safe with each other, or on the contrary, does it only cause emotional instability?
You may both hurt each other or try to cover up each other’s toxic behavior: “He does it because he loves me.” This idea is also toxic, if he hurts you, it is not justifiable no matter how much he loves you. Also have an open mind and listen to what your family and friends have been telling you for a long time, they may see it easier from the outside.
2. Ask yourself what your life will be like without him/her
Imagine what your life will be like without him/her, what will be different when your partner is not with you and you have already overcome the temporary unpleasant emotions of the beginning of the breakup. Most likely, you will be able to do activities that you like, express yourself without fear, reconnect with friends that you have lost due to the relationship… In short, you will be free again. Instead of focusing on the fear or loneliness you may feel at the beginning of your new life, focus on what you are going to achieve and what will last longer.
Unfortunately, The fear or guilt that is holding you back is not going to go away completely, at most they will decrease if you pay attention to the previous advice. Taking this into account, you only have to gather courage and break the relationship to be yourself again.
It’s never going to feel like a good time, so just do it when you can. It’s a difficult step, but I promise you it will be worth it. And remember that you are not the only one to blame for the relationship not working out, and it is not your intention to hurt anyone. In the end you are going to do both of you a favor, because neither of you are happy or secure in the relationship.
4. Stay away from your ex
As we have mentioned, toxic relationships create emotional dependence due to intermittent reinforcement, as if it were a drug. Therefore, the best thing to avoid falling into temptation, in this case, to not return to your ex, is to stay away from this person and have 0 contact. It may be hard at first, but if you want not to repeat the same thing as in the past, you should not go back to him/her No choice.
5. Learn to live your new life
Now that you are single, take the opportunity to get to know yourself, to remember what you were like or know how you want to be for yourself. Do everything you planned to do with tip 3. It can feel a bit dizzy to be alone, so go little by little so it’s not so overwhelming. And above all, enjoy your own company.
