Breakups are experiences that all of us surely go through or have gone through. These are also experiences that can cause a lot of discomfort, at least for some of the parties involved. How can we overcome this discomfort?
Although it is a complex question, since it largely depends on the emotional resources of each person, and the history of each couple, in this article we will see some Useful strategies to handle and get over a breakup
It is normal that when the time comes to close a cycle, for example, when we have to say goodbye to something or someone, we get many unpleasant feelings. Sadness, anguish, fear, anxiety, anger They are some of the most common. The latter occur especially when the cycle has been closed by someone else, that is, when we have had to accept a decision that we do not fully share.
Although, as we have said, it is a fairly common experience, what is also common is not knowing how to deal with it. This is normal, because we are normally used to avoiding negative sensations and circumstances that cause us discomfort. However, believing that we can avoid them completely has the consequence that we hardly learn to tolerate such circumstances and the emotions that accompany them
If we also take into account that we are frequently socialized under the logic of romantic love, where the idea that love is suffering prevails; The process of going through a breakup becomes complicated. Likewise, and as a breakup, this is a process that involves an experience of grief, where we frequently go from the stage of denying closure, to getting angry and looking for blame, to finally accepting it. But, How can we more easily move from denial to acceptance?
8 keys to managing and overcoming a breakup
Fortunately there are several things we can do, even when the difficult moment is already happening. Some of these things may suit some people, and not others. That is, they do not work the same for everyone; it’s about trying them out and finding comfort in accordance with our own processes.
That said, below we explain 7 keys that can be useful for managing and overcoming a breakup.
1. Find your support network
Both in the case of a breakup and in any grieving process, it is very important to have a support network, that is, people who accompany and listen to our difficult moments and help us compensate for the feeling of loss or loneliness. They can be family or friends and These are generally people who have also accompanied the process of falling in love although not necessarily.
It usually happens that when we get hooked on romantic love we distance ourselves from our support networks, which makes it sometimes difficult to return to look for them once the relationship ends. It is complicated because it involves, among other things, assuming our vulnerability and also accepting if we have made a mistake. However, returning to family and friends can be an important step in moving through the grieving process more easily.
2. Make significant changes
It is also common that when we are in a relationship we accumulate objects, gifts, photos, souvenirs, among a series of material elements that symbolize the relationship and emotional bond. While these are objects that mean important things to us, they are also things that can lengthen the process of denial and anger, and therefore make it difficult for us to reach the process of acceptance.
It is important then to take some time away from these objects. This distance can translate into getting rid of them, but it can also translate into moving them around or putting them away for a moment. Keep in mind that getting rid of them will cause unpleasant sensations, so it may be better to do this little by little. That is, get rid of one thing at a time, or start by moving them around, then putting them away and finally throwing them away; or not, depending on how we feel in our process.
Related to the above, it is common that when we are in a relationship we create new hobbies, new tastes and even new interests. Getting rid of all that is difficult because these are activities that we internalize and that we put into practice daily. Detachment then implies making strong changes, which definitely cannot happen overnight. It is important not to stop staying active and looking for new things to do, even when the relationship cycle has already ended.
4. Recover old hobbies
We don’t necessarily have to create new habits. It also works to recover the habits we had before being in a relationship. Whether it works or not depends largely on how long the relationship has lasted, and how much we have changed over the course of it.
However, it can be a good exercise to think back and try to remember the activities we enjoyed before starting the relationship, as well as try to get closer to those activities. That is to say, explore a little and see what we can enjoy again and what we can’t
5. Respect the decisions
While we are in the process of denial and transitioning towards acceptance, it is common for us to try to do whatever it takes to “recover” the relationship. This usually happens especially if we were not the ones who made the decision. So that, It is common that we insist on doing everything possible so that the other person “falls in love again.” or in other words, we easily fall into the logic of “fighting for love.”
Here it is important not to confuse “recover” or “fall in love” with “stalking.” And do not confuse “love” with “possession”, “pressure” or “obligation”. Although the grieving process can be very difficult to accept, it is important to respect the closures and decisions that have been made.
6. Practice frustration tolerance
We must assume that relationships and emotional ties carry the risk of feeling discomfort. We cannot blame others for this discomfort, it is common that while we are in the process of accepting the end of the cycle we look for responsibility in the other person, both for having ended it and for making us suffer or alleviating that suffering. In order to reach acceptance we must take responsibility for our own discomfort and try to look for alternatives and tools beyond the person with whom we have shared a relationship.
Something more specific that may work for some people to close their process is to say goodbye by writing a text to the person they have had to leave. Given the many times it is difficult to say what we feel, but because it is difficult we do not stop feeling it, a possible measure to let go is to write it down. This may be in the format of a farewell letter, which may or may not be delivered to the other person, or it may simply be a text that allows us to express emotions that sometimes we do not recognize if we only think about them or if we only try to talk about them.
8. Take your time
It is important to remember that processing a loss or end of cycle takes time. For the same reason, it is not necessary to pressure ourselves to overcome these changes from one day to the next. Some people may take one day and others may take many more.
Many times this process lengthens and becomes more stormy when we have the idea that we have already spent several days and we are still in the same situation. This does not mean that we do not take responsibility for ourselves, but it does mean that when we have lived such a significant experience, it is normal that it takes us a significant amount of time to learn to see that experience in a different way
