Nobody has taught us to be alone and, instead, there is a maxim that tells us: “We are born alone and we die alone.” We are generally alone, even if we feel surrounded by people.
Nobody has taught us to be alone and, on the other hand, there is a maxim that tells us: «We are born alone and we die alone». We are generally alone, even though we feel surrounded by people. No one has trained us to face this transcendental situation, not even our own parents.
Most of us face life together. We are lucky because doing it together is much easier. When we have no choice but to live our life experiences alone, without a doubt, the path is more uncertain.
Nobody illustrates to us that precisely loneliness It is a part of the journey of life. Therefore, from childhood, we should be taught how to live with our loneliness, being alone as a learning experience to survive. With growth comes questions: Are we prepared enough to leave the family nest? To face our first job? To the first love? To getting lost in the desert? To the first breakup? To a pandemic? To a war? To an economic crisis? To an existential crisis? To old age? or to death itself? If we were honest, most of us would answer with a no.
Is it necessary to know how to be alone?
How many times have we heard such familiar phrases as “above all, don’t be left alone», «loneliness is a bad companion», «you are going to stay to dress saints…». We are governed by conventions, by appearances, by what society dictates to us. We have grown up with them and it is difficult to separate ourselves.
The writer Lord Byron used to say that “in solitude is when we are least alone». The reality is that being alone is merely a temporary situation and, in principle, is not a problem; On the contrary, there are many people who choose to be alone The truth is that while for some it means freedom, independence, for others it is torment.
For most of us think about be alone It connects us with something negative. In fact, loneliness is accompanied by pejorative labels: «He will be alone because he is a weirdo…”, “he is not with anyone because he is unattractive…». And we believe it. We have incorporated it into our value system. It is difficult for us to believe that someone chooses to be alone by their own decision and we also associate it with old age, separation, single-parent family…
From an anthropological point of view, loneliness is not a defect, since it is part of the human condition. Loneliness makes a place in life. The problem is when this transforms into abandonment or helplessness, something that awakens anguish, fear, anxiety, sadness…
Can you enjoy solitude?
Today, society coexists with a paradox: Being the most connected society in history, we have never felt more alone. Although there is talk of “work as a team”, “live in community”, “make friends”» As the ideal of life, competitiveness promotes individualism. The leader must act alone and accept everything that comes to him alone.
The medical society already speaks of «loneliness epidemic», causing imbalances in emotional and physical health. Mother Teresa of Calcutta already expressed it in her travels as a missionary: “Loneliness and the feeling of not being loved are the most terrible poverty.”
We desperately seek to change this condition and we long for someone at all costs, whoever it may be, to change this situation for us. We consider ourselves on many occasions why are we alone and the only thing we contemplate is that we are because no one wants to be with us. Our self-esteem crumbles. Given this, we must try to turn these feelings around.
How to enjoy solitude?
Aristotle stated that ““We are social animals.”, whether we like it or not, and that is why we need other human beings to survive. We need both physical and emotional contact, as well as sometimes withdrawal and silence to be able to close life cycles and explore new paths. As a psychological process, being alone symbolizes a «encounter with oneself» and depending on the experiences we have had and our own means, we can make this condition a unique opportunity to grow and achieve unforgettable moments.
We must learn to distinguish whether we should live life in bad company rather than living it alone. There is no worse feeling than being with someone and feeling alone. This feeling can be frightening for many people. As well as understanding the difference between being alone or feeling alone, enjoy solitude with joy or spend it as misery. There are many who are afraid to spend time with themselves.
Being alone is an opportunity to get to know yourself
Carl G. Jung, Swiss psychiatrist, said that «Loneliness is dangerous, it’s addictive, because once you realize how much peace there is in it, you don’t want to deal with people.».
The loneliness It can be very positive if you know how to take advantage of it. Spending time alone is an opportunity to connect with ourselves, with our emotions, to learn to love ourselves, to reflect on life. We may be alone in different conditions, but that does not mean that there are not people who do not love us. I remember a man’s comment regarding his sentimental career: «I left my parents’ house when I was 28 to get married. I always wished that I had not gone through the phase of living with friends sharing a flat or being single in my own apartment, before taking the decisive step towards marriage. Now that I have separated, I have returned to my parents because I don’t know how to live alone».
How to learn to be alone?
When the fear to loneliness takes over us, our mind is filled with beliefs or thoughts that are frequently repeated:
- Catastrophic thoughts: «I will never find anyone”, “it is increasingly difficult to find someone suitable…»
- Absolute beliefs about couples and love: «Being in a relationship is the only way to be happy”, “being alone means that no one loves me, that I am not valid…”
- Thoughts with high self-demand: “If the relationship has failed it is because I have done something wrong.” «I have to make this work. I’m going to destroy my children’s lives…”
- Anticipatory beliefs in relation to ourselves and others: “I won’t know how to be alone”, “I won’t know how to fit in with my friends”, “I won’t recognize myself without being with family…”
How to act on those fears:
- Learn to make your thoughts more flexible: Question those beliefs that block you. Little by little, you will find it easier to generate alternative ideas.
- Identify your fears: This is the first step to defeat them. If we know ourselves well and understand the reason for these fears, it will be easier to act: When do I feel that fear? what do I feel then? how do I act?
- Reflect: What do you fear most when being alone? Are there other fears that you have already overcome? What benefits have you obtained? What do you lose by being afraid?
- Face your fears: Set small goals that help you move forward. For example, make small decisions, despite the fear or embarrassment of making them alone.
- Dedicate moments of pleasure for yourself: like painting, playing sports, listening to good music or cooking. Remember that self-care improves your mood and the quality of your relationships with others.
- Ask for help: If you detect that fear is beginning to limit you in your daily life, psychologists can teach you how to acquire the tools and resources necessary to effectively confront these difficulties.
Learn to be alone It is the key not only to knowing ourselves better, but to enjoying all aspects of our life. Therefore, it is vital that you try to enjoy solitude, or rather, your own company.
