The inability to say “no” is one of the aspects that can most affect our daily lives, even though it may seem unbelievable. Not only on an individual level (since it often provokes feelings of frustration and anger when not being able to establish clear limits), but it also damages our relationships, since our immediate environment becomes accustomed to our lack of assertiveness and can, therefore, take advantage of it.
Setting healthy boundaries is not always easy, we know. However, it is necessary to enhance assertiveness as much as possible. Although sometimes it is necessary to go to therapy, in this article we propose a series of tips that will make it easier for you to say no
It is quite common that not knowing how to say no to situations that we do not want or that we feel violate our limits is due to the fear of rejection from others. It is also quite common that people who are not assertive and fall into submissive behavior have had an education based on the “importance” of sacrifice to others.
We offer you some tips that can help you lose the fear of setting the necessary limits and saying “no” when appropriate. All of them require putting distance from oneself, the only way to carry out the appropriate self-examination that will allow us to understand where we “failed” and where we can improve. At first it will be difficult, of course (it’s normal), but over time you will notice an incredible improvement when it comes to defending your interests and setting the limits you need.
It is logical; In order to establish limits it is necessary to know well what our priorities are, that is, what is important to us and what we are willing to consent to and what we are not
To be clear about what these priorities are, write down in a notebook or mentally reflect on what things are most important to you and what others are not so important. For example: “For me it is important that you respect my break time at work,” which means that during that time you are not available to “help” anyone with any task.
2. Reflect on your actions
Is it really worth it to maintain someone’s satisfaction at the expense of your interests? To what extent do you go to help? Could it be that you do it out of fear of disappointing her? And, above all: Are you giving up things that are important to you (see point 1) to make that person happy?
As you can see, asking yourself certain questions from time to time can help you a lot to clarify your situation and reinforce your priorities.
3. Think if the “annoyance” really is such
This technique is very simple. Think for a moment that you refuse to do what a person asks of you; Then, put yourself in that person’s shoes and ask yourself if the refusal is really that serious. The answer will probably be a resounding “no.”
And many times we are incapable of saying no for the simple fact that we distort the discomfort that this will cause in the other. Generally this is not the case, and When we begin to be assertive we realize that the discomfort is not as serious as fear made it out to be
The inability to say “no” is closely linked to low self-esteem. People who do not value themselves or value themselves little have the mistaken belief that they owe something to others, and that by simply refusing to do something they are doing a lot of harm to others.
To correctly evaluate this “ballast” vision that we have of ourselves (because, in order not to “annoy” or to prevent rejection, we grant others all the wishes), it is necessary to carry out an analysis of the vision that we have of ourselves. . Let’s stop at what parts of ourselves we owe to others and vice versa and we will realize that we are not as indebted to our neighbor as we imagine.
5. Draw a parallel between yourself and unassertive people
The idea is not to compare yourself to see “who is worse”, but rather to see where you can improve. Take a few moments to imagine what characteristics, in your opinion, people who don’t know how to say no have, and then think about yourself.
Do you agree on some points? What do you think you can work on to improve your assertiveness? Are there some specific people with whom you find it harder to say “no”?
