How To Learn To Treat Yourself With Kindness In Difficult Times?
Think for a moment about a time when a person you really appreciate is suffering in some way, due to health, emotional or work issues… How do you usually respond to these people in situations of this type? What do you say to them? In what tone do you speak? What is your body posture and non-verbal communication?
Now think about a time in which you have suffered for a similar reason and see if your way of responding to yourself, speaking to yourself and acting is similar or, on the contrary, different. Identify the pattern difference.
More than likely you will be between a vast majority of the population who are much more compassionate towards others than towards themselves, As revealed in a 2016 study carried out in the United States by University of Texas researchers Kristin Neff (co-creator of the Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) program) and Marissa Knox: 78% of the general population of the US is more compassionate with others than with themselves, 6% are more compassionate with themselves than with others, and 16% are equally compassionate.
Self-compassion involves treating yourself as you would a friend who is experiencing suffering because they are going through a difficult time, a painful situation, for whatever reason. It may be that he feels guilty or inadequate or that he has been forced to face a very complicated situation. Just as Western culture usually focuses on treating others with kindness, it does not propose the same when the person who is in trouble is oneself. Self-compassion is a practice that opens the doors for us to be more understanding of ourselves when we suffer, when we feel inadequate.
Core elements of self-compassion
Self-compassion is not only the ability to treat ourselves in a friendlier way, but The concept encompasses three nuclear elements that act as mechanisms of the self-compassion machinery and that are activated when we feel pain:
The element of mindfulness answers the question: “What am I experiencing?” (realize what is happening, without resisting the experience). On the other hand, self-compassion focuses on caring for those who are experiencing the experience with the question “What do I need right now?”
An example of self-compassion in a real situation
Imagine that your best friend calls you after having an argument with his boss in the office and they just fired him.
“Hello,” you answer, picking up the phone. “How are you?”
“I’m devastated,” he says, between sobs. “But what happened?” you ask.
“Do you remember that I had told you that I didn’t feel that my boss valued my work and that he constantly put me under a lot of pressure? Today he asked me to stop what he was doing to attend to some tasks for another colleague who started her vacation and I exploded. I got angry and told him everything out loud. The rest of the people in the office turned around when they heard my screams and then I was shocked. I got fired. What am I going to do now?”.
After listening to your friend, you sigh and say: “For a change, you did it in the worst possible way. You have always been a loudmouth, unable to control your impulses to be and not knowing how to defend yourself when someone abuses you. “That’s how your life has gone.”
Would you ever talk this way to someone you care about? The answer is clear: you would never do it. However, interestingly, this is the language we usually use with ourselves in such situations. If we train self-compassion we can talk to ourselves like a good friend with words like these:
“I’m so sorry. It’s hard to go through what happened to you. I want you to know that I’m here for you and that you’re very important to me. Is there anything I can do to help?”
False myths about self-compassion and the scientific evidence that debunks them
Let’s look at the five most widespread myths about self-compassion and what various scientific studies have shown in this regard, dismantling these myths.
1. Self-pity is a way of feeling sorry for yourself
While many people think that self-pity is feeling sorry for yourself, in fact, self-pity increases our ability to accept, experience, and acknowledge difficult feelings with kindness, which paradoxically helps us process them and let them go more fully. (Neff & Pommier, 2013, Raes, 2010). While self-pity would tell us “Poor me,” self-pity makes us more aware that life is hard for everyone and helps us not to exaggerate the extent of our worries.
Researchers are discovering that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of inner strength we makes us more resilient when we face significant difficulties such as divorce or chronic pain (Sbarra, Smith & Mehl, 2012, Hiraoka et al., 2015, Wren et al, 2012).
3. Self-pity is selfish
Contrary to the idea that self-pity is selfish, research has proven that Self-compassionate people tend to be more loving and supportive in relationships (Neff & Beretvas, 2013), they are more likely to engage in relationship problems (Yarnell & Neff, 2013), they are more compassionate towards others, and they are able to forgive sooner those who have caused them pain (Neff & Pommier, 2013). ).
4. Self-pity is self-indulgent
Compassion advocates long-term health, not short-term pleasure (just as a compassionate mother does not let her child eat all the candy he wants, but tells him to “eat the vegetables”). Self-compassionate people engage in healthier behaviors such as exercise (Magnus, Kowalski & McHugh, 2010), eating well (Schoenefeld & Webb, 2013) and seeing the doctor more regularly (Terry et al., 2013).
Related article: “6 limiting beliefs, and how they harm us on a daily basis”
5. Self-pity is a way of making excuses
Self-compassion provides the confidence to admit mistakes, rather than having to blame other people for them. Research has also proven that self-compassionate people take greater personal responsibility for their actions (Leary et al., 2007) and are more likely to apologize if they have offended someone (Brienes & Chen, 2012).
6. Self-pity will harm motivation
Most people believe that self-criticism is an effective motivator, but it actually undermines self-confidence and can lead us to fear failure. Motivation with self-compassion comes from the desire for health and well-being and becomes the emotional lever for change. Research shows that self-compassionate people have high personal standards; they do not punish themselves when they fail (Neff, 2003b); hence, they are less afraid of failure (Neff, Hseih, & Dejitthirat, 2007) and are more likely to try again and persist in their efforts after failing (Breines & Chen, 2012).
You may be interested: “Types of motivation: the 8 motivational sources”
The Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) program, a global benchmark
MSC was co-developed in 2010 by Christopher Germer, PhD, a leading psychologist in integrating mindfulness into psychotherapy, and Kristin Neff, PhD, a pioneering researcher in the field of self-compassion. The program is taught in 24 countries and 12 languages. To participate in an MSC course it is not necessary to have previous experience in mindfulness or meditation.
In fact, keep in mind that MSC is primarily a compassion training program rather than mindfulness, although mindfulness is the foundation of self-compassion. MSC is also not psychotherapy to the extent that the focus is on building emotional resources rather than uncovering old wounds. The change produced by the integration of self-compassion throughout the course is progressive, as we develop the ability to be with ourselves in a more compassionate way. The program consists of sessions of about 2 hours 30 minutes in which meditations, exercises, presentations on the various topics addressed, group discussions and home practices alternate. The goal is for participants to integrate self-compassion with experiences from their daily lives.
By participating in an MSC course you will learn to:
Apply self-compassion in your daily life in a practical way.
Understand the benefits of self-compassion, according to scientific studies.
Motivate yourself in a kinder way and without so much self-criticism.
Manage difficult emotions more easily.
Cope better with difficult relationships.
Better manage caregiver fatigue.
Practice the art of enjoying every moment and self-appreciation.
Next October 4th we will start in PSYCHOTOOLS the autumn edition of the official 8-week MSC course in face-to-face format with limited places.
If you want to sign up or find out more about our personalized mindfulness and/or self-compassion training, contact our instructor Ferran García de Palau, accredited teacher of the MSC (Mindful Self-Compassion), MBSR (Mindful Self-Compassion), Stress with Mindfulness) and the Eline Snel Method training for children and adolescents. Ferran has extensive experience and offers services to companies, professional groups and individuals. Contact us and Ferran will guide you based on your needs and your vital moment.
