How To Maintain Good Communication With Our Teenagers
If there is a stage that is characterized by difficulties, misunderstanding, changes and challenges, it is adolescence.
Although during adolescence relationships between peers have more and more weight and not so much the relationships established with fathers and mothers, these do not stop being important, but constitute a fundamental factor when it comes to create one’s own identity and help redefine parent-child roles within the family (Tesson and Youniss, 1995).
In recent decades, many investigations have been carried out aimed at finding out what factors influence whether there is good parent-child communication in adolescence (Cava, 2003).
For this reason, it is important to know what the best strategies are for communicating, since it will depend to a greater or lesser extent on what type of relationship we establish with our sons and daughters at this very important stage.
Communicating is not imposing. Communicating is exchanging information, and communicating effectively represents that the other person has received our information and that we have received theirs, both parties without contradictory, ambiguous messages and where mutual respect prevails.
A very common mistake that is made during the communicative act is having an inappropriate objective That is, trying to communicate something with the aim of making the other person give in to our information; not being clear about what our objective is or having contradictory objectives at the same time.
These are some common failures in communication processes.
1. Shout
It is of little use to us to try to establish an appropriate conversation if we raise the volume and tone when speaking. When someone yells at us it is easier for us to act defensively so it is not the best strategy to achieve good communication.
2. Impose/Blackmail
One of the mistakes most made when having a conversation with sons and daughters is imposing our “will.” If what you are looking for is to try to reach agreements with your child The worst thing you can do to achieve this is to use phrases like “I don’t care what you say”, “this is how it is and that’s it” “you will do what I say”, “you are not going to do that”, “however you do that you will see…”
3. Judge/criticize
If there is one thing that teenagers agree on, it is that most of them feel judged by their parents, or they are worried about being judged and that is why they tend to avoid certain topics of conversation or prefer to lie instead of telling the truth. Thus It is important that when they are expressing themselves we try not to judge them showing an open attitude to dialogue and making them see that it is normal to make mistakes on certain occasions (remember that you did it too).
4. Not listening
Another common mistake is not listening. Stop to listen to them and If this is not the best time for you, try to postpone the talk until later showing your child that what they want to tell you is important to you.
It is essential that we try to understand our children’s emotions and thoughts if we want them to feel comfortable talking to us. One of the most common mistakes is to think only that it is what we want or what we consider best for them, without considering what motivates them to act in a certain way or what they need at that moment
So what can we do?
Something obvious would be to do the opposite of everything we just mentioned: empathize, listen, understand and speak with a good tone and volume. But let’s focus on the following strategies:
1. Negotiate
Establish a dialogue in which to negotiate. If there is something that does not usually work with adolescents, it is imposition. You prohibit them from something and it seems that they want to do it even more, which is why it is important to reach agreements.
There will be times when we have to deny requests, but that does not mean we will always do it, or we can try to reach intermediate agreements Remember that to negotiate there will be times when you too will have to give in.
2. Show ourselves open
We must be flexible to negotiate and be able to agree on certain issues. This will make them feel more comfortable and more willing to communicate with us. Also It is important to show that we can be flexible with our own ideas
3. Model
How do we expect our children to talk to us about what worries them and their feelings if we don’t do the same? If from the beginning we are communicative, we explain how our day went, what our concerns are and we explain what worries us, it will be much easier for them to do the same.
As shown by Cava (2003) in his study on family relationships, there is a positive relationship between adequate family communication and greater adolescent psychosocial well-being. Specific, Greater openness in communication with parents is related to higher self-esteem and less depressed mood
Adolescence is a difficult stage and is usually the one in which greater conflicts arise, especially due to the fact that adolescents increasingly prefer greater autonomy and parents do not always agree with this (Smetana, 1989). Despite this, as expressed by Musitu et al. (2001), family relationships constitute a fundamental aspect for the well-being of the adolescent (Cava, 2003).
