How To Overcome A Breakup By Improving Our Self-esteem

Breakups are, in most cases, an emotionally painful experience, even if we are the person who has decided to end that relationship; That is why there are many people who decide to attend psychotherapy a few weeks after having gone through it.

However, something that is often overlooked is that these types of experiences are not just something that makes us feel bad and that we must resign ourselves to going through when this circumstance occurs; It is also an experience from which we can learn and that can even provide us with elements to grow as people and relate better to ourselves. Therefore, here we will talk about How can we make the process of overcoming a breakup also a process of improving self-esteem?.

What is the relationship between relationships and self-esteem?

Let’s start by defining the concept of self-esteem. Self-esteem is the combination of thought patterns that They lead us to see ourselves in a certain way and to feel in a specific way with that conception of the “I.” that we believe in our minds from it. That is, self-esteem is the combination of ideas and beliefs from which we compose an image of our own identity, and the set of emotions and feelings that we associate with that identity. Therefore, it has a part that can be expressed in words, and another that is emotional in nature and we only experience directly ourselves.

How does our self-esteem interact with experiencing a relationship? Through these psychological processes:

A psychological bond with a lot of potential

As we have seen, self-esteem is not a psychological element that arises in us in isolation from what surrounds us; It is the fruit of a process of interaction between us and the rest of the world, and in which the most important people for us, the ideas that we have internalized through education, the information transmitted through the mass media and Internet, etc. And, of course, that implies that Our relationships also have a significant effect on how we see ourselves and how we feel about our own identity for better or worse.

In this way, having a partner who gives us support, helps us be aware of our positive qualities and makes us see how we can learn from our mistakes, will be a factor that balances our self-esteem.

And, on the contrary, if we get involved in a harmful relationship, constant exposure to that type of unfair criticism and/or the influence of someone who only highlights our imperfections and not our achievements, It will also make us be too harsh when it comes to valuing ourselves.

Not to mention cases in which genuine psychological abuse occurs for months or years, something that wreaks havoc on people’s mental health: for example, attempts at emotional manipulation through what is known as gaslighting leads to many victims to question their own ability to understand what is happening around them on a daily basis (something that is used by the abuser to feed a dynamic of dependency and always have authority in the relationship).

But fortunately, the existence of this connection between self-esteem and relationships means that even when we have left a very damaging courtship or marriage, we can take advantage of the crisis caused by the breakup to rebuild the way in which we see and value ourselves… Even enjoying a more balanced and stable self-esteem than the one we had before starting that relationship. Let’s see what are the psychological pillars on which this process is based.

The keys to improving self-esteem after a breakup

These are the main ideas from which psychotherapy is based to help people who, in addition to going through a bad time due to a breakup, feel how their self-esteem is in a state of vulnerability.

1. More space to construct our own narrative of what happened

The breakup makes it easier to develop our own interpretation of what we have experienced, without constantly exposing ourselves to the opinions and points of view of the other person (which do not have to be wrong, but they start from a frame of reference and values ​​different from ours). This helps us better understand our own actions, our emotions and feelings present both in the relationship and in the breakup, and be more understanding with ourselves.

But we must keep in mind that the simple fact of not having a partner and having time will not ensure that we take advantage of this potential; you have to apply strategies and self-knowledge exercises such as the routine of taking notes in an emotions diary.

2. A renewed appreciation for the here and now

The breakup of a relationship means no longer having the participation of a person who is important to us in our daily lives, at least as we had planned during the time the relationship lasted. However, this also means that we have more time for ourselves and, specifically, to connect with the present moment without being subject to the tensions of certain future plans as a couple, certain expectations and requirements for life together to be sustainable, etc.

This helps us re-tune with our interests and develop skills and hobbies that allow us to better see what we are good at, but it also allows us to take advantage of this stage to stop thinking so much about the future and understand how we got to that point. moment, which allows you to learn from mistakes, instead of simply suffering their consequences without understanding what is happening.

In this sense, Mindfulness is a very valuable resource, because it helps us focus our attention on the present moment, letting go of recurring thoughts, worries that we have been feeding involuntarily for days or weeks, and helps us focus on what is happening to us without giving it more importance than it really has. . This psychological “reset” process helps us face our problems and needs in a much more constructive way.

• Related article: “What is Mindfulness? The 7 answers to your questions”

3. It gives us the opportunity to stop feeling so vulnerable by learning from mistakes

Even if we have gone through a harmful relationship, this post-breakup phase helps us look back and identify those “red flags” that were associated with the problematic behavior of the other person and/or ourselves ; signs that what was happening was only contributing to worsening the relationship. The fact of knowing that we are able to identify these beginnings in their first manifestations and prevent their influence can be experienced as a great personal advance (and in many cases it makes us aware that we are more prepared to meet other people).

• You may be interested: “How to learn from mistakes: 9 effective tips”

4. Noticing how we are able to process discomfort is in itself a reinforcement for self-esteem

Although at first the feeling of strong anguish and vertigo is very common when realizing that the relationship has come to an end, the fact of realizing how we are capable of facing and managing that discomfort is, if we do it well, an self-esteem improvement experience: What once seemed impossible has become something that we have integrated into our identity and that, although it may generate some pain during the first months, we know that we are increasingly better at accepting it and incorporating it into our memories, which is a sign of our ability to face crises.

• Related article: “Resilience: definition and 10 habits to enhance it”

Do you want to get over a breakup with professional psychological support?

If you want to start a process of psychological therapy to turn the page after a painful breakup or to overcome any other form of emotional discomfort, I invite you to contact me.

I am a psychologist with more than 12 years of professional experience in the sector, and I offer individualized sessions in person or online by video call. In addition, we can also work from the 8-week Mindfulness MBSR courses to improve self-esteem and self-leadership.