The family represents that first social group to which we belong in our lives. It is there where the roots of who we are are built, where we form our first bonds and acquire a particular vision of the world. Through family ties we also build an identity and a concept of what we are supposed to be. In short, the first family ties shape the foundations of our person.
In an ideal situation, the family is a space of unconditional love, support and protection. Although as we grow we manage to make our own path, our loved ones will forever represent that safe place to return to. However, the reality is that many families show problematic dynamics that lead them to fail in their functioning. Instead of being warm, cocooning nests, they can feel like the coldest of igloos. They can even be terrifying environments like hell itself.
There is no doubt that perfect families only have space in movies. Absolute harmony is impossible in a network so full of ins and outs and complexity where each member occupies a specific role, ambivalent emotions appear, bonds and alliances are formed, and invisible inheritances from previous generations are carried forward.
One of the issues that cloud the dynamics of many families has to do with the preservation of secrets. Taboos locked in a chest whose key is passed from hand to hand, from parents to children, over and over again. Secrets can cause enormous suffering due to the guilt and shame normally associated with them. Sometimes secrets create hierarchies in families, marking the difference between those members who know them versus those who do not.
At a certain point, many families make the decision to reveal that secret that has been tormenting them for too long. However, opening Pandora’s box is a delicate thing that requires tact and care.
In this article we will talk about how to reveal a family secret
Broadly speaking, we all know what a secret is. Generally, keeping something secret means not sharing certain information (a behavior, a fact, a feeling…) with other people for some reason. Although all secrets are related to hiding and hiding, they can have a positive or negative connotation depending on their purpose. Keeping infidelity from your partner a secret is not the same as preparing a surprise birthday party.
When we talk about family secrets in psychology, we generally refer to negative secrets, which are used in a certain way as a weapon of power. Typically, only some of the members know the secret information, giving those who do have an advantage over the others. However, preserving secrets in families can sometimes be adaptive. Keeping certain information hidden can help maintain the balance of the system and its functioning
In any case, secrets usually end up giving rise to harmful dynamics between family members. Children are usually the most affected, since they experience feelings such as fear, guilt or shame for having to lie to those around them. The emotional burden associated with secrets can leave a very painful mark on the family that is passed on from generation to generation.
Regarding the theme of secrets, these usually revolve around situations typically linked to the taboo and the forbidden, which can damage the image that the family transmits to the outside. Among them, issues such as adoptions, abortions, false relationships, grief associated with suicide or infancy death, orphanhood, sexuality, mental illness, addictions, morality, religion… and a long etcetera stand out.
When a secret dominates the dynamics of a family, a powerful law of silence is established which prohibits the possibility of speaking about these issues. Members know they are not allowed to open that drawer and try to act as if it does not exist.
The influence of the sociocultural context on family secrets
Far from what it may seem, the family is not a hermetic social group. On the contrary, it is in constant interaction with the environment in which it is located, which allows the exchange of influences. In relation to the problem of secrecy, the social conditions in which a family is inserted determine which topics are subject to taboo. Therefore, the same situation can be a source of shame in one era of history or community and not in another. It is enough to look back just a few decades to see how very normalized issues today, such as divorce or abortion, were cause of deep social stigma
Beyond the theme, secrets always tend to fulfill a similar function. When they appear, they do so with the aim of making pain invisible, of hiding something as if this would be a guarantee that it would disappear from memory. When a distressing event becomes repressed, this automatically prevents its correct elaboration. What’s more, the paradox occurs that when a painful situation tries to be hidden, the suffering and relevance of said situation usually increase.
Although over time the way of maintaining the secret changes, as long as the dynamics tending to repress pain persist, it will be difficult for the family to be fully functional.
Family secrets are a much more common phenomenon than it seems In fact, most families have more or less important secrets. After all, no one is born in a completely neutral scenario. We are all born in a particular family context, we are one more page in a book with many previous chapters already written. From the moment our lives begin, many times without meaning to, we are perpetuating that story.
Transgenerational memory is key for people to understand what they do and what they are. Without reflecting on previous generations, we may not fully understand our circumstances today. Therefore, making the decision to tactfully uncover a secret can be a way to break a cycle that has been tormenting all previous generations. This can help start a new page without the feeling that there are pages torn out in previous chapters. from the book.
How to reveal a family secret?
Let’s imagine the case of a family in which the father has been in prison during his youth, a secret that the children are not aware of. Taking the step of making a revelation like this is going to disrupt family relationships and the image that children have of their parent. Of course, it will also affect the mother, who as an accomplice in said secret has a relevant role in the entire family.
First of all, you should keep in mind that Revealing that family secret is not going to imply an immediate and radical return to normality In fact, it is most likely that said revelation will stir emotions, generate changes and reactions of all kinds in the environment. Taking this realistic view is important to prepare beforehand. However, as painful as it may be, sharing the truth is always more healing than keeping a harmful secret. However, because of this it is essential to know how to choose well when and how the revelation will occur.
On the other hand, it is also important to clarify that, in matters of family secrets, it is more appropriate to speak of confirmation rather than revelation. Often, members who are unaware of the secret also suffer in some way from its consequences, expressing suspicions and doubts and not finding answers to numerous questions. Therefore, bringing the hidden to light is a way to confirm everything that resonated within them.
Other relevant considerations when revealing a secret:
1. Anticipate possible consequences and effects
Before talking about it, it’s important to think about how your disclosure will affect the rest of the family. Reflect on how relationships between members may be affected and how you yourself may be upset by this new reality.
2. Choose the right moment
When it comes to revealing a secret there never seems to be a good time. However, as a general rule it is preferable talk about it in an everyday, calm moment, without too much expectation Choosing a special event or a designated day is not the best idea, as the impact is much more magnified.
3. Accept your responsibility
When making the decision to reveal a secret, it is important to accept responsibility for all that it entails. Sometimes, revealing a taboo topic can have unexpected consequences and even give rise to other secrets that you didn’t know about. Being responsible means taking charge of that turn that is going to take place. It is not responsible to open a painful and secret issue and then act as if the revelation never happened. If you are going to take the step, do it with all the consequences.
4. Consider the possibility of family therapy
Family therapy can be the ideal space to uncover a secret. Individually, you can talk about it with your therapist and reflect on how you are going to make the disclosure in session. Doing it in this scenario will help you have greater security, counting on a mediating figure who can keep the situation within controlled channels In addition, family therapy will also be of enormous help afterwards, since every revelation implies changes and readjustments in the family system.
