Surely more than once you have come across someone who always tries to please the people with whom they interact, or it may be that sometimes that person has been you. This dynamic can help strengthen some relationships in the short term, but in the long run it is counterproductive and leads to self-esteem problems and unbalanced bonds with others.
People need to assert themselves at certain times and assert our positions, interests and values, putting into practice a social skill called “assertiveness.” In this sense, here you will find several tips on how to stop wanting to please others through routines and habits of emotional management and communication styles.
Wanting to please others systematically and constantly is a sign of lack of independence and self-confidence, in addition to being a very negative dynamic for one’s own mental health.
Here you will find the main keys and strategies to learn to stop wanting to please others.
1. Let your values guide your behavior
People-pleasers usually leave aside their own values when it comes to pleasing the people around them at all times and with the aim of avoiding any conflict.
Instead of always trying to do what we are asked to do externally, psychology professionals recommend always base our behavior on our own values, ideas and approaches This means that if someone asks us to do something that contradicts our own values or beliefs, we must choose to, first, communicate it, and second, make the decision based on how we have been treated after expressing how we feel. we feel, to take into account the extent to which we are respected.
2. Train your assertiveness taking into account what the other person knows
Assertiveness consists precisely in knowing how to defend one’s needs, opinions or values, in a clear but always respecting the interests of the interlocutor
It is one of the most important social skills that exist and a sign of personal maturity that allows us to communicate and interact with our environment successfully and in accordance with our own values.
But to be assertive, we must first make hypotheses about what our interlocutor knows and does not know about us. For example, it may happen that someone asks us for something that bothers us simply because they do not know that it will make us feel bad or put us in an uncomfortable situation. That’s why, We must make sure you are aware of what is happening
3. Reflect on whether what you do makes you happy
Another way to stop systematically pleasing others is to reflect on whether what we do at a given moment makes us really happy and is in tune with our needs or our will
Sometimes it is difficult to recognize if we do something because we really want to or because someone has asked us to do it and we want to avoid conflicts with that person or feel bad in the future for not doing it.
In these cases we must identify why we have agreed to do such a thing and if it is something that really makes us happy and satisfies us personally.
4. Learn to say no
Another characteristic of people-pleasers is their inability to say “no” any time they disagree with something or someone.
This is an unequivocal sign of lack of assertiveness, since it is considered that saying “no” at some point can be considered a lack of respect, as an aggression towards someone or as the beginning of a conflict with the interlocutor.
Learn to say “no” in situations where we disagree, It allows us to defend our own opinion and values our own needs or preferences at any time in our lives.
This can be trained in many ways, for example, starting to say “no” in agreed situations with close people or in real everyday situations with close friends and family, when deciding where to have dinner, what plan to make or what movie to watch.
5. Don’t apologize constantly
Constant apologizing even when we have done nothing wrong is a sign of need to please and lack of self-confidence.
People who want to please others at all times are usually insecure and usually believe that they do everything wrong, which is why they tend to apologize at all times, as a measure to please.
Instead of doing that, we must learn to not feel everything we do, to be sure of ourselves and our actions, and to apologize only when necessary and when we are truly sorry.
6. Set limits
Establishing personal limits is also a sign of assertiveness, since adults and self-confident people are able to see at all times when someone is trespassing. the limits of what is acceptable and what is not
Knowing at all times what we are willing to do for others and what we will or will not tolerate when dealing with other people is the first step in learning to stop pleasing everyone at all times.
Sincerity will also allow us to learn to stop being complacent with the people around us.
Since, whenever we do not want to do something for someone, we will be able to honestly tell that person the reasons why we declined said offer or demand. Always with the greatest assertiveness and respect.
8. Do things for yourself
To learn to be autonomous and assertive we can also start doing leisure activities or any other type of activity by ourselves.
Sometimes the most insecure people stop themselves from doing things because of what others may think but doing what we want at all times will help us gain confidence in ourselves, be safer and more assertive.
These activities can range from going to a concert, watching our favorite movie at the cinema, going on vacation or going to the theater.
9. Analyze your feelings
Analyzing our own feelings will also allow us to know ourselves better and know what we want at all times, in order to be able to claim it when necessary.
This analysis can be done by writing in a notebook or diary the feelings we have every day, as well as the fears, insecurities or fears that stalk us at every moment and see if they are realistic or not.
In the same way, we must also analyze the environment from which we come and examine whether since childhood we were forced to put aside our own feelings and needs, giving priority to those of other family members.
10. Go to the psychologist
As indicated, Going to a psychology professional can be of great help to learn to put your own needs first and not please everyone all the time.
Psychology professionals will help you identify your own thoughts and feelings, and implement strategies and behavioral guidelines to act according to your values and preferences.
