When couples arrive at the doctor’s office, they do so with their accusatory finger pointed at the person next to them, blaming, scolding or interpreting, but generally not being able to ask themselves the question individually.
What’s wrong with this situation? What is my share of responsibility in such a crisis? What can I try to give from my place to make this link work?
There lies the big problem, accusing someone and not being able to look inside yourself generating with this modality a crisis or conflict that increases its dimensions with the passage of time.
It is easier for people to interpret someone’s action, attitude or saying from their own life perspective, criticizing or judging said action being more complex to be able to stop and, empathetically, ask a question.
The question allows us to understand what could have happened to him in his life history or at that moment to react in such a way. Likewise, it provides and enables both of us in the link, the possibility of reconsideration, registration and searching for answers.
When what is at stake in a relationship is interpretation it is generated from the life story that the person is interpreting, but not from the side of the person carrying out such an action, where the protagonists are anger, criticism and judging, the response of the other party will always be defense. , thus beginning the conflictive and endless cycle.
Someone criticizes or accuses, the other person defends themselves, since that criticism probably activated old wounds, and thus between unnecessary accusations, criticisms and defenses, cracks and silences that are difficult to repair are installed in the bond.
This occurs for several reasons. One of the most frequent is that the bond of a couple is the one that works most frequently (statistically) by being a mirror\reflection of the things that cannot be seen in oneself, seeing them in the “other” indirectly.
What is criticized and judged in other people, what irritates us about someone, are always those shadows that are found in those who accuse, which cannot be visible or accepted. If it were possible to see them, one would have the enormous responsibility of moving on to the work of healing it and this entails a process of questions and search, making it easier for the human mind to ask for change from that other person who is in the link, than to act and make conscious. my shadows and my own responsibilities to heal them.
When we cannot look inward, know ourselves, elaborate and heal the old childhood wounds of life, of my story, everything that happens in adult life that activates these memories, that touches such wounds, will be put on the outside, in the links that surround us as defensive mechanisms, this being the way that the mind interprets that it should defend itself, bringing the past to the present
Herein lies the great importance of recognizing what is undeveloped, understanding that in the present the adult that I am has different tools to be able to act, get away from that bond if he considers it so, or communicate what is interpreted as painful.
As children we do not have such defenses to protect us from actions that could hurt us; We do not have the necessary tools to stop. Children and their state of helplessness are not prepared for this, but adults are, and there is an immense amount of work and responsibility that must be acquired. In addition to the mirror\reflection in which we see ourselves in such relationships, there are failures in communication between both members.
When communication is not clear, it is not assertive, it is not a concrete request and it only works as a demand, the “other” will never be able to understand what is being put in the speech, since this demand is more related to childhood demands to our parents, with the injured children being the ones who go out to fight. scene and not the adult in the established bond. From this place there will be no possible understanding in the attempt at dialogue and agreement.
And here the importance once again of knowing each other, knowing who comes on stage when asking or demanding someone from the demand for change, recognizing when said character is the injured girl or boy or is the adult who has done his or her internal work. .
How can we generate beautiful bonding learning from a crisis or conflict?
We can change a conflict when we change the focus of our gaze, when we can stop the impulse without thought, with anger and whim being the only protagonist. We can learn when we stop to get to know ourselves and we try to cut off the repeated patterns of behavior, when we understand that changing partners permanently will not change the underlying problem that is unhealed, the change of a face is just that a change, but sooner or later the wound will be touched again.
If we cannot begin with an individual process, self-sanctioned work, the couple will always be the place where our defenses act with disorder in time
The path begins from the inside out, not placing the accusation on someone else, I may or may not like what the other does, but it must be understood that it is not personal, since they do it from their version, but from my position I can choose to speak it or leave such a place in case it hurts, but never ask someone for changes, because if that someone changes because of my request and not because of their own annoyance, this will soon return to light.
In couples therapeutic treatments we work on the registration of each speech, also in the recognition of the roles of each of the members, the staging of each demand, of each request, evaluating whether what is mentioned is from a scared boy/girl. Couples treatments enable each person to choose whether to leave or improve, but not from complaining.
Tools are given to work with the couple, in order to connect from different, healthier places.
Enabling ourselves to the beauty of a bond is to give ourselves permission to enjoy, to learn, to sanction, making this journey something wonderful, far from traumatic.
Suggestion: If you feel that this resonates with you and you cannot get out of the negative vicious circle of conflict, ask for professional help to be able to navigate this from another place.
