Identity Is Also Built With Others: It Is Relational And Collective
Relational and collective understanding takes us away from an individualistic perspective that understands identity as the image we have of ourselves based on essential or intrinsic characteristics that distinguish us from others. This perspective is fed by the words Self: Self-knowledge, self-esteem, self-sufficiency, self-care, among others that reinforce individualistic discourses that oppress us and that generate feelings of guilt and frustration. We consider that the flaw, difficulty, problem or qualities and characteristics that make us proud are always and only in us, in our self.
For example, it is very noticeable how the discourse of being self-sufficient has increasingly been internalized, where it is no longer another external person who points out and judges me. Now we internalize that social pressure and we are the ones who demand ourselves internally, feeling that who we are and what we do is never enough. In turn, self-sufficiency emphasizes that the goal and achievements are more valid if we arrive on our own merits and alone. Needing help and accompanying others is seen as weakness; depending on others is not something desirable for the construction of an identity that seeks to make itself alone.
Although the responsibility for our actions is important and there are individual and intrapsychic aspects, the meaning we give to these aspects is always inscribed within a social consensus that charges it with meaning. Having said that, It is necessary to stop focusing everything on the self as a separate identity and also think of ourselves as a collective identity where others play a very important role in the way we see ourselves and the meaning we give to who we are being.
This allows us to understand that identity is not natural or stable, but rather it is built from our ties and experiences and therefore changes. The relationships we have in our lives influence the construction of our identity. We are a fabric of what we have been experiencing, of the people who have been part of our life history and their feedback to us.
If we do the reflective exercise of seeing how certain values, beliefs, desires, dreams, goals, etc. became important to us that we champion in our lives and that are part of our identity, our parents, friends, teachers and even writers, pets, films with which we have had some type of relationship and that have been significant for us surely appear in our memories.
Likewise, many of what hurts us, frustrates us, distresses us, has a story that contains others on stage. We internalize the perspective of others in the construction of who we are. There is a relationship of reciprocity and, therefore, our ties impact the way we conceive ourselves and we impact the lives of others. Furthermore, the characteristics we reject about ourselves are likely to have been rejected by others, just as the qualities we like about ourselves are likely to have been applauded and validated by others.
If we understand that our identity is collective and relational, we understand that whenever we talk about who we are, we are prioritizing some aspects of our life over others. We do not always describe ourselves in the same way, this varies depending on the people we are with and the context And, being complex beings, we can even talk about identities, we don’t have just one, we have many that appeal to our multistories and the different relationships that we have in our lives.
Identity is constructed collectively
There are discourses about how a person should be, that is, about the characteristics that are socially accepted and those that are denied or rejected For example, strength is a desirable characteristic in our identity because we are told that it will lead us to achieve what we want, whereas fragility or vulnerability is not desired in a world that seeks to achieve a certain type of success and recognition.
These social discourses that reproduce “truths” and “norms” of how we should think, feel and act, generate anxiety, frustration, fear, anguish and sadness in us as we constantly feel that we are never enough and that the problem is ourselves. It is important to understand that vulnerability, sadness and other characteristics seen as negative are actually seen this way because they ask for pause and go against a capitalist system that aims for efficiency, production and consumption. That uses the words self to remind us that we must constantly work on ourselves, perfect ourselves to be productive and functional in an imposed system.
What would happen if we see the supposed “problems”, “deficiencies”, “flaws” of our identity as acts of resistance that come to show us things that are important to us and that escape the norm, seeking to find ourselves in diversity. The understanding that all those characteristics that I like about myself have been built with others allows me to be more aware of the common responsibility that we all have with each other
As well as being aware of which links are causing me discomfort and why. Thinking about our identity or identities in complex and relational ways allows us greater capacity for agency and decision by distancing ourselves from individualistic views where the entire weight of who we are falls on us. Thinking not about who I am but about who I am being with others is essential.
Reflecting on the impact that others have on me and the influence that I have on others is to vindicate the collective and the social. This critical stance allows us a more empathetic and open understanding of our identity and that of others. Also, it makes visible and resists those individualistic discourses centered on an ego, which silences the complexity that encompasses us as human beings and blames us for everything that happens to us, hiding macro dynamics that challenge us and that can cause us discomfort. Among these power relations, the structural inequalities in which we live and the oppressions under the notion of “normality” to diverse identities that are built with others and that seek to free themselves from the yoke of the self
The knowledge we have about ourselves is not abstract things as we believe about self-esteem or self-image, they are fabrics of relationships, they are changing processes and they are always alive. We are all the multistories that inhabit our society, culture, family, friends, school, internet, etc. and of course, the meaning that we ourselves give them. The notion of identity that seeks to answer the question: who am I being? It is a dance between the internal world and the external world. Stopping on one side takes away the richness that resides in the complexity that makes us human beings.
I accompany you from a place of care, empathy and respect. I am Nathaly Prieto, psychologist with emphasis on narrative practices and ancestral knowledge I work with issues of low self-esteem, lack of meaning in life, anxiety, feeling of failure, migratory grief, emotional management, family, personal and couple conflict situations, attachment, depression, among others. I do online therapy. Nathaly Prieto
