To what extent is it true that healthy relationships should be based only on pure feeling?
Several studies support the idea that poor functioning in a couple is related to the cognitive processes that cause our internal dialogue. Cognitive processes are those that mediate between the events that occur in a relationship and the consequences (emotional, cognitive and behavioral) of these situations.
From this it can be inferred that we do not dislike the things our partner does because of themselves, but because of our way of thinking about them. It is possible that throughout a romantic relationship one has said to oneself:
“He only thinks of himself!” It should not be like that.
Actually, This is an example of a way of thinking produced by inappropriate cognitive schemes on the couple that will have a negative impact on the quality of the relationship.
Cognitive processes and the quality of romantic relationships
Some examples of inappropriate ways of thinking are produced by the following processes:
Two levels
The two cognitive ways of thinking about the couple that we have seen before are divided, in turn, into two levels of analysis: automatic thoughts and cognitive schemes.
Automatic irrational ideas
The existence of automatic thoughts is inevitable, but some can arise to damage interactions with your partner. The latter are the ones that we seek to modify first in therapy, since certain typical ideas born from irrational judgments pose a risk to happiness as a couple.
Disappointing others would be horrible and I would lose personal validity.
My interests and needs must revolve around my partner, and/or theirs around me.
If I dislike something, it is preferable to remain silent than to break our harmony.
We must agree above all on those issues that are important or meaningful to me.
Disagreements are destructive: you cannot live happily with different points of view on some issues.
The other is going to provide me with the happiness or satisfaction I need.
We have to share everything.
With the other I will be so happy that I will be able to abandon other interests or other relationships.
I have to be totally dedicated to achieving the happiness of others.
We should never argue.
Since my partner loves me, he has to know my thoughts and desires without me having to communicate them to him.
My partner can’t change, he is the way he is.
Men and women are different in the needs they hope their partner can meet.
If he doesn’t pay attention to me it’s because he’s no longer interested in anything.
If I don’t feel jealousy in my relationship, it means I don’t really love that person.
Love can do anything, if we truly love each other nothing can go wrong.
If you are in love, you cannot like or be attracted to other people.
The cognitive schemes
On a second level there are the beliefs or philosophical pillars that are called cognitive schemes from which the previous thoughts derive Some examples:
Strong need for love: This idea emphasizes the need to feel loved in order to value oneself.
Demands and demands: refers to the absolutist idea of unconditional support and the idea that there can be no errors or incompatibilities in a couple who loves each other.
Philosophy of punishment and/or guilt: leads to thinking that the other person should feel guilty if they do something wrong and, therefore, punish them for it.
Catastrophizations: It is about the belief that it is terrible that things do not go the way you want.
Low tolerance to frustration: refers to the idea of not being able to endure problems, and therefore, fear of being hurt. From the perspective of this scheme, one demands a relationship without problems but immediate results.
Emotions are uncontrollable: refers to the idea that happiness or unhappiness is achieved through the other partner.
On the other hand, the way in which a couple lives their relationship will be determined both by the peculiarities of each spouse (emotional style, learning history, experiences in previous romantic relationships, etc.) as well as the sociocultural context (gender roles, cultural expectations, etc.).
All these features They will be influences on the interaction and quality that is created in the couple In short, modifying these cognitive aspects based on a rationality used to achieve well-being in the couple is not only possible, but very useful.
You may be interested in: “The 7 keys to having a healthy relationship”
