When someone behaves in a questionable way over and over again, it is common for people around them to blurt out the phrase: “People don’t change” Furthermore, it is likely that they have arguments to support this premise.
But have we ever stopped to think if this is really so? Is it true that we do not have the ability to change, even partially? In this article, we will develop the different aspects that this topic has.
As we said, the situations in which this expression appears refer to circumstances in which someone believes that another person should change. However, in order to determine whether a person can change or not, it is necessary to specify that.
If we are referring to modifying a certain aspect of the personality that is deeply rooted, often determined by a series of experiences that have occurred in a person’s history, expecting someone to change in such a way may be an unrealistic expectation.
People have learned certain ways to behave with the people around us and with ourselves In other words, we could maintain that a person’s personality—that is, those patterns of behavior, thoughts and emotions that human beings tend to carry out frequently and, therefore, that we repeat over time—it would be strange for it to be modified by complete.
And, although personality is a stable element in a person, this does not mean that it is static. An interesting aspect about personality is that it does not leave aside the contingencies of the physical, social and cultural environment in which the person usually develops. A person can change their habitual behaviors or thoughts, but they will not be able to do so. spontaneouslybut it requires a powerful motivation to achieve it.
We emphasize the idea that a person will not change spontaneously not because she is incapable of achieving it on her own, but because throughout her life she has become accustomed to relating to experience in a specific way and not another, something that in itself is not a problem. Of course, this does not necessarily mean that it is the most effective way to connect with others assertively, or to build a valuable life; but that way of feeling, expressing or behaving is “normal” according to their learning history. To change, the person must perceive how ineffective their frequent reactions or behaviors may be in certain scenarios.
In short, we could say that they are genetic factors, the upbringing we received at an early age, and even the environments in which we grew up and certain more or less traumatic experiences those that affect how and who we are.
The motivations to change
Again, although the core of the personality itself is difficult to modify, this is not a problem, nor does it mean that someone cannot change their life in a significant way, but it does imply that there must be a genuine motivation to do so. The possibilities of what we can change are practically endless If there is something that drives us to do it: how we take the difficulties that may get in our way; the way we regulate our emotions in difficult situations and what actions we take as a result; what decisions we make to pivot towards a life worth living according to our personal values instead of following implicit dictates, and we could go on.
These motivations are individual, very different from each other although equally valid. A person may have realized that their frequent behaviors lead them again and again to states of discomfort, or that they are not the most functional to deal with the events they face on a daily basis. It may also happen that someone wants to change to relate in a different way in their interpersonal life. Even so, it is important to emphasize that this idea moves away from the simple “if you want, you can”, because we know that improvement processes – whether within the framework of psychotherapy or outside of it – can be complex, stagnate or present ups and downs.
The challenges of making personal change
In this way, change is not something that happens simply because you want it, but it also involves putting into practice an action plan to achieve it. To do this, the person who wishes to undertake a process of personal transformation must also be willing to expose themselves to situations that they normally tend to avoid. To reach new places, new ways of thinking, behaving or feeling, it is necessary to walk new paths.
At the same time, walking these unknown paths often involves discomfort or discomfort, and the person must be willing to accept the difficult emotions that change entails. Yes, living a different life may involve experiences where fear or anxiety emerges, but the changes can become tangible. even in presence of those difficult emotions. Again, The road is winding, but the benefits of change can be, in the long term, much more valuable
Putting these guidelines into practice, suppose that a person wants to change his behavior when he meets his partner since, when he does something that makes him angry, he tends to respond aggressively. It may be difficult to instantly stop feeling very intense emotions when your partner acts in a way that she finds annoying, for example, doing the dishes poorly.
However, if the person wants to bond in a different way with others (since it is very likely that the aggressive way will transfer it to other areas of their life), they must be willing to experience that anger, often feeling uncomfortable doing so, but under the purpose of “taking new paths.” This could be embodied in concrete acts such as, for example, taking diaphragmatic breaths in order to be able to communicate clearly and precisely how you feel in this situation and what attitude you would consider appropriate for your partner to adopt accordingly.
In short, we could say that the phrase “people don’t change” is somewhat true as there are stable ways of behaving whose modification is difficult. However, there is always the possibility of changing in order to manage one’s own baggage, the personal stories that have determined who we are and what our virtues and defects are, in order to begin to shape a conscious life in accordance with what really matters to us. . Psychotherapy is usually very useful to achieve this responsibly, under the accompaniment of a specialized professional.
