It is obvious that we live in a society in which we count everything and establish hierarchies for everything; For example, in friendships, there are people you greet, people you know, friends to have a drink with, friends to talk to, and best friends, and we could continue breaking down and creating categories.
We have this way of thinking through hierarchies so deeply rooted that we also apply it to our sexual relationships We talk about “bases” or “phases” when we are getting to know someone in an emotional-sexual way and we have conversations like:
-Have you kissed yet?
-No, we haven’t reached that base yet…
But… What happens when we get to the “base” of sex? How do we know if we have had sex or not? What guide do we use to find out? Have you had sex if you have kissed, or is something more needed? To clarify, we have created some “phases” that differentiate what is a sexual relationship from what is not.
Before entering into the topic, I propose an exercise. I’m going to introduce you 4 words that you should quickly relate to the moment of sexual intercourse in which they occur Here we go:
How’s it going? Simple, right? Most of us relate caresses and kisses with the so-called preliminaries intercourse with sex itself (also when we think of a sexual relationship the first thing that comes to mind is intercourse) and we relate orgasm to the end of the sexual relationship.
In this way, we give each practice a place and a space. This is not entirely bad for understanding how sex works in general terms (socially learned), but It often creates confusion for us :
-Have you done it already?
-No, well yes, or no… I don’t know… we kissed and touched each other, I had an orgasm, but we didn’t do anything else… does that count as having done it?
Why so much confusion?
Have you ever had this conversation? The vast majority of us have had that doubt. The fact of dividing sexual relations into phases makes us believe that there are certain things that have to happen and that there is a protocol to follow : preliminaries, intercourse and orgasm. This makes us believe that we have not had sex if there has been no intercourse or that we have had incomplete sex if there has been no orgasm.
Sexual relations are a process where we decide when it ends, the orgasm does not mark the end. Sex is, in reality, a back-and-forth sexual game where all practices have a place. It is an exchange of intimacy, desire and pleasure.
The preliminaries do not exist
Let’s demystify these categories.
The preliminaries They do not exist, because since we do not have to get anywhere, we do not have to do anything beforehand, everything falls into the sexual game.
intercourse It doesn’t always have to happen, and that doesn’t mean you haven’t had sex. Relating sex and intercourse as if they were almost synonymous makes other practices invisible and, furthermore, means that sex is only understood in heterosexual couples.
The orgasm It is fantastic, we are not going to deny it, but if we start to assume that it may or may not be there, we will enjoy it much more, we will remove a mental burden. If we understand orgasm and intercourse as something that must occur in an encounter, we will put our mind in “competitive mode” and it will only be focused on getting to that point, which will mean that we do not enjoy 100% of what is happening.
From the first kiss to the last look everything is sex
If you’ve had an intense kissing session, you’ve had sex. If you’ve played stripping and just caressing each other, you’ve had sex. If you have sent each other sexy photos, you have had sex, and if you have masturbated each other (with or without orgasm), you have had sex.
To finish, I propose that, in your next sexual relationship, your partner/s and you prohibit touching your genitals and experiment with touching your entire body from the tips of your feet to your head (in turns), with caresses, kisses, with your nails. , with gentle touches and light squeezes… Reinvent your sexual relationships forget about reaching orgasm, focus on enjoying touch and make your sex not linear and consecutive, but a roller coaster of experiences.
I am Gisell Chavasco, Psychologist and Sexologist from PsicoAlmería If you have questions regarding the topic discussed in this article or need advice and help on a personal or couple level, both my colleagues and I will be happy to help you. The first step is important for the change, you can contact us without obligation.
