Keys To Establishing Norms And Limits In A Democratic And Effective Way
In families there are different ways of establishing rules and limits, depending on the parenting style exercised by the parents.
This parenting style constitutes an essential element in the development of the child, since it influences their construction as a person and their way of locating themselves in the world.
Establishing norms through an appropriate and consistent parenting style
How are rules and limits established in each parenting style? And what consequences do they have for minors?
In the authoritarian style, parents adopt a role of excessive control over their children, giving them little autonomy. They tend to impose rules in a unidirectional and inflexible manner, without focusing on the specific needs of minors. In case of non-compliance they frequently resort to punishment.
They often feel unheard and unimportant, with a perception of low internal control. They have little critical capacity and difficulty negotiating or resolving conflicts assertively. On the contrary, they tend towards imposition and submission.
In both the permissive/overprotective and neglectful styles, parents establish few limits and rules, and set them inconsistently. In fact, they are often established by the minors themselves. The main difference between both styles is that while in the first there is a high level of expressed affection, in the second there is a lack of care, affection and protection for the minor, delegating parenting to third parties.
What consequences can it have on your children? In both scenarios We are faced with insecure people, since they do not have a structure of limits that provides them with stability Likewise, having been exposed to few “no’s”, they have a low tolerance for frustration. However, in the first case, children tend to be egocentric, expecting the world to give them the same prominence as their parents, while in the second they perceive themselves as worthless people.
Finally, in the democratic style, parents are a figure of healthy affection and authority. They establish rules and limits respectfully, and resort to negotiation when they consider it appropriate. They carry communication as their banner, and enhance the autonomy of their children.
What consequences can it have on your children? Minors perceive themselves as being listened to, participating and, consequently, important. They have healthy levels of self-esteem, adequately tolerate frustration, and are able to negotiate and express themselves assertively and respectfully with others, because they have been able to learn from optimal models.
As can be guessed, The democratic style is the most recommended of the four since it provides the minor with a series of resources and tools that allow him to adequately deal with the conflictive situations that occur in his daily life.
How can we get closer to a democratic parenting model?
In families it is convenient that there be (a) issues that parents decide, (b) issues that are negotiated between parents and children and (c) issues that minors decide autonomously. All these issues must be adjusted depending on the age of the children, giving them control and consequently granting them greater autonomy, confidence and decision-making capacity.
It is convenient limit the use of “no” to central or essential aspects, and that we know that we can comply. We often end up giving in because we are unable to comply with all our refusals and, in this way, we reduce the credibility of our “noes.”
2. Offer options
As far as possible, replace “no” with alternatives and negotiation, transferring control to the minor Instead of “You can’t play,” try “Of course you can play, as soon as you finish cleaning up your room.”
3. Allow there to be topics in which the child decides freely
Of course, They must be topics that do not compromise your safety and protection such as his physical appearance, the games he plays or his extracurricular activities.
4. Be clear, precise and respectful when establishing rules and limits, explaining them
We can replace “Behave well” with “Honey, please sit and talk quietly, there are quiet people in the waiting room and we don’t want to bother them.”
5. Be consistent
Being flexible and respectful of their needs does not mean that we constantly redefine the rules, nor that they always “get their way.” Children require a clear structure that allows them to anticipate what is allowed and what is not, what conditions they must meet to have access to a certain pleasurable activity or what the consequences are for breaking the rules. Consistency gives them security and control.
6. Strengthens
It is essential that, when the minor respects a rule or limit, we value or appreciate his behavior.
Finally, remember that educational styles speak of trends and are dynamic That is, we can work day by day to get closer to the style of motherhood that we want to practice based on our personal and family values.
